tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-166227802024-03-08T07:24:27.591-08:00Valium VickieJared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.comBlogger101125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-67866735547581884682017-05-14T19:48:00.003-07:002017-05-14T19:54:57.244-07:00Dear Zales: A Famous Broadcaster Injured Himself on My Wife's AfterbirthThe name of the customer service rep and the store have been cleverly disguised (except in the title of this post). The cub reporter is real and is my supervisor Mon-Fri.<br />
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #73B03D; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Elizabeth Warren<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>HI<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Jared. I would be happy to look into that for you. Just one </span>moment<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> please.</span></li>
<li><hr align="center" size="2" style="text-align: center;" width="100%" />
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<li>Thanks for waiting. Unfortunately for this item, there is no way to add additional stones later time. I do apologize.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #20B1EC; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Me<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>Hmm ... if I happen to get the stone wrong do you think a jeweler would be able to take it out and put in a new one?</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #73B03D; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Elizabeth Warren<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>A jeweler should be able to replace one of the stones for you. You would have to take it in to<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> one of our DALES location for assistance.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #20B1EC; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Me<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>I can do that ... want to hear a funny DALES story?</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #73B03D; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Elizabeth Warren<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>Sure!</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #20B1EC; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Me<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>See Elizabeth Warren, my wife and I shop at DALES exclusively now because when our first child was born many years ago, my wife actually went into labor right there in a DALES department store!</li>
<li><hr align="center" size="2" style="text-align: center;" width="100%" />
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<li>You can probably find the story on the Google -- but Elizabeth Warren, it gets crazier ...</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #73B03D; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Elizabeth Warren<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>Oh<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> my!!</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #20B1EC; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Me<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>A local news outlet tried to get the first scoop and sent this cub reporter/broadcaster rushing in before the store had been properly cleaned up ...</li>
<li><hr align="center" size="2" style="text-align: center;" width="100%" />
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<li>His name was Tim Gould</li>
<li><hr align="center" size="2" style="text-align: center;" width="100%" />
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<li>for reference ... Anyway, Tim slipped on the water/afterbirth/etc. and hit his head ... He wound up being sent to the same hospital where we went after the baby was born ... I stumbled into him when I was getting some air and we've been friends since.</li>
<li><hr align="center" size="2" style="text-align: center;" width="100%" />
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<li>I know this sounds nuts, but hand to God (or gods!), it's how it all went down. Today Tim is the godfather of our twins</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #73B03D; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Elizabeth Warren<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>That is some story<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Jared!</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #20B1EC; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Me<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>Anyway, I'll take the necklace as is</li>
<li><hr align="center" size="2" style="text-align: center;" width="100%" />
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<li>Thanks<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Elizabeth Warren!</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #73B03D; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Elizabeth Warren<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>It was my pleasure and thank you for that story today! I am glad to hear everyone made it out okay!</li>
<li><hr align="center" size="2" style="text-align: center;" width="100%" />
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #20B1EC; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Me<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>That was my first wife, the necklace is for <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">my third one. But I'm still close with my first wife as we had six children together</span></li>
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<li>Thanks for listening!</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #73B03D; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Elizabeth Warren<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>You are very welcome!</li>
<li><hr align="center" size="2" style="text-align: center;" width="100%" />
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<li>Thank you for shopping with DALES, have a great day!</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #20B1EC; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Me<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>Would you mind if I said a brief blessing to you? (I'm a minister)</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #73B03D; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Elizabeth Warren<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>Of course not! Go right ahead!</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #20B1EC; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Me<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>Elizabeth Warren, may the service winds keep you calm as you navigate the choppy water of irrational and often unsteady customers from this day until retirement. God Bless you and thanks for your service!</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #73B03D; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12.0pt;">·</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> Elizabeth Warren<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>Thank you<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Jared. You have no idea how much this is needed. I really appreciate you for this today!</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: #20b1ec; font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12pt;">·</span><span style="background-color: #20b1ec; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Me</span></li>
<li>And I appreciate you<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Elizabeth Warren! Thanks again!</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #73B03D; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12.0pt;">·</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> Elizabeth Warren<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>It has been my pleasure and I hope you enjoy the rest of your week!</li>
<li><span style="background-color: #20b1ec; font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 12pt;">·</span><span style="background-color: #20b1ec; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Me</span></li>
<li>You too, Elizabeth Warren!</li>
<li><hr align="center" size="2" style="text-align: center;" width="100%" />
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<li>Goodbye<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> and God bless!</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: #73B03D; line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Elizabeth Warren<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li>Thank you for shopping with <b style="font-family: "times new roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">DALES</b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">, have a great day as well!</span></li>
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Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-91485620268891679302016-12-19T10:35:00.002-08:002016-12-19T20:22:44.306-08:0026 Things I Saw, Heard, Smelled and Tasted at the Philadelphia Marathon<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wEUf_WPXrmc/WFglj6Nj9TI/AAAAAAAAAW0/7BdvfmOwkt0I3Pacsbg1OV9_1c_LAZ9BgCLcB/s1600/IMG_6782%2B%25281%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wEUf_WPXrmc/WFglj6Nj9TI/AAAAAAAAAW0/7BdvfmOwkt0I3Pacsbg1OV9_1c_LAZ9BgCLcB/s320/IMG_6782%2B%25281%2529.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Against all odds, these four Norristown natives beat the Kenyans!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b>1. A Juggler.</b> Not just some random dude juggling occasionally in the crowd, a runner who ran the marathon while juggling.<br />
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<b>2. Allen Iverson standing outside of DiNardo's Famous Crabs cheering on runners.</b> OK, maybe it wasn't actually Allen Iverson, maybe it was just some dude who looked like the Philadelphia icon. OK, maybe the person was so bundled up there's a chance it wasn't even a guy. In my fevered state, however, I transformed the man/woman outside of AI's favorite Philly eatery into the recent NBA Hall of Famer and visualized him cheering for me.<br />
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<b> 3. Homemade gummy bears.</b> At around mile 20, some strange woman handed me the type of cup they used for patient meds in <i>One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest</i>. "Homemade Gummy Bears," she said with a strange smile. I've not sure if it was the bears or plain exhaustion, but I did mildly hallucinate during the last mile.<br />
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<b>4. A giant cardboard cutout of a cat's head.</b> I saw dozens of people holding up giant blown up photos of the runners' faces they came to support, but just one lone feline head. I hope the sight of his head amongst the sea of human faces was enough inspiration to help the cat it was made for reach the finish line.<br />
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<b>5. Adam Joseph's ass.</b> Granted, the posterior of the beloved weatherman was well ahead of me both times I caught a glimpse, but I'm 63% sure it was Joseph and his toned rear. One thing I'm 100% sure of: It wasn't Hurricane Schwartz's saggy ass.<br />
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<b>6. Hippie drum circles.</b> If the over/under on hippie drum circles was two, I would've taken the under -- and lost big. For some reason, I spotted at least a handful of these "musicians" banging away gleefully on their bongos like a bunch of toddlers at a day care. The sight of the members in these drum circles on served to strengthen one of my most steadfast beliefs: White people should NEVER, EVER, EVER where dreadlocks.<br />
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<b>7. A man shooting NO-XPLODE next to a man smoking crack.</b> Prior to the race, I saw a man shoot (dump one or more scoops directly into your mouth) the popular pre-workout supplement right in the same general area of a man who appeared to be smoking crack (disclaimer: it could've been meth). Everybody prepares for big races differently.<br />
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<b>8. Nelson Agholor's lucky gloves.</b> When I passed the troubled receivers' unmistakable lucky gloves right around the Delaware Ave. section of the course, I knew it foreshadowed something bad, but I didn't actually think it would lead to a performance against the Seahawks that got him benched and could ultimately cost him his career in Philadelphia.<br />
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<b>9. A Philadelphia sunrise.</b> I still believe the sight of the sun rising up above the horizon and illuminating the famous Norristown skyline is the most beautiful juxtaposition of mother nature and human progress on the entire planet. But a Philly sunrise is nice, too.<br />
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<b>10. The worst/best sign ever.</b> On a single sheet of white typing paper, a sign in thin, black pen ink simply read: "Grace." I'm still not sure if the owner was a spectator supporting a runner, an artist making a point or an incompetent limo driver trying to locate a customer.<br />
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<b>11. Milton Street and his famous hot dog cart. </b>Granted, it was a man impersonating the former mayor's tax-averse brother and his beloved hot dog cart, but both the man and the cart bore an uncanny resemblance to the originals.<br />
