Valium Vickie

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Transcript of My Talk with a Comcast Rep: Volume 2

I've become quite fond of using Comcast's Live Chat service. Here's another word-for-word transcription of an online chat I had with a very helpful Comcast rep recently: (Note: I cleverly jumbled some on the letters in the rep's name to protect his/her anonymity.)

The Surface Problem

analyst Bronald Fouie has entered room
Bronald FouieHello Jared, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Bronald Fouie: Please give me one moment to review your information.
JaredMy Issue: My girlfriend told me we have Showtime -- after reviewing my bill, I noticed there was, in fact, a $10.00 charge for a Showtime promotion. Two questions: 1.) Why is it there if I didn't ask for it? 2.) How is it a promotion if you charge?
Bronald FouieLet me check on the account, Jared.
Bronald FouiePlease give me 2 to 3 minutes while I pull up the correct account. Thank you.
JaredI will meditate for 2 to 3 minutes on my secret mantra, which I'm not at liberty to tell you. Please let me know when you're ready.
Bronald FouieThank you for waiting, I have the account now. To complete verification, may I have the last 4 digits of your SSN?
JaredOf course, it is π. May I ask is your full name Bronald Fouie? If so, Fouie is an unusual last name, but it is also rather nice.
Bronald FouieBronald Fouie is my first name. I do see here that you have Showtime under promo, $0.00 x 3 months/step up promo is $10.00/month x 9 months. Regular rate is $19.99/month. I can remove it from your account if you want.
JaredBronald Fouie, I never asked for Showtime, which I find to be inferior to both AMC and FX ...
JaredSo, my question, Bronald Fouie, is WHY was it added in the first place. I never authorized it, so it seems like Comcast just arbitrarily added the charge to my account and hoped I wouldn't notice.
JaredTo me, this seems highly unethical. Don't you agree Bronald Fouie?
Bronald FouieJared, let me just check when was this added. Please give me a moment.
JaredTake your time, Bronald Fouie. The last thing I want to do is jump to conclusion. I'll continue my meditations in the meantime.
Bronald FouieThank you.
JaredAre you still here, Bronald Fouie?
Bronald FouieThank you for patiently waiting.
Bronald FouieI apologize for the long hold.
Bronald FouieI have removed Showtime and the charges for 2 months. This might have been accidentally added through the remote control. The credit will reflect on your online account within 24 hours.
JaredIt's OK, but sometimes if I get to involved in my meditations I lull myself into a semi-conscious state.
Jaredtoo involved ... Sorry my grammar has been off since the "incident"

The Underlying Cause

Bronald FouieNo problem at all, Jared. I hope everything is okay.
JaredYou mentioned the remote ... how would the remote subscribe me to Showtime .... I'd like to avoid this if I could in the future
JaredBy the way, I can't very well mention the incident without giving you additional details
Bronald FouieSometime when you access a program or movie through On Demand, it will ask you if you want to subscribe the certain network in order to view the program. It would be best not to order OnDemand programs that requires channel subscription.
JaredWhen I was much younger, a worker at a cable company (which shall remain nameless) did something horrible to me ...
JaredAnd that's a big reason for my distrust of cable companies right now
JaredYou see, Bronald Fouie, a cable repairman, technically an Independent Contractor, I know, I know was scheduled to fixed our faulty cable
JaredNot only did he fix the cable that day, but he also fixed fixed my live-in girlfriend's diminished sex drive as well
JaredFor several months, the two fornicated behind my back, but that's not all ...
Bronald FouieThat a very terrible thing to happen to anyone. I can just imagine the pain that you were going through. I'm reall sorry to hear that, Jared. I hope everything is better now.
JaredIn addition, to mess with me, the cable repairman would intentionally interrupt my cable signal and he and my girlfriend would laugh the laugh of lovers
JaredBefore she moved to Montana to start a family with this cable repairman, she told me the whole story.
JaredI've come along way since then, but the Showtime thing brought it all back.
JaredSee me and this girlfriend used to watch the softcore pornography on the Showtime channel, and the promotion stirred up some raw memories that I'm just now realizing I haven't dealt with properly.

