Valium Vickie

Saturday, December 29, 2012

'You just don't understand women'

"You just don't understand women." If you're a man, that's a phrase you've probably heard at least a few times in reference to your knowledge of the opposite sex. 

It's generally understood that men -- the whole lot of us -- will never be able to figure out the fairer sex. And when our lack of understanding in this area is acknowledged, it's quite a powerful sentiment.

In fact, I saw this comedian recently, and the best reaction he got in his entire set wasn't even during a punchline. All he said was: “Fellas, if I can give a little piece of advice, it’s this: Don’t even try to understand women because you never will.” That's all it took, and the women in the crowd just went ape shit. They were clapping and banging on their chairs and yelling things like, “I'm so fucking wet!” OK, fine. You're right. They weren't clapping.

Despite what this guy said, I think the real misunderstanding was between the women in the audience and the pandering, Hawaiian-shirt-wearing comedian. I think some women … some women may take the statement -- you just don't understand women -- the wrong way. I think maybe these women are so used to hearing men say it’s impossible to understand them that they really believe they’re as complicated as Quantum Physics. 

But that’s not what this comic (or most men for that matter) meant. He didn’t mean, “Don’t try to understand women because their hearts are as deep as the ocean, and you’ll never be able to fathom the complexity of their souls.” He meant, “Don’t try to understand women because they’re fucking crazy.” He was just smart enough – and hacky enough – to put it another way. You can’t just go around calling half the population out on their insanity – especially not when you’re trying to sleep with them, and live with them, and get them to have your children.

Saying “someone is impossible to understand” doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is reasonable or logical or even complex. If you know someone who stands on a corner all day trying to sell glasses of his own urine to people to help save them from the zombie apocalypse, you don’t say, “Let me tell you something Philadelphia, don’t even try to understand Homeless Carl, because you never will.”

But if you don’t get why your girlfriend spends 12 hours cleaning the house because there’s a 7-percent chance Brianna and Shea may “swing by real quick on their way to dinner” to drop off a dish, and she needs the place to be immaculate so when Brianna comments on how nice everything looks, she can sigh and say, "Oh God! This place is a such a mess right now" well, my friend, then you just don’t understand women my friend.

Thursday, December 06, 2012

Best of @JaredBilski: 26 Tweets I Want To Remember (Sept. 2011-Dec. 2012)

I joined Twitter sometime in 2010 (follow me here). Since then, I've managed to dash off 922 tweets. When it comes to writing, 922 of anything sounds impressive. For instance, if I'd written 922
thought-provoking essays or 922 colorful, descriptive poems or even 922 mouth-watering recipes, you'd probably think, "My God, this Polish fellow is certainly prolific, isn't he dear?" But this is Twitter, and my tweets don't mean shit.

When I signed up for this thing, however, my intentions were pure. I thought it would be a huge challenge to condense my joke ideas and funny thoughts to a mere 140 characters. And it has been. It's been so challenging that I don't do it nearly as often as I should. Most of my time on Twitter is spent trying to engage Beetlejuice (@Beetlepimp) in conversation, or letting the eight people who follow me know that I'll be performing for seven people on Saturday at the ChuckleGiggleLaughRiotHut.

Every so often, though, this Twitter thing works exactly how I envisioned it. And when that happens, it's a goddamn beautiful thing. Here's what happens: I'll tweet out some zygote of a joke -- or a random funny thought -- that's retweeted by someone I respect, which gives me the motivation to flesh the idea out until it's ready to be tested at a number of soul-crushing open mics until, finally, roughly four to six months after the initial tweet, I'm proudly unveiling my beautiful, newborn baby at the ChuckleGiggleLaughRiotHut to the seven people I mentioned in the previous paragraph.

Problem is, I forget most of the things I tweet as soon as I tweet them. So in the interest of preservation, I'm going to be listing the little zygotes that I feel -- with a little nurturing -- have a shot at becoming a healthy, happy "dick joke" babies some day, starting with the 26 most recent ones. Let me know which ones you think have potential or, even better, just follow me on Twitter and tell me there.

  1. When the basket is passed around @ church instead of cash I put news stories on molester priests who were passed from parish to parish in it
  2. Every time my dog won't eat her dinner, I tell her to think about all the poor, starving dogs in China that will become somebody's dinner.
  3. In Ann Coulter's defense people are genetically predisposed to act in accordance w/ the appearance of their face & she has a very cunty face
  4. Best age to have kids? 48. Then when they ask to move back in after college, you can say: Of course you can room with me at the nursing home
  5. Old-People Speak 101: "You should've seen this town back in the day" translates to "This town was better before the minorities got here." 
  6. Does anyone else have trouble determining if a person is really, really drunk or just European?
  7. Augusta National added its 1st women members on the condition they're OK w/ being called Sugartits & receiving playful taps on their bottoms 
  8. Scott Stapp's autobiography reveals the Creed singer tried to commit suicide, confirming that not even Scott Stapp can stand Scott Stapp.
  9. If you're upset about the way Chic-fil-A treats gay people, then you'll be absolutely appalled by how it treats gay chickens.
  10. Next time your in a swanky bar, order a 'Pittsburgh Racist' and watch as the pretentious 'mixologist' pretends that he's heard of it.
  11. 'I don't know if it's b/c I'm ur mother or if it's the wording, but I just don't find that fisting skit funny.' - my mom's critique of a bit 
  12. I can't wait until the first crop of kids from 'Toddlers & Tiaras' start resurfacing in episodes of 'Intervention.' #anaturalprogression
  13. The problem is, after you take it enough & build up a tolerance, 5 Hour Energy becomes 22~minute energy.
  14. Next time u call Customer Service, have filthy porn blaring in the background & say, 'can u speak up? Im in the middle of something.'
  15. New greeting card category: 'Loss of a God': ~ For people who just found out the religion they subscribed to their entire lives is bullshit.
  16. Been watching a band for 20 minutes now & I can't tell if they're Christian rock or just really corny, either way God would be disappointed
  17. Plato's Closet sounds way too pretentious for a place that sells USED clothes. That's why I'm opening up my own store: Aristotle's Asshole.
  18. Waiter: What kind of toast? Me (not understanding the question): umm, American I guess. Waiter: That's gotta be white, right?
  19. Can't a guy just blast Elliott Smith from a Boombox while standing on the edge of the Walt Whitman Bridge w/out people assuming the worst?
  20. There are probably a lot of people in prison who take offense to the phrase, "the truth will set you free."
  21. Transgender Tabbies: A daring reality show about cats who are trapped in the wrong bodies & owners who pay for their sex-change surgeries.
  22. #StripClubFun Go to a club, jump on stage & scream, "honey have you lost ur goddamn mind?" as you attempt to cover a stripper with a blanket
  23. Aren't they all 'Drug-Free School Zones' or are there places where it's like 'These kids will never be shit, so peddle ur crank right here'?
  24. 'It's all smiles and handjobs until someone loses an eye' ~ Stacey, victim of an unfortunate digital manipulation accident.
  25. Guy in the funeral procession: The fact that you're dancing in ur car leads me to believe u don't care about the guy you're going to bury
  26. Rite aid worker: 'don't you want to save twenty percent with a wellness card?'Me: 'that's ok, i don't much like Jews.'