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<b>12. A daughter's heartfelt plea.</b> One girl had a sign that read "Please Don't Die Dad" accompanied by a photo of an older gentleman who looked like he very well could die during the course of a 26-mile run. I checked both the news and the obituaries for three days following the race, and I'm pretty sure the girl's father made it.<br />
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<b>13. The remains of "The Laff House." </b>It was the first time I'd seen the building where I took in my first comedy show (TuRae) in years, and it was sad to see the place where stars like Kevin Hart got started in such a sad state.<br />
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<b>14. Urine.</b> On most days, the overwhelming smell of urine (Philly was ranked the second most "Piss-filled" city in the U.S. by "Public Urination Monthly") you get from many pockets of the city is an inconvenience. But during a marathon, the stench acts like ammonia smelling salts, giving you a huge burst when you need it most.<br />
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<b>15. A weave chunk.</b> I thought it was the remains of a small, dead animal. That's why I screamed in a high-pitched, effeminate manner when I almost stepped on it. People sacrifice a lot to complete a marathon, but perhaps no runner sacrificed more than the owner of this weave chunk.<br />
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<b>16. A proposal.</b> It could've just been a girl waiting for her running partner while he bent down to tie his shoe, but I'm 36% positive it was an earnest marriage proposal. Of course, the tears could've just been the result of sore feet.<br />
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<b>17. "Great work! The Kenyans just passed here!" </b>A spectator yelled that to me about three hours into the race as a means of encouragement or sarcasm. Obviously, the Kenyans hadn't just passed unless they finished the marathon and decided to do the whole course in reverse. <br />
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<b>18. A lot of anti-Trump signs.</b> It seemed a little strange for people to hold up political signs at such a non-political event. My guess is they made the signs to protest, but decided the marathon would be a lot more fun. They didn't want their efforts to go to waste so they brought their signs to the marathon. Also, one sign's stray apostrophe highlighted the importance of proofreading your protest sign: "Love Trump's Hate." Based on the other sign the dude was holding -- "Not My President!" -- I'm guessing the creator didn't mean to express his affinity for the President-elect's vitriol, but that's exactly how it came off.<br />
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<b>19. My wife, daughter, mother-in-law, Boston Terrier, cousin and cousin's Finance. </b>Yeah, I knew they were going to be there, but I didn't expect to actually see them -- and the kiss from my <a href="http://www.parent.co/dear-baby-i-hate-you-a-letter-from-the-family-dog/" target="_blank"><b>Boston Terrier, Judith</b>,</a> gave me just the second wind I needed at mile 18.<br />
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<b>20. A pile of horse shit. </b>Almost exactly at the halfway point (13.1 miles in), I had to change my course to avoid the pile of horse shit in my path. It foreshadowed how my feet would feel from that point onward.<br />
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<b>21. A close-up of the tail end of a herpes breakout.</b> Let your friends know: If they're going to blow up a picture to make a custom cardboard cutout of your actual face, make sure they don't use a picture showing you at the end stages of a painful and embarrassing herpes breakout. Those sores look even more disgusting when they're magnified.<br />
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<b>22. Free beer.</b> At around the 19th and the 22nd miles, some kind soles (running pun!) were giving out tiny cups of beer. If you put on a fake bib and went back and forth between the two stations, you could probably wind up with a decent buzz before anyone caught on.<br />
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<b>23. One <span style="background-color: white; color: #6a6a6a; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Gentle Leader</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">®</span>.</b> I'm specifically pointing out that I only saw one dog wearing the safe, effective headcollar by Petsafe because I saw at least 10 of them during the half marathon I ran a few years ago. Either the <b><span style="background-color: white; color: #6a6a6a; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Gentle Leader</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">®</span></b> company is having some problems or more dogs in the Philadelphia area are going to obedience school.<br />
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<b>24. Early morning frat parties.</b> The Marathon's course take you right through Drexel's fraternity house section (My uncle's Alma Mater!), and at 8:30 in the morning, there were quite a few full-on parties taking place. I'm not talking about a few drunk dudes sitting on a porch and using the marathon as an excuse to drink in the morning. I'm talking about crowded co-ed parties with multiple kegs and loud music blaring. Whether the hosts kept everything from the previous night going or woke up early specifically for a marathon party, it definitely took dedication -- and probably some cocaine. OK, definitely some cocaine.<br />
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<b>25. Some industrious Good Samaritans.</b> Most runners dress warmly to start and then shed clothing once they get moving. To capitalize on the clothing, a number of local charities stationed themselves in beginning of the course, identified their various charities with signage and encouraged runners to donate their extra jackets, sweatshirts, hats and gloves to a worthy cause. Some lucky unlucky person got my lined, zip-up black hoodie (Retail price $17.99, Wal-Mart).<br />
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<b>26. The Finish.</b> There was no giant banner letting you know you'd just completed the Philadelphia Marathon. Instead, there was just a bunch of volunteers who stopped you, draped a weird, aluminum-foil-like blanket over your shoulders and directed you to a tent filled with fruits and pretzels and chili to help you get back some of the thousands of calories you lost during the race. I honestly wasn't sure I'd ever make it to the finish/calorie-replenishment station because I had a dream the night before the race that I had a heart attack and died at some point early on in the marathon.<br />
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<br />Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-13395634863527510682016-11-23T05:30:00.001-08:002016-11-23T05:30:35.977-08:00Flying With a Baby: Not Hell, But Not Far From It (Excerpt)<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.8); font-family: "Source Serif Pro", Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; letter-spacing: 0.05px;"><i>I have a dirty, sweaty, cranky, sleep-deprived baby tethered to me via the wonders of the Ergobaby 360, a $150 baby carrier that transforms ordinary human parents into kangaroos and gives customers full use of their arms. I’m using my free limbs to lug an overstuffed diaper bag and lead a frantic Boston Terrier, Judith, through the San Diego airport.*</i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.8); font-family: "Source Serif Pro", Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; letter-spacing: 0.05px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.8); font-family: "Source Serif Pro", Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; letter-spacing: 0.05px;">To read the full post, <a href="http://www.parent.co/flying-with-a-baby-not-hell-but-not-far-from-it/" target="_blank"><b>click here</b></a>:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.8); font-family: "Source Serif Pro", Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; letter-spacing: 0.05px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.8); font-family: "Source Serif Pro", Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; letter-spacing: 0.05px;">(*<b><u>Note</u></b>: I have a new gig where I'm writing weekly posts for a site called <a href="http://www.parent.co/" target="_blank"><b>Parent Co.</b></a> I can't put the post up here, but if you can view them on the Parent Co. website for free. And if you enjoy them, "like" and "share" on Facebook so I can make some extra money.)</span>Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-67445035200571692482016-08-24T12:03:00.002-07:002016-08-24T12:03:48.398-07:00Dear Marathon Director: About my Viagra usage ...One of Valium Vickie's most-valued contributors, Kenneth Larson (find Mr. Larson's work <b><a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2014/12/dj-wanted-for-nontraditional-event.html" target="_blank">here</a> </b>and <a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2015/12/dear-gofundmelike-crowdfunding-site-im.html" target="_blank"><b>here</b></a>), recently had a detailed email correspondence with the director of a well-known marathon. Below is the word-for-word transcript of that correspondence.*
*Note: The name, race and even the organization have been changed to protect the dignity of those involved.
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<b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">From:</span></b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> Kenneth Larson [mailto:XXXXXXXX@XXXXXX.com]<br /><b>Sent:</b> Monday, May 09, 2016 12:13 PM<br /><b>To:</b> XXX@XXXXXX.org<br /><b>Subject:</b> Question about upcoming the annual Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">I really want to take part in this year's Half-Marathon, but I have one small concern. Is this the right email for questions (it's a medical question)?</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Sincerely,</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Kenneth Larson</span></div>
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<span autoid="_rp_E" class="rpHighlightAllClass rpHighlightSubjectClass" role="heading" tabindex="0">RE: Question about upcoming Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Half Marathon </span><br />
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<span aria-label="Received 5/9/2016." class="allowTextSelection" id="ItemHeader.DateReceivedLabel" role="presentation" style="-webkit-user-select: text; cursor: auto;" tabindex="0" title="Mon 5/9/2016 3:34 PM">5/9/2016</span></div>
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<span autoid="_db_5" class="_db_u" style="line-height: 18px;">You replied on 5/10/2016 9:52 AM.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Yes, this is the correct email.</span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Patrice Odette Csonger-Dalfo</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Associate Director</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><b>Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Tricky Dick's Center for Sexual Awareness</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">From:</span></b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> Kenneth Larson [mailto:XXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXX.com]<br /><b>Sent:</b> Tuesday, May 10, 2016 6:52 AM<br /><b>To:</b> <span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Tricky Dick's </span> <XXXXX@XXXXXXXXXX.org><br /><b>Subject:</b> Re: Question about upcoming </span><span style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 14.6667px;">Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Patrice,</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Like I said, I have a concern about a medical condition -- something that actually impacted my performance in the last half marathon I ran (The Philadelphia half-marathon). Here's the issue, it's an issue I'm extremely sensitive and self-conscious about, so please keep that in mind: Currently, I take Viagra to treat my hypertension. If you think this is some type of a joke, <a href="http://mandrillapp.com/track/click/30262278/blogs.biomedcentral.com?p=eyJzIjoiWWNxdTZESjZ3VFE1WVJyU2hWeXF0TEhsVEpFIiwidiI6MSwicCI6IntcInVcIjozMDI2MjI3OCxcInZcIjoxLFwidXJsXCI6XCJodHRwOlxcXC9cXFwvYmxvZ3MuYmlvbWVkY2VudHJhbC5jb21cXFwvb24tbWVkaWNpbmVcXFwvMjAxNFxcXC8xMFxcXC8yMFxcXC92aWFncmEtcHJvdGVjdHMtdGhlLWhlYXJ0LWJhY2stdG8tdGhlLWZ1dHVyZS1mb3ItdGhlLWxvdmUtcGlsbHNcXFwvXCIsXCJpZFwiOlwiY2YyZGY0MjVhZTM2NDZhZTg0ZGM1Mjg2ZDRlNWM4NjRcIixcInVybF9pZHNcIjpbXCJkY2M3NWNjZmRhZTI0ZjBjM2QyZjdiNjEzYzViMDU3N2I4NDJjNTVjXCJdfSJ9" id="x_x_yiv6008004905yui_3_16_0_ym18_1_1458838734549_4116" target="_blank"><b id="x_x_yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1461348852386_3506">here's a medical article</b></a> that links to a well-respected study confirming the use of this drug for some individuals with hypertension. Now, would you be comfortable answering my question, Patrice, or is there someone else I need to speak to about the situation?</span></div>
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<span aria-label="Received 5/10/2016." class="allowTextSelection" id="ItemHeader.DateReceivedLabel" role="presentation" style="-webkit-user-select: text; cursor: auto;" tabindex="0" title="Tue 5/10/2016 10:54 AM">5/10/2016</span></div>
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<span autoid="_db_5" class="_db_s" style="line-height: 18px;">You replied on 5/10/2016 11:20 PM.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Ask me what you need to</span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Patrice Odette Csonger-Dalfo</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Associate Director</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">(P) XXX XXX XXXXX Ext XXX (F) </span><span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">XXX XXX XXXXX</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">From:</span></b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> Kenneth Larson [mailto:XXXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXX.com]<br /><b>Sent:</b> Tuesday, May 10, 2016 8:21 PM<br /><b>To:</b> <span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</span> <XXXXX@XXXXXXX.org><br /><b>Subject:</b> Re: Question about upcoming </span><span style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 14.6667px;">Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Patrice,</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Like I said, I'm extremely embarrassed about my treatment/condition, so please keep that in mind with your response. I've always been an avid runner, but this heart condition has been challenging and I've tried several treatments, but the Viagra is far and away the most effective. During the Philadelphia half marathon, I must have become erect, an erection no doubt caused a combination of my medication (Viagra for hypertension) and the intensity of race. I was so focused on trying to beat my personal time that I didn't notice, but apparently somebody was offended and contacted the police about "an aroused man making a scene and disrupting the race." I was stopped mid-race by the police and, although it was easy enough to explain the situation to the officers, I was mortified. Plus, the stoppage destroyed my time (and I was on pace for a personal best). Look, I know this is an usual situation, but I wanted to let you know about my condition and see if there was anything that could be done to guarantee I didn't have a repeat of the Philadelphia incident at the <span style="color: #212121; font-size: 14.6667px;">Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</span>. Any suggestions would be welcome.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Sincerely,</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Kenn</span></div>
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<span autoid="_rp_E" class="rpHighlightAllClass rpHighlightSubjectClass" role="heading" tabindex="0">RE: </span>Question about upcoming Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Half Marathon </div>
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<span aria-label="Received 5/11/2016." class="allowTextSelection" id="ItemHeader.DateReceivedLabel" role="presentation" style="-webkit-user-select: text; cursor: auto;" tabindex="0" title="Wed 5/11/2016 12:43 PM">5/11/2016</span></div>
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<span autoid="_db_5" class="_db_s" style="line-height: 18px;">You replied on 5/11/2016 10:49 PM.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Hi Kenn</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Wow, that had to be pretty frustrating for you as a runner.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Are you ok with me getting your bib number and notifying the police and radio volunteers of your medical condition so that no one stops you in case it happens again?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">I think if they have your bib number and are aware, they can address anyone who expresses a concern right away without stopping you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Let me know if you are comfortable with that or if you have any other suggestions.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Patrice</span></div>
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<span aria-label="Received 5/11/2016." class="allowTextSelection" id="ItemHeader.DateReceivedLabel" role="presentation" style="-webkit-user-select: text; cursor: auto;" tabindex="0" title="Wed 5/11/2016 12:43 PM">5/11/2016</span></div>
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<span autoid="_db_5" class="_db_s" style="line-height: 18px;">You replied on 5/11/2016 10:49 PM.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">From:</span></b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> Kenneth Larson [mailto:XXXXXXXX@XXXXXXX.com]<br /><b>Sent:</b> Wednesday, May 11, 2016 7:50 PM<br /><b>To:</b> <span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</span> <XXXXXX@XXXXXXXX.org><br /><b>Subject:</b> Re: Question about upcoming </span><span style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 14.6667px;">Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Patrice,<br /><br />First off, I sincerely want to thank you for listening to my concerns and taking them seriously. I was actually very nervous about divulging my situation, and I thought you'd either openly ridicule me or not take the situation seriously. Besides my therapist and my doctor, I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this.<br /><br />I am absolutely OK with </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">with you getting my bib number and notifying the police and radio volunteers of your medical condition -- and I think that's a very good idea. Thanks so much for taking the time to think about some workarounds for this situation.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><br /><br />And yes, Patrice, the situation was extremely frustrating. See, I've always thought of myself as a runner -- it's who I am; it's part of my identity. This heart condition/erection side-effect issue has really been a challenge for me. During my research, I've discovered that Viagra is increasingly being used to treat hypertension in middle-age adult males -- specifically middle-age adult males with athletic lifestyles. Were you aware of this in any way, Patrice? I'm very curious to see what the public at large knows about this medical issue.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Based on that research, it's not too much of a stretch to envision a time in the near future when there will be several male competitors in an event like the <span style="color: #212121; font-size: 14.6667px;">Tricky Dick's Rock Hard </span>marathon running and competing with the full-on erection side effect that stems from their treatment -- and that can potentially be an issue with spectators. I think race organizers should be aware of this likely scenario.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Sincerely,</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Kenn</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">P.S. I didn't mention this in the previous email because I was very embarrassed about the situation, the police stoppage wasn't the only unfortunate incident during the previous race. I figure I can tell you since you do genuinely seem to want to help me with this issue. During the half marathon, a group of teenager boys or young men in their early 20s must've noticed my medical erection. One of the boys yelled, "Look that old dude's got a boner." Then, the leader of the group, a portly kid with horrible acne, ran right up to me, said, "Here's some food for your boner you big creep!" and threw a Wendy's King Frostie right at my crotch area. The Frostie exploded all over my pants, and I ran like that until I was stopped by the police (like I mentioned in the previous email). Everything about that day was beyond mortifying for a grown man who is so passionate about competitive running, and I seriously considered giving up the sport altogether after that day -- one of the worst, most embarrassing days of my life.</span></div>
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<span autoid="_rp_E" class="rpHighlightAllClass rpHighlightSubjectClass" role="heading" tabindex="0">RE: </span>Question about upcoming Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Half Marathon </div>
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<span class="_pe_l2 PersonaPaneLauncher" style="display: block;"><span class="_pe_l" style="cursor: pointer; display: table-cell; overflow: hidden; vertical-align: middle; width: 190px;">Tricky Dick's</span></span></div>
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<span aria-label="Received 5/12/2016." class="allowTextSelection" id="ItemHeader.DateReceivedLabel" role="presentation" style="-webkit-user-select: text; cursor: auto;" tabindex="0" title="Thu 5/12/2016 10:52 AM">5/12/2016</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Good morning Kenn</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">No, I hadn’t heard of that medical treatment before and its effects on runners.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">I hope the same thing doesn’t happen to you here. But we are dealing with people who can be very insensitive at times, so we can just hope for the best!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">I will pass on the information to the people that need to know.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Good luck running on Saturday.</span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Patrice Odette Csonger-Dalfo</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Associate Director</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><b>Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Tricky Dick's Center for Sexual Awareness</span></div>
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<span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"><span class="contextualExtensionHighlight ms-font-color-themePrimary ms-border-color-themePrimary ident_948_985" role="button" style="border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-color: rgb(23 , 35 , 78); color: #17234e; cursor: pointer;" tabindex="0">2242, Red State, TX 48691</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">(P) XXX XXX XXXXX Ext XXX (F) </span><span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">XXX XXX XXXXX</span></div>
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<span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">(E) <a href="mailto:michelle.blevins@prescottymca.org" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">XXX@XXXX.org</span></a> (W)</span><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"> <a href="http://prescottymca.org/" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">XXXXXXXX.org</span></a></span></div>
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">All great journeys begin with a single 'Dick.'</span></div>
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<span autoid="_rp_E" class="rpHighlightAllClass rpHighlightSubjectClass" role="heading" tabindex="0">RE: </span>Question about upcoming Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Half Marathon </div>
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<span class="_pe_l2 PersonaPaneLauncher" style="display: block;"><span class="_pe_l" style="cursor: pointer; display: table-cell; overflow: hidden; vertical-align: middle; width: 190px;"><span aria-label="From Laura Winniford-Hodgins. Press the Enter key to open the contact card." class="bidi allowTextSelection" style="-webkit-user-select: text; cursor: pointer; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" tabindex="0">Tricky Dick's</span></span></span></div>
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<span aria-label="Received 5/12/2016." class="allowTextSelection" id="ItemHeader.DateReceivedLabel" role="presentation" style="-webkit-user-select: text; cursor: auto;" tabindex="0" title="Thu 5/12/2016 12:04 PM">5/12/2016</span></div>
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<span autoid="_db_5" class="_db_s" style="line-height: 18px;">You replied on 6/8/2016 4:44 PM.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">One more thing…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">It is suggested that you wear compression shorts underneath your running shorts.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Also, bring something from your doctor to have on you…just in case</span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Patrice Odette Csonger-Dalfo</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Associate Director</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><b>Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Tricky Dick's Center for Sexual Awareness</span></div>
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<span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"><span class="contextualExtensionHighlight ms-font-color-themePrimary ms-border-color-themePrimary ident_948_985" role="button" style="border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-color: rgb(23 , 35 , 78); color: #17234e; cursor: pointer;" tabindex="0">2242, Red State, TX 48691</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">(E) <a href="mailto:michelle.blevins@prescottymca.org" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">XXX@XXXX.org</span></a> (W)</span><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"> <a href="http://prescottymca.org/" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">XXXXXXXX.org</span></a></span></div>
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">All great journeys begin with a single 'Dick.'</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">From:</span></b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> Kenneth Larson [mailto:XXXXXXXX@XXXXXXX.com]<br /><b>Sent:</b> Wednesday, June 08, 2016 1:45 PM<br /><b>To:</b> <span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</span> <XXXXXX@XXXXXXXX.org><br /><b>Subject:</b> APOLOGY ATTEMPT -- Re: Question about upcoming </span><span style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 14.6667px;">Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Ms. Patrice,</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">I have been the victim of a hacking situation and none of the emails below were sent from me. Please let me know if you've received this, as I feel a compelling need to explain the issue and see that you receive the proper apology.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Kenneth Larson</span><br />
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<b style="color: #212121; font-family: "times new roman", serif;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">From:</span></b><span style="color: #212121; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> Kenneth Larson [mailto:XXXXXXXX@XXXXXXX.com]<br /><b>Sent:</b> Wednesday, June 08, 2016 5:34 PM<br /><b>To:</b> <span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</span> <XXXXXX@XXXXXXXX.org><br /><b>Subject:</b> </span><span style="color: #212121; font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 14.6667px;">APOLOGY ATTEMPT -- </span><span style="color: #212121; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Re: Question about upcoming </span><span style="color: #212121; font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 14.6667px;">Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">You did not participate in our race this year</span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Patrice Odette Csonger-Dalfo</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><b>Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Tricky Dick's Center for Sexual Awareness</span></div>
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<span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"><span class="contextualExtensionHighlight ms-font-color-themePrimary ms-border-color-themePrimary ident_948_985" role="button" style="border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-color: rgb(23 , 35 , 78); color: #17234e; cursor: pointer;" tabindex="0">2242, Red State, TX 48691</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">(E) <a href="mailto:michelle.blevins@prescottymca.org" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">XXX@XXXX.org</span></a> (W)</span><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"> <a href="http://prescottymca.org/" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">XXXXXXXX.org</span></a></span></div>
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">All great journeys begin with a single 'Dick.'</span></div>
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<span autoid="_rp_E" class="rpHighlightAllClass rpHighlightSubjectClass" role="heading" tabindex="0">Re: APOLOGY ATTEMPT -- Re: </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Question about upcoming Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Half Marathon </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Ms. Patrice,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">That's what I'm trying to explain. I DIDN'T participate in your race, and I DIDN'T send you those emails. I'm not sure how he did it (this is an account I only use for functions), but my son hacked into my email and has been playing a number of pranks. He's been punished, but I believe he owes it to both of us to send you a sincere apology over the phone. If you'd like, I can explain further. Or, if you'd prefer, we can set up a time for him to call and make his apology over the phone. I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this has caused you. My son is not a bad kid, and this behavior is completely out of character.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Sincerely,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Kenn</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span autoid="_rp_E" class="rpHighlightAllClass rpHighlightSubjectClass" role="heading" tabindex="0">RE: APOLOGY ATTEMPT -- Re: </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Question about upcoming Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Half Marathon </span></div>
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<span aria-label="Received 6/10/2016." class="allowTextSelection" id="ItemHeader.DateReceivedLabel" role="presentation" style="-webkit-user-select: text; cursor: auto;" tabindex="0" title="Fri 6/10/2016 10:30 AM">6/10/2016</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">I am not interested. Please cease and desist in contacting me or I will be sending this to our <b>Tricky Dick's </b>attorney</span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Patrice Odette Csonger-Dalfo</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Associate Director</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #0060af; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><b>Tricky Dick's Rock Hard Marathon</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #5c2e91; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">(E) <a href="mailto:michelle.blevins@prescottymca.org" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">XXX@XXXX.org</span></a> (W)</span><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"> <a href="http://prescottymca.org/" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">XXXXXXXX.org</span></a></span></div>
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Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-87026476039982318012016-04-15T19:41:00.001-07:002016-08-05T13:22:24.642-07:00We named our daughter after a bottle of wine: Here's why<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M6D_XYHWeRc/Vw3AYOKQioI/AAAAAAAAAVo/qL_MUu_X6mg0YQEWY9loUaBKUyE0UaWGwCLcB/s1600/Tuscany.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M6D_XYHWeRc/Vw3AYOKQioI/AAAAAAAAAVo/qL_MUu_X6mg0YQEWY9loUaBKUyE0UaWGwCLcB/s320/Tuscany.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">After two bottles of Chianti, we conceived a child in right in the middle of that picturesque vineyard while our tour guide begged us to stop.</td></tr>
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<br />
My wife Liz and I enjoyed <a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2015/06/italy-through-eyes-of-ignorant-comedian.html" target="_blank"><b>the wine in Italy</b></a> so much we had several bottles shipped back to our home. The plan was to spend the summer sipping the fine wine we'd enjoyed in Italy and telling anybody who would listen every annoying detail of our trip -- e.g., in Monterosso (Cinque Terre), I almost made us miss our ferry back to Manarola (Cinque Terre) because, at the last minute, I insisted on climbing the hill of San Cristoforo to see what an Italian cemetery looked like. See, all the wine in the world wouldn't make that interesting to you, now would it?<br />
<br />
Anyway, a few weeks after our return, Liz starts to worry she's either: A.) going through menopause extremely early, or B.) pregnant. She then sends me off to Walgreens to rule out the latter possibility. Even though it was a little less awkward then purchasing the Plan B pill, buying a pregnancy test has always made me uncomfortable. The moment I picked up that Clearblue package, I no longer felt like the confident, relaxed man I pretend to be in public. Instead, I was again that scared shitless high school kid who walked down the pregnancy test aisle of a Norristown K-Mart like a death row inmate making his final journey to the chair.<br />
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<h3>
A change of plans</h3>
<br />
Obviously, Liz passed the test with flying colors, or rather, flying color -- blue. But the news caught me completely off-guard. We had rarely talked about having children and managed to slip comfortably into our 30s without any, so I thought we might become that married couple who doesn't have kids and instead uses the money they save not taking care of a non-contributing human being to jetset around to lots of really cool places. Because of these factors, I probably didn't handle the pregnancy news as well as I could have. Here's some advice: When you're a 33-year-old married man and your wife tells you she's having your child, don't say: "Honey, I will support you no matter what you decide to do."<br />
<br />
When she found out she was pregnant, Liz made the surprising decision not to drink during the pregnancy, a decision unheard of in my family where one to four daily glasses of wine was thought to be "good for the baby." Nope, Liz did all of the things you were supposed to do while pregnant and swore off all the things you weren't. And she was generally pretty miserable doing it.<br />
<br />
For nine long months, Liz endured migraines, insomnia, pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel syndrome and a husband who drank like prohibition was only a few months away (with a huge assist from a younger California-born cousin who recently moved East). Despite all this, she opted not to indulge in the daily glass of wine that helped so many women through their pregnancies. Instead, Liz wanted to wait until she went into labor to indulge. Her birth plan consisted of: A.) recognizing that she was in labor B.) taking a long shower C.) pouring a healthy glass of wine from our Italy collection, and D.) watching "Pitch Perfect 2." Only after each of these four steps in the thought-out birth plan were completed would Liz go to the hospital to have the baby.<br />
<br />
By the eighth month of the pregnancy, we'd whittled down our list of potential names from anything except for Elizabeth to just three: Sydney, Julianna and Emma. The only thing we were sure about with the name was what would follow it: Marie. Regardless of whether our daughter was a Sydney, a Julianna or an Emma, Marie was the perfect phonetic stepping stone on the path to the harsh-sounding Bilski. Plus, I have an Aunt Marie whom I adore. I figured, if we weren't going to pay tribute to our parents with the baby's name, we could at least give a nod to an amazing aunt.<br />
<br />
About two weeks before the due date, it seemed like the contractions had already started. For a few hours every night, Liz would use the little contraction timer app on her phone, and every night the contractions would eventually subside. When we went to the doctor's appointment on the actual due date, we were fully expecting to hear, "Looks like this baby is coming some time today. You guys should head home so you have enough time to make it through that shitty Rebel Wilson movie." Instead we found out Liz was barely dilated, were assured it was very common for the first baby to come late and were given a date on which Liz would be induced if things to progress.<br />
<br />
That was on a Tuesday. When I walked through the door from work that Friday, Liz was having the same type of <i>Wait-This-Could-Be-Something-Here</i> feelings she'd had for the past few weeks. "Look, it's probably nothing, but just in case, can you open up one of those Italy wines?" We had three different bottles in a wall-mounted wine rack in our kitchen. The bottles had been sitting there for since for the better part of a year, but I'd hardly noticed them. I'd made a pact with Liz not to touch the Italy wine until she could enjoy it, too. I grabbed the bottle from the bottom of the rack; the easiest one to remove.<br />
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<h3>
A lazy coincidence</h3>
<br />
The wine I chose was a Chianti Classico from a little family-run winery about a half hour outside of Florence that specialized in Chianti and combining warming, charming hospitality with sweeping views of the picturesque Tuscan countryside. It was called Casa Emma. Of the three potential names we had for the baby, Emma had seemed least likely to come out on top, with Sydney looking like the clear favorite by the end of the third trimester.<br />
<br />
"It's a sign," Liz said when I showed her the Casa Emma bottle. "If the baby comes tonight, we're naming her Emma." By arbitrarily choosing a wine with one of our potential baby names in big, bold red letters right there on the bottle, I'd catapulted Emma to the top of the potential names list and virtually ensured our daughter would have at least one thing in common with with Bon Iver's obsession.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-B0BbP5q0oAI/Vw8OOzw-6EI/AAAAAAAAAWU/rdQsN1OCsjgr9AxoeCjBPglNunF9HOMvwCLcB/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-B0BbP5q0oAI/Vw8OOzw-6EI/AAAAAAAAAWU/rdQsN1OCsjgr9AxoeCjBPglNunF9HOMvwCLcB/s320/FullSizeRender.jpg" width="157" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The bottle from the title of this post.</td></tr>
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<br />
It would've been nice if Liz's contractions steadily increased that night until she was absolutely certain it was time. Instead, they subsided enough for her to think it was yet another false alarm. Deflated, we watched the Amy Winehouse documentary to remind ourselves that things could be a lot worse. By the time Amy died, so did Liz's hopes of having a baby that night, so she simply went to bed.<br />
<br />
I had a bit more difficulty falling asleep so I poured myself another glass of Emma wine and popped one of the Ambiens I'd been prescribed to help with my pregnancy-induced insomnia. A couple hours after Liz had fallen asleep and right when my Ambien was really hitting its stride, the contractions returned with a vengeance. This time Liz was sure it was the real thing so she calmly showered, called the hospital and, after several unsuccessful attempts, roused her drugged husband to let him know the baby was coming. While I stumbled around the house getting ready and wondering if I was in the midst of a very lucid Ambien dream, Liz made coffee. I'm guessing that trip to the hospital is surreal under the most stone-cold sober circumstances, but the addition of my little sleep aide/mild hallucinogen took the experience to a whole new level.<br />
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<h3>
An easy decision</h3>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-opErVH_dg34/Vw3BnJjwx7I/AAAAAAAAAV8/2WzjrW4MJ5Yd4luyv4RNX7nBcLor5HSrwCLcB/s1600/Emma.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-opErVH_dg34/Vw3BnJjwx7I/AAAAAAAAAV8/2WzjrW4MJ5Yd4luyv4RNX7nBcLor5HSrwCLcB/s320/Emma.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm so glad they didn't name me Sydney."</td></tr>
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<br />
Technically, Liz didn't have the baby the "that night," but she did go into labor -- a long, arduous labor -- and that was close enough. At 9:30 pm on January 9, 2016, twenty-seven and a half hours after she first asked me to crack open a bottle of the Italy wine, Liz gave birth to our daughter, Emma Marie Bilski. Not only had a bottle of wine had been the deciding factor in the our name-selection process, the picture on Casa Emma's label was also memorable enough for me to include it with the tattoo of my daughter's footprints I had done (below).<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vR6UKIvCZb4/Vw3A4LKogFI/AAAAAAAAAVs/cvkNZN6MewM0GBkdAJGAT4sylKnodF_owCLcB/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vR6UKIvCZb4/Vw3A4LKogFI/AAAAAAAAAVs/cvkNZN6MewM0GBkdAJGAT4sylKnodF_owCLcB/s320/FullSizeRender.jpg" width="246" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">When I'm old, this tattoo will look like a Rorschach Test.</td></tr>
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When all was said and done, we'd spent maybe two hours tops at Casa Emma, and when we loaded back on to the bus to continue our Tuscan wine tour, I took one long final look at the sea of green rolling hills surrounding the little stone island of Casa Emma, because I was sure I'd never be back there again. Now Liz and I argue over how soon is too soon to take Emma to see her winery. It's bound to be several years before we make that trip. In the meantime, we just received the first of what's sure to be many shipments of Chianti Classico (aka "Emma's wine"). These shipments will have to tide us over while we wait.<br />
<br />Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-26978989636718504362016-03-28T19:53:00.000-07:002016-03-28T19:58:29.771-07:00Jesus vs. The Easter Bunny: A One-Act Play<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W3TQlJZr3RU/VvnvKJwudnI/AAAAAAAAAVU/ou1pzgCfdsMXYGBP0zQxxC2GF-AldhLWw/s1600/jesus-and-bunny.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="247" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W3TQlJZr3RU/VvnvKJwudnI/AAAAAAAAAVU/ou1pzgCfdsMXYGBP0zQxxC2GF-AldhLWw/s320/jesus-and-bunny.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo: <a href="http://twitter.com/nakedpastor">twitter.com/nakedpastor</a></td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;">I</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;">NT. MALL OF AMERICA -- EASTER -- DAY</b><br />
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Jesus of Nazareth, permanently 33, is holding up an unopened bottle of Aquafina and speaking to a group of mesmerized children.</div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><b>Jesus</b></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">How many of you little children of God would like to see me turn this overpriced, environmentally harmful water into the magic grape juice most of your mommies drink to deal with unfulfilling marriages to your daddies?</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><b>Group of children</b></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">(In unison)</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><b>Jesus</b></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">Well, I'm going to need to a volunteer ...</span></div>
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In the middle of Jesus' presentation, one of the children spots a clearly intoxicated individual in an Easter Bunny costume stumbling toward Victoria's Secret.</div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><b>Child</b></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">(Pointing and screaming)</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">LOOK! THE EASTER BUNNY!!!!!!!!!</span></div>
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Suddenly, all of the children begin running toward the inebriated bunny who hears the commotion, turns to see his fans coming and quickly takes cover behind a rack of on-sale thongs. Jesus is left awkwardly holding the Aquafina bottle.</div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><b>Jesus</b></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">(Drops the bottle and stares at the scars on the center of his palms)</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">Why do I even try?</span></div>
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<b>END</b></div>
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Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-3949670495484370312016-03-01T20:32:00.000-08:002016-03-01T20:38:13.386-08:00My Failed Kickstarter Project: "Pals"A few years ago, I had a once-in-a-lifetime idea for a completely original sitcom that was guaranteed to be a smash hit on prime time television. When the idea first came to me, I vividly remember thinking, "Jared, this is going to change your entire life, but don't ever forget the people who loved you when you were a nobody." The universal appeal of my story was flat-out undeniable. But in order to get one of the major networks to take a chance on an unknown creator, I'd have to make a Pilot that was so strong ABC, NBC and CBS would be fighting each other for it. Problem was, I didn't have the funds needed. That's why I enlisted the help of Kickstarter. Here's the exact pitch I used to introduce my life-changing project to the crowdsourcing juggernaut:<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<u>Pals</u></h3>
<br />
Dear Kickstarter:<br />
<br />
What do young people living in Manhattan do when the real world just seems too much to take any longer? They turn to their "Pals" for companionship, comfort and support, that's what.<br />
"Pals" is the story of six young friends living in Manhattan and struggling to find happiness and success in the Big City. But things just never seem to work out as planned for these six.<br />
<br />
There's Bross, a sweet, harmless anthropologist with a knack for science but a heart for love, despite plenty of failures in the latter category. At this point in his life, Bross is looking to settle down, and the lass he's got his sights set on is none other than Grachel, a girl for whom he's always had strong feelings. In a former life Grachel was first the popular schoolgirl, then the spoiled rich girl who leached off of her father's sizable bank account. Now, however, she's determined to make it on her own (even if she has to waitress to do it) -- a statement she made in dramatic fashion when she ran from her own wedding. Yowsers! Grachel is living with Honica, Bross's compulsive, controlling and formerly-fat older sister. Scarred from years of ridicule at the hands of her classmates because of her weight, Honica used food to her advantage by becoming a chef. Now she's getting the last laugh because not only is she a top chef in a city where people are willing to pay top dollar for a good meal, she's lost a ton of weight to boot. But despite all of her success, all that Honica really wants is to find the right guys and start a family. Who knows ... he may be closer than she thinks!<br />
<br />
Every group has an eccentric and for these "Pals," that gal is Beebie. Ditzy, whimsical and impossible not to love, Beebie is a masseuse by day -- with aspirations to make it big as a songwriter who sings about everyday things, like a cat with a foul odor. "Beebs" as her "Pals" often call her often plays her original tunes at "Central Twerk," a coffee house the group regularly frequents. Then there's Shandler Zing, who does something with data. He's successful, although none of his "Pals" know just what it is that he does, which makes for some hilarious dialogue. Shandler's a wimpy guy who relies on his razor-sharp -- and prime-time television appropriate -- wit to mask his many insecurities and shortcomings, such as the fact that he hasn't been in a serious committed relationship since ... like ... ever. With an endless arsenal of witty one-liners that will no doubt be repeated ad nauseam by office workers everywhere (if you accept my project that is), it's literally impossible not to find yourself cracking up at what comes out of Mr. Shandler Zing's mouth.<br />
<br />
Rounding out the group is Toey Jibiani. If you love big, dumb stereotypical Italian hunks (and who doesn't, right?), then you'll absolutely adore Toey. A small-time actor with big-time dreams, Toey is the determined to make it big in show biz. And if Toey had even the a quarter of the luck with acting as he does with the ladies, he'd be a household name. Sure, Toey's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but based on the revolving cast of buxom beauties that frequent his bedroom, it's clear there's something very special about Mr. Jibiani's tool -- if you know what I mean!<br />
<br />
In addition to the main six, there's Pingo Gomez, a peripheral character with a critical role. Pingo Gomez is a Portuguese laborer who always seems to be lurking around in the background of each scene. Whenever one of the "Pals'" problems seem too heavy for a sitcom, Pingo steps out of the shadows and says something like, "You people's petty problems disgust me," which never fails to send the group off on fit of laughter. Who is this mysterious Pingo character and why is he always around? You'll have to pick-up my project to find out!<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
The Response</h3>
<br /><br />Not long after I made the pitch -- via email -- I received a response from George, who was obviously a high-level decision-maker at Kickstarter. George stated:<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><b>Kickstarter <no-reply@kickstarter.com> <br />6/14/13<br />to me</b><br /><br /><i>Hello Jared --<br /><br />Thanks for writing in! Your project sounds interesting, but let me give you a quick word of advice. A series of creative and engaging backer rewards is essential. Your rewards should reflect the personality of both you and your project -- and they should offer something tangible to your supporters.<br /><br />Having a few reasonably priced rewards will help incorporate everybody who is interested in what you are doing, even those only able to contribute $5-$20. Every buck counts! Check out our Kickstarter School entry on creating rewards: <a href="http://www.kickstarter.com/help/school/creating_rewards">http://www.kickstarter.com/help/school/creating_rewards</a>.<br /><br />Remember to check our guidelines ( <a href="http://www.kickstarter.com/help/prohibited">http://www.kickstarter.com/help/prohibited</a> ), and please note that discounts, gift certificates, returns on investments, raffles and coupons are prohibited as rewards.<br /><br />-George<br /></i><br />George and I then exchanged a few more messages on the specifics of the project:<br /><br /><br /><b>Jared Bilski <jrdbilski@gmail.com> <br />6/18/13<br />to No</b><br /><br /><i>By George, George, that's great news. So all I have to do is add a few rewards and "Pals" will be able to have a Kickstarter!? That's such great news!!! You made my year!<br /><br />Jared "Pals" Bilski</i><br /><br /><b>Kickstarter <no-reply@kickstarter.com> <br />6/24/13<br />to me</b><br /><br /><br /><i>Hi Jared --<br /><br />Yes. Please take the time to make some additions to your rewards section. In my experience, projects with 3 or more rewards tend to have a higher success rate than those with fewer.<br /><br />Further, is there any chance you'd consider adding a video? Videos often make projects more engaging and get people excited about the personality behind what you're doing. Just something to consider, totally up to you.<br /><br />Once you've had a chance to update your page let me know and I'll take another look.<br /><br />-George</i><br /><br /><h3 style="text-align: center;">
The letdown</h3>
<br />Then, right before I was set to begin my campaign to raise the $250,000 I needed to make the pilot from friends, family and venture capitalist, something terrible happened. A friend of my mine let me know the similarities between my project, 'Pals' and the popular nineties situation comedy 'Friends' were too great to merely be a coincidence. The only differences between the two, my friend surmised cruelly, were the names of the main characters and that strange peripheral character Pingo. And even the weren't that different, my friend added for good measure. After all, he said thrusting the knife deeper into my heart, only one letter separates Ross and Bross. <br /><br /><br /> And that's how the Kickerstarter campaign for my passion project "Pals" died before it ever had a chance at life (i.e., $250,000).<br /><br /><div>
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Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-91860774068935898592016-01-31T21:02:00.001-08:002016-01-31T21:02:40.712-08:00The Top 5 Valiums of 2015Scott Weiland died on a tour bus in a sad parking lot in an even sadder state (Minnesota), a strange Polish blogger discovered that despite years of copious drug usage and multiple fence-jumping accidents he somehow wasn't sterile, and I had the opportunity to tour strange and foreign lands like Italy and Clarks Summit. Yes, 2015 was quite an action-packed year. Despite all that was going on, I somehow managed to churn out more than 10 posts over the course of the year (a total of 11). That's an average of nearly a post per month! At this breakneck pace, I'll have all the material I need to put out a book of personal essays or prank emails by as early as 2052.<br />
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As is customary each year, I list the five most popular posts, which is about as ridiculous as a radio station doing a Best of the Best Today segment. Normally, this post would've come at the tail end of last year or the early part of this one, but my wife had to go and have our first child and that threw off the normally unbending editorial deadlines that have become a hallmark of this institution. As always, thanks for reading -- especially if you're reading this from Russia (Russia's readership really stepped it up this year). Now on to the list ...<br />
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<a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/search?q=Kim+DAvis" target="_blank"><b>5. The History of Kim Davis' Meteoric Rise to Fame.</b></a> Before 2015, nobody knew who Kim Davis' was -- except for the fine folks of Rowan County, Kentucky. Now she's so recognizable that when a camera pans to her briefly during the State of the Union she's trending on Twitter instantly. What most people don't know is how Davis got to where she is now. Thanks to hours (1) of research (Google searches and outright lies) I was able to piece together Davis' back story.<br />
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4. (Tie) <a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2015/06/italy-through-eyes-of-ignorant-comedian.html" target="_blank"><b>Italy through the eyes of an Ignorant Comedian: Introduction</b> </a>and <a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2015/03/melatonin-its-natural-so-its-be-bad-for.html" target="_blank"><b>Melatonin: It's Natural, So It Can't be Bad for me ... Right?</b></a> For the first time in Valium Vickie's storied history, there was a tie in the top five. The post about Italy got the exact same number of clicks (1,327,485) as the post about my sleep disorder. If you read both back to back, you'll actually find they're very similar.<br />
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3. <a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2015/08/4-places-my-boston-terrier-has-been.html" target="_blank"><b>4 Places my Boston Terrier Has Been that My Grandmother Hasn't.</b> </a> When all is said and done, my grandmother will probably have lived six or seven times longer than my beautiful Boston Terrier, Judith Weiland. Despite her unfairly short lifespan, Judith is determined to see as much of the world as possible (last year she swam in both the Pacific and the Atlantic oceans) while my grandmother continues to waste away in the bowels of Pennsylvania's once booming coal region. Which book would you rather read: "I've been going to the same hairdresser at the same time for 49 years" by Jared B's grandmother or "I f#cked a billionaire's Rottweiler, Curtis, on a yacht in Cabo" by Judith Weiland Bilski?<br />
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2. <a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2015/04/11-things-that-got-me-through-most.html" target="_blank"><b>11 Things that Got Me Through the Most Difficult Valentine's Day of my Life.</b></a> Ostensibly, this post is a transcript of prank text messages I sent on Valentine's Day, but it's really a post about the OCD tendencies that manifested themselves after my wife left me for a brief period early on in 2015. As fate would have it, we bumped into each other on our separately planned Italy trips, conceived a child in the Roman Colosseum and decided to give our marriage another shot for the sake of our child.<br />
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<h3>
And the winner is ...</h3>
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1. <a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-manayunk-bike-race-and-girl-in-pink.html" target="_blank"><b>The Manayunk Bike Race and the Girl in the Pink Pants.</b></a> This is the 100% true story of how I met my wife, Liz. Granted, it's nowhere near as romantic as my parents' story: They met a key party in the Poconos in 1979. Serendipity helped my mom pull the keys to my dad's Dodge Dart out of the bucket, but a poorly manufactured product prevented the engine to my dad's prized automobile from turning over. Luckily, my mom's first husband and the owner of an impressive mustache was a sport and agreed to drive my parents to a rent-by-hour hotel if my dad could get him some coke. Since my dad rarely left the house without a little of "Uncle Eddie's Gum-nummer" in those days, this wasn't an issue -- and the rest is history.Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-41796765929461335942015-12-30T17:17:00.001-08:002017-09-07T07:28:23.880-07:00Dear GoFundMe(like) Crowdfunding Site: I'm an Artist!When they're used correctly, popular crowdfunding sites like <a href="http://gofundme.com/">gofundme.com</a> and <a href="http://givemeyourmoneyyoustupidspoiledmillennial.com/">givemeyourmoneyyoustupidspoiledmillennial.com</a> can be invaluable resources for noble, worthwhile causes. But some of the online fundraising campaigns I've seen recently are really something. One of the most ridiculous fundraising requests I've ever seen comes from longtime Valium Vickie contributor Kenneth Larson. Here is a transcript of Larson's attempt to set the campaign up:<br />
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<i>* <u><b>Note</b></u>: The names have been changed. </i><br />
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<h3>
The Cause</h3>
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<span style="color: #f0a01f; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">MAY 19, 2015 | 09:20PM CDT </span><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />Original message<br />
<strong><span style="color: #f07522; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Kenneth</span></strong><strong><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></strong>wrote:<br />
<br />To whom it may concern,<br />
<br />I've seen A LOT of people trying to raise money for their own personal issues on sites like this, GoFundMe & something that I believe was called Pay It Straightforward. These fundraising campaigns really bother me. I mean, I saw this one case the other day where this lady Tricia (not her real name) was going on and on about how her husband got hit by a car crossing the street, and how she was so wrapped up in caring for her husband Dax (not his real name) that she missed a few rent payments and now she was in danger of being evicted. So now this lady has the nerve to ask people like us to cover for her mistakes. I mean, that story is sad and all, but come on? Maybe Dax should learn how to cross the street. I'm sorry, but no. Just no.<br />
<br />This got me to thinking. If anybody deserves a fundraising campaign it's me. Here's my story: My grandfather has been sick for a while, and it's looks like he's finally going to pass soon. The good news is I'm the beneficiary on his life insurance policy. The bad news is he wants me to use a good chunk of that money for his rather excessive burial and funeral service expenses. I had already planned on using that money to sustain myself so I could quit my job and focus on my art full time. <br />
<br />Yes, that's right, I'm an artist. I know plenty of people claim to be "artists," but I'm the genuine article. The project I'm working on now could literally change the way we (HUMAN BEINGS) look at LOVE -- and IMPACT the way we live our lives. But that project won't ever come to fruition if I have to work a 9-to-5 like some civilian. I NEED to be 100% focused on my art -- and with my pop's life insurance money, I can be. At least until I finish this project I can.<br />
<br />So I guess I have a few questions. One: Can I set up a fundraising campaign through your site? I honestly don't see why I shouldn't be able to. After all, most people's campaigns are somewhat selfish and don't offer anything in return to people for their generous donations. I'm offering people my ART. <br />
<br />I guess, the final question is: How should I market my campaign? You guys are the experts. Do you think I'll get more donations if I'm COMPLETELY honest (like my art) and say, "I need donations for my grandfather's funeral expenses ... so I can live off of his life insurance money to pursue my ART full-time while the inspiration is at its current fever pitch, etc., etc." Or should I keep it vague (but not dishonest) and simply say: "I need help raising money for my grandfather's funeral expenses." You guys are the experts, so please let me know.<br />
<br />Also, when responding, please keep in mind that it wasn't easy for me to be so HONEST with you about my situation.<br />
<br />Sincerely, <br />Kenneth</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f0a01f; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">MAY 19, 2015 | 11:44AM CDT</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> <br />
<b><span style="color: #f07522;">Meg F.</span></b> <span style="color: #525252;">replied:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10pt;">Hi Kenneth,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10pt;">Thank you so much for reaching out. Although GiveForward specializes in fundraising for medical and other emergency expenses, you can use GiveForward to raise money for other endeavors. The only specific restrictions we have are that you cannot raise money for legal fees or send money to an international bank account.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10pt;">The most important thing while using our site is to be completely honest with your supporters. As you mentioned, being honest isn’t always easy, and we don’t want you to share anything you are uncomfortable with. However, for the sake of transparency, it is important that your supporters understand where their funds will go. In this case, it would be best to explain that the funds will be going to funeral expenses, but will also be allowing you to quit your job and focus on art full time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10pt;">Most donations on our site will come from friends, family, and other people that you know. If you have a great network to reach out to for donations, then I would definitely suggest creating a page on our site! Just go to giveforward.com and click on the “Create” link to get started. You just have to tell your story, add some pictures, and then share the personalized link with your network.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10pt;">Once you set up your page, you will be assigned a personal fundraising coach who can answer any questions you might have in the future.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10pt;">My Best,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10pt;">Meg</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f0a01f; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">MAY 21, 2015 | 11:05PM CDT </span><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><strong><span style="color: #f07522; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Kenneth</span></strong><strong><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></strong>replied:<br /> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Meg (do you mind if I call you Meg?) or Ms. F., <br /> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Please, call me Kenn. First off, thanks so much for getting back to me so quickly. I gave you all of the stars on the "Rate Our Interaction," because of the thoughtful feedback you offered regarding my unique situation. <br />Because you didn't respond to my initial statement about the general nature of fundraising campaigns, I assume you also believe many causes are selfish and non-emergent but are unable to vocally express those thoughts because of your current position. I completely understand, and I respect your professionalism. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Now let's get down to business. After meditating on your response, I think you're right. "For the sake of transparency," I need to let my supporters know that not only will their donations go to my grandfather's funeral expenses, they will also go toward helping me to leave the chains of corporate America behind and pursue my ART full-time. Like my ART, my fundraising campaign will be 1000% honest.