The Resolution

Bronald FouieI'm really really sorry, we have no other direction to go but to move forward. I do belive that horrible experiences like this make us a better person.For the Showtime concern, you may forget about it. I have removed Showtime and all its charges. The credit will reflect within 24 hours.
JaredThank you so much, Bronald Fouie. And thanks for letting me vent! I really needed it.
Bronald FouieThank you for your sharing and spending some time.
Bronald Fouie It is my pleasure. I'm glad we were able to resolved your billing issue. Have I addressed all your concerns, issues for today?
JaredYes you have Bronald Fouie. The world needs more people who truly care like you do!
Bronald FouieThank you for the kind words, Jared.
Bronald FouieIt is my goal to exceed your expectations, and I hope that you will take a moment to complete the short survey; your feedback will help us to continue improving how we serve you. Our goal is to provide you with a consistently superior customer experience – that’s our guarantee. Learn more about the Comcast Customer Guarantee at guarantee
Bronald FouieI had a wonderful time speaking with you today. We are grateful to have you as a Comcast customer and look forward to continue being the provider that helps you stay connected to your services. We value your business here in Comcast. If you need assistance in the future, please do not hesitate to contact us through Live Chat or E-Mail (available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week). Comcast also offers great FAQ and Help forums located at click here to help you solve many issues on your own. You can also reach us at 1800-XFINITY (1800-934-6489)during business hours from Monday-Friday between the hours of 9AM-5PM. Thank you for contacting Comcast and have a great day.
Bronald Fouie I'm glad I had the opportunity to resolve your issue. It is my goal to exceed your expectations, and I hope that you will take a moment to complete the short survey; your feedback will help us to continue improving how we serve you. I thank you for your time. If you don't have any other concerns, you can click on EXIT CHAT then kindly take the 12 question SURVEY. Your feedback will help us improve our service. Thank you in advance.
JaredI would be happy to Bronald Fouie

In case you're wondering, I did fill out the 12-question SURVEY, and I gave Bronald Fouie sterling marks for his service.

Monday, November 12, 2012

You're donating what to the homeless!?

If you've been reading this blog, you know I have a penchant for sending ridiculous letters, requests and event proposals to a variety of organizations, such as the Pennsylvania Turnpike, the Upper Darby Library and the Westboro Baptist Church.

Well, recently, when I was going through my records (i.e., wasting time at work looking through a folder on my desktop titled "Random Shit"), when I came across something I meant to post on Craigslist -- but never actually got around to doing. Probably a good thing, but just for yourself:

HH Foundation -- Donations, Volunteers Needed

What do clothing, food, shelter and hangers all have in common? If you said all of these are things the majority of homeless people are lacking, well, my friend, you’ve hit the nail on the head. And with all the resources in this beautiful country of ours, don’t you think that is absurd? Don’t you think all people should have enough food to eat? Don’t you think everyone should have a warm roof over their heads? Well, so do I, but that’s not what this request is about. 

There are plenty of charitable organizations out there dedicated to the providing food, clothing and shelter to the homeless, but we’re not one of them. Nope. That’s just not our bag. Sure, those organizations serve a key purpose in society, but some are also very short-sighted. Think about it. While it’s nice to give away your old wardrobe to a homeless man or woman who really needs it, what are they going to do with that Old Navy sweater or Lane Bryant blouse when they’re not wearing it? Shove it in a shopping cart? A trash bag?  Then, the next time they go to put it on, it’s so bunched up and wrinkled, they end up looking, well … homeless. That’s where the Hangers for the Homeless (HH) Foundation comes in. Our motto: “Just because you’re homeless, it doesn’t mean you should have to look like a slob.” 

That’s why we’re asking everyone fortunate enough to own a surplus of coat hangers (we also accept lint brushes and dewrinkle spray) to donate their extras to the HH Foundation – the first charitable organization in the U.S. dedicated solely to providing the less fortunate with devices to keep their wardrobes wrinkle-free. What if you don’t have a single hanger to spare? No worries, come out for the HH Foundation’s first “Homeless Hang,” an event where like-minded philanthropists go around Philadelphia passing out hangers, on Fri., Feb. 27, from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.

Please respond to this post with the subject line “HH Foundation” if you are interested in donating or participating in the “Hang.” SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.