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">That brings me to my follow-up questions. In your letter, you said, Most donations on our site will come from friends, family, and other people that you know. If you have a great network to reach out to for donations, then I would definitely suggest creating a page on our site!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">That may present a bit of a problem. My biological father split when I was only five. He told my mom he couldn't be tied down with a family and needed to devote himself to his music full-time which, to this day, I think is an inexcusably selfish move. Who would actually say something like that out loud? Not that it matters, but he failed. Instead of writing original music, he now spends his time playing in a Steely Dan covered band that calls itself 'Reeling in the Gears,' a subtle nod to my deadbeat dad's daytime gig as an auto mechanic (I Googled him). My mother's a drunk, and my stepfather constantly tells me that ART is for queer little ladybugs. There's my feeble grandfather, whom I love. But this whole campaign centers around his life insurance money so I'm not sure if that's a conflict of interest or something. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">That leaves my friends. They mean well, but most of them are artists. They're not ARTISTS like me, people who need ART the way fish need WATER, the way nymphos need COITUS. But they think artsy things are cool, you know? Anyway, a bunch of these "friends" kind of owe me some money. So can I list the people who owe me by name on the fundraising page or do you have rules against this type of thing? I think guilting some of these people into doing the right thing could be a good way to get the ball rolling and that could create some type of domino effect and then, who knows? Maybe I'll be able to use ALL of Pop's life insurance money to fund my life as a FULL-TIME ARTIST.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated, but please understand the urgency of the situation when it comes to getting back to me. My grandfather is stable right now, but he is very, very old, and I need to get this campaign up and running BEFORE he takes a turn.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Thanks again for everything Meg or Ms. F.!<br />Sincerely,</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Kenn</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f0a01f; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">MAY 21, 2015 | 09:01AM CDT</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> <br />
<b><span style="color: #f07522;">Meg F.</span></b> <span style="color: #525252;">replied:</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Hi Kenn,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">I’m sorry to hear about some of the conflict within your family throughout your life. I’m glad to hear you have a strong community of fellow artists, though, and, of course, you have your art as an outlet as well!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">As I said, most of the donations we see on our site are from people who know you personally. There are a few reasons for this. First off, like yourself, many people are skeptical of fundraisers for individuals and causes that they do not know personally. While the majority of the causes on our site are genuine and honest, there are always a small minority of people who will try to start fundraisers selfishly. If you have not met the recipient or organizer personally, it is hard to tell whether a fundraiser is a worthy cause or not. Most importantly, the people who know you personally are the people who are most familiar with your situation and your passion for making art, and are therefore most likely to feel compelled to give.</span><span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><br />Although it may be tempting to list the people who owe you money, I would advise against it. In general, it is best not to put anyone’s name or information on the internet without their permission, and, though listing off names would almost certainly provoke a reaction from your friends, it may be a negative reaction. I would recommend posting your story to your page, and reaching out to those closest to you in a private, direct way explaining why their contribution would mean so much to you.</span><span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"></span><span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /><br />If you need any help with the create process, please let me know! My thoughts are with your grandfather and all of his loved ones.</span><span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><br />My Best,</span><span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"></span>
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<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Meg</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f0a01f; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />MAY 28, 2015 | 11:18PM CDT</span><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
<strong><span style="color: #f07522; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Kenneth</span></strong><strong><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></strong>replied:<br /><br />Meg,<br /> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I took your last response seriously, and I've been thinking about how best to respond. First off, the easy part. Thanks much for your thoughtful response. Your advice in our email exchange has really helped shape the direction of my fundraising campaign. For example, I've decided, in a large part because of your advice, that listing the friends who owe me money on the event page. But I will reach out and let them know that they'd better damn well donate if they expect to stay friends.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Now for the tricky part. I'm really going out on a limb here, and there's a small chance I'm completely off base (but I don't really think I am) so please be respectful of that in your response. Throughout our conversation, I've noticed a certain tone or vibe that I thought I may have been imagining. However, two statements in your most recent email have confirmed my suspicions. The two statements I'm referring to are: if you have not met the recipient or organizer personally, it is hard to tell whether a fundraiser is a worthy cause or not and If you need any help with the creation process, please let me know!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">While I may have missed some hints in the previous emails you sent, it's impossible not to see what you are getting at there. I too have felt a connection, and while I'm flattered by your not-so-subtle offer to meet the "organizer personally," I feel there are some things you should know. First, I'm currently in a committed relationship. That being said, the relationship isn't monogamous. As an ARTIST, monogamy is as dangerous as sobriety. If you would like to meet personally, initially as just a business meeting to discuss my project, I'd be open to that. However, my partner would have to accompany us. My partner would be there simply to vet you -- and also to ensure you're not trying to take advantage of my gentle ARTIST spirit. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Again, keep in mind how vulnerable I feel in broaching this difficult subject and let me know how you'd like to proceed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Sincerely,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f0a01f; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">MAY 28, 2015 | 10:33AM CDT</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> <br />
<b><span style="color: #f07522;">Ron R.</span></b> <span style="color: #525252;">replied:</span></span><span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Hi Kenn,</span>
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<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Thank you so much for your kind words, and I am so glad that Meg helped you build a clear idea of what you’d like your campaign to look like! All of us at GiveForward are here to help you create and manage a successful fundraiser, but can be done via email or over the phone. Once you publish your fundraiser on our site, you will be assigned a personal fundraising coach who can help you with any tips or suggestions you might need for making your fundraiser a success.</span><span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /><br />I apologize if this was not clear, but Meg’s words were advice that we give to many of our users about the general nature of fundraising campaigns. It is rare to see a lot of donations or support from people you do not know, and, for the most part, we suggest promoting within your current circle of friends, families, and acquaintances.</span>
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<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Please let us know if you have any further questions! Any of our User Happiness Representatives would be more than happy to help!</span><span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /><br />My best,</span>
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<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Ron</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f0a01f; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">MAY 29, 2015 | 01:23PM CDT </span><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><strong><span style="color: #f07522; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br />Kenneth</span></strong><strong><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></strong>replied:<br /> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Oh dear. Based on the fact that I'm receiving this message from you, Ron R., I assume my assumptions about Meg F's messages were incorrect, weren't they? </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">So when you say: I apologize if this was not clear, but Meg’s words were advice that we give to many of our users about the general nature of fundraising campaigns, you mean I was mistaken, and Meg F. was never actually asking me out on a date, don't you? </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I'm SO embarrassed at the pickle I've gotten myself into. I simply don't know what to say, Ron R. I feel like a heel -- a heel that has suffered an Achilles tear to boot. You mentioned also said: Once you publish your fundraiser on our site, you will be assigned a personal fundraising coach who can help you with any tips or suggestions you might need for making your fundraiser a success. I'm assuming that because of our "misunderstanding," Meg F. would never agree to be my personal fundraising coach once my fundraiser is published. Is that correct, Ron R.?<br />
<br />Before I continue, would you mind passing along an apology to Meg F for me?<br />
<br />Sincerely, <br />Kenn L.<br />ARTIST</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f0a01f; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">MAY 29, 2015 | 02:52PM CDT</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> <br />
<b><span style="color: #f07522;">Kara S.</span></b> <span style="color: #525252;">replied:</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Hi Kenn,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Like Ron mentioned, as soon as you create a fundraiser you will be assigned a Fundraising Coach from our team. Meg F is actually a User Happiness Representative, like myself and Ron, so you would be assigned to someone else as a coach. All of our coaches are wonderful, so you’ll be in good hands. If you need any help with the create process, let us know!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Best, <br />Kara<br />
<b>Kara S.</b><br />User Happiness Rep</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f0a01f; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">JUN 02, 2015 | 07:48PM CDT </span><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
<strong><span style="color: #f07522; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Kenneth</span></strong><strong><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></strong>replied:<br /> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Kara S.,<br />
<br />I'm SOO confused right now, and I'm also feeling pretty vulnerable. (I don't know if you know this, but I'm an ARTIST, so I feel more deeply than regular people.) I was talking to Ron R. about passing along a message to Meg F., and the next thing I know I'm getting an email from you, Kara S., about the the difference between a Fundraising Co-chair and a User Happiness Associate that doesn't really address my apology to Meg F., which is something I really need to clear up before I put my fundraiser up live. Honestly, I have this sneaking suspicion that you guys are playing some elaborate prank on me, and it's very disconcerting.<br />
<br />If this isn't the case, then I apologize, but I really think your average person would see this situation the same way that I do. I'm not sure how much you know about my situation, but apparently, I misinterpreted some things that Meg F. said to encourage me in fundraising efforts. Next thing I know, I'm being contacted by Ron R. from whom I failed to receive any reply at all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If this isn't you guys just having a little fun with an eccentric (i.e., ARTIST), then the only other explanation that seems plausible is this: Ron R. has feelings for Meg F. and, because of this, he knowingly sabotaged my apology. As a romantic, I understand this logic, but can you, Kara S., PLEASE clarify what's going on here and let me know if it's possible to somehow get my apology to Meg F.?<br />
<br />Sincerely,<br />Kenn L.<br />ARTIST</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f0a01f; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 9.5pt;">JUN 02, 2015 | 10:07AM CDT</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> <br />
<b><span style="color: #f07522;">Ron R.</span></b> <span style="color: #525252;">replied:</span></span><span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Hi Kenn,</span>
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<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m so sorry for any miscommunication! There are eight User Happiness Reps at GiveForward, the team which Meg, Kara, and I are a part of. We answer emails as they come in; so you may hear back from different people at different times. I assure you we are here simply to help! Please know that your message was passed along to Meg and no further apologies are necessary. If you have any further questions about creating a fundraiser on our site, any of us would be happy to help out.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #525252; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">My best,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f0a01f; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">JUN 02, 2015 | 07:48PM CDT </span><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
<strong><span style="color: #f07522; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Kenneth</span></strong><strong><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></strong>replied:<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Ron R. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Thanks for clarifying. I gave you all of the stars in my rating to show my gratitude for your help. Also, I apologize for insinuating that you may have feelings for Meg F. If you do, that's none of my business. Also, I apologize for the delay, but I relapsed again ... hard. I know that's not relevant to our situation, but I want you to know that I'm REAL. I'm not sure if I mentioned it to you (or just Meg F. & Kara S.), but I'm an ARTIST, and I choose to suffer for my ART. Did you know that if an ARTIST doesn't use mind-altering substances, his or her ART will ALWAYS be contrived. It's a fact.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Anyway, I don't mean to sound ungrateful here. I very much appreciate the advice Giveforward offered about how I should stress the truth about my situation and how awful my immediate family has been to me in the hopes of garnering more donations for people. But here's the thing: I can't push forward with this project until I'm ABSOLUTELY SURE the misunderstanding with Meg F. is behind me and that I'm forgiven.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">To do that, I need you Ron R. to pass along this forgiveness poem I've written for Meg F. and let me know exactly what she said. Can you do that for me, Ron R?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Here is my forgiveness poem, titled "Darkest Hollows:"</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">In darkest hollows, viscous phlegm crawls slowly toward the light <br />while diseased pustules weep tears of atonement. <br />Am I forgiven?</span></i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Cheers,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">Kenn</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>END OF CORRESPONDENCE </b></span></div>
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Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-37410040884307768912015-11-07T08:06:00.000-08:002015-11-07T08:06:22.358-08:00Dear Red Roof Inn: How Did That Thing Even Get Into My Room?I can't say enough good things about the Red Roof Inn. The price is affordable, the rooms are clean and comfortable, and the service is always outstanding. To illustrate this superior customer service, here's an email exchange I had with the general manager (yep, management not just a desk clerk!) at the Wilkes-Barre Red Roof Inn:<br />
<br />
<i><u><b>Note</b></u>: The name of the general manager has been changed. In other words, Ben Carson IS NOT the general manager of the Wilkes-Barre Red Roof Inn. </i><br />
<br />
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>From</b>: jared bilski [mailto:XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com] <br />
<b>Sent</b>: Thursday, August 20, 2015 1:18 PM<br />
<b>To</b> XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com<br />
<b>Subject: </b>Your phone message to me (Jared Bilski) yesterday</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%;">
Benny,
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got your email through the Red Roof Inn twitter account,
and I'm writing, as opposed to calling, because my cell phone is almost out of
minutes. Basically, I'm writing because I have a question about hotel policy,
and I believe you deserve to know this (if you didn't already): Here it is:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I mentioned in my review, I had NO ISSUES with the hotel
and quite enjoyed my stay -- the service was friendly and great, the room was
comfortable, etc. However, an incident took place during my stay that I feel I
must bring to your attention. I'm not sure how to bring this up without making
myself sound a bit off, but this event definitely happened. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After returning from a trip to the ice machine, I heard a
wrestling coming from the bathroom of my hotel room. When I went to check on
the noise, a small pony came charging out of the bathtub (it had been licking
the faucet) and ran straight out of my room. I rushed to the doorway to see
where the pony went, and that's when I noticed a man gently leading the pony
down the outdoor corridor. He turned back in my direction, offered a wave and
said, "Sorry about that, pal. My mistake -- should've been watching
him," before disappearing into a room.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Please understand, that I'm not complaining about the pony
in my hotel room. I was the one who left my hotel door open when I went to get
the ice, and things like this can happen when you leave your hotel door wide
open. I CAUSED the situation, and I take full responsibility. I'm only bringing
this your attention on the off-chance you weren't aware that a small pony was
staying in the hotel that weekend. I know many hotels are pet friendly these
days, but I doubt that amenity includes small horses. Whether you were or
weren't aware of the situation, can you please let me know for my own peace of
mind?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sincerely,<br />
Jared Bilski</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>RE: Your phone message to me (Jared Bilski) yesterday </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>From</b> XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com ><br />
<b>To</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com > <br />
<b>Cc</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com > <br />
<b>Sent</b>: Thursday, August 20, 2015 2:58 PM<br />
<b>Subject</b>: RE: Your phone message to me (Jared Bilski) yesterday</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello Mr. Bilski,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank you for
responding to my telephone message to you yesterday and for relaying your
questions and concerns from your recent stay here. I am happy to hear you
enjoyed a clean room and received good customer service from our staff.
I am not aware of anyone seeking approval from our staff that weekend to
have a small pony stay in any of our rooms. We follow our corporate pet
policy which allows for one well behaved pet to stay in the room and the pet
cannot be left unattended. Had we been asked about a pony staying in one
of our rooms, we would have responded that this would not be allowed. We
do have several “horsemen” from the Pocono Downs harness racing track stay with
us. The track is only about 2 miles away from our inn.
It could very well be that one of these horsemen had such a pony with them and
it got away for a few minutes. If that was the case, I do
apologize for such an interruption during your stay. You are
correct that we would not allow such an animal in our rooms, if we were asked
by a guest. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Please
let me know if you have any further questions or concerns regarding this
matter. Thank you again for bringing this to our attention. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Benjamin Carson | General Manager<br />
P XXX.XXX.XXXX | F XXX.XXX.XXXX | C XXX.XXX.XXXX<br />
Red Roof Inn – Wilkes-Barre • 1035 Highway 315, Wilkes-Barre, PA 18702 <br />
XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com</b><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>From</b>: jared bilski [<a href="mailto:jrdbilski@yahoo.com" target="_blank">mailto:jrdbilski@yahoo.com</a>] <br />
<b>Sent</b>: Friday, August 21, 2015 10:46 AM<br />
<b>To</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com<br />
<b>Subject</b>: Re: Your phone message to me (Jared Bilski) yesterday</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Benny,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thanks so much for your response -- and for clearing up the
situation. No need to apologize. I just thought I was losing my mind when I saw
that pony/small horse scampering across the second floor outdoor corridor. I
really needed to confirm what I saw for my own sanity, you know? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As for the "horsemen," I'm well aware. I have
family in the area, and they all love Pocono Downs. In fact, my great uncle,
Salvatore 'whispers' Scrimallini was once a noted horseman himself.
Unfortunately, in a tragic accident, he was trampled to death by one of his one
horses. But you don't need to know that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One last question: Is it possible that a guest brought a
pony through the lobby so quickly he was able to convince the night manager he
was checking in a large dog? I know that sort of thing has happened at other
hotels. Please let me know -- and thanks again for the great service!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sincerely,<br />
Jared Bilski</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<b>From</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com ><br />
<b>To</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com > <br />
<b>Sent</b>: Saturday, August 22, 2015 7:18 AM<br />
<b>Subject</b>: RE: Your phone message to me (Jared Bilski) yesterday</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello Jared,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In response to your
additional question, I suppose anything is possible. I would think
though that my staff would be able to identify a horse vs. a large
dog. Thank you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<b>Benjamin Carson | General Manager<br />
P XXX.XXX.XXXX | F XXX.XXX.XXXX | C XXX.XXX.XXXX<br />
Red Roof Inn – Wilkes-Barre • 1035 Highway 315, Wilkes-Barre, PA 18702 <br />
XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<b>From</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com<br />
<b>Sent</b>: Sunday, August 23, 2015 10:18 PM<br />
<b>To</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com<br />
<b>Subject</b>: Re: Your phone message to me (Jared Bilski) yesterday</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hi Benny,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Again, thanks for the response. I really appreciate the
service! When you explain it that way, I suppose it is kind of silly to think
your staff wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a horse and a pony.
I mean, everybody has the Internet these days, you know? Anyway, one final
theory -- and it's just a theory: Do you think it's possible that someone
sneaked a pony in to hide it for a one-year old's birthday party? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm not sure if you're from the area or if you simply manage
the hotel there, but Wilkes-Barre has a longstanding tradition of throwing
elaborate, over-the-top children's birthday parties dating all the way back to
the early 40s -- a time when Wilkes-Barre and Scranton was basically controlled
by the mafia. I heard a story about a one-year-old birthday in Dunmore (next to
Scranton) where the parents had 14 peacocks and four ostriches (like in the
Bible) as well as a pony and goats. Did you know the area used to be
mafia controlled, Benny? It's a fascinating story and I highly recommend
"The Quiet Don" if you're looking for additional info. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So which do you think is more likely -- a stray horse
wandering over from Pocono Downs or a sneaky and affluent parent trying to keep
all the surprises under wraps from friends, neighbors and other family members
until the big day? If it's the latter, I think it's disgusting that people
would blatantly disregard hotel policy when the Red Roof is simply trying to
give people a comfortable stay at an affordable price.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sorry for the long nature of the response. I know this
sounds a little nutty, and I know you have more important things to do than
respond to my hunches, but I'm really curious about your thoughts: Were you
aware of the elaborate and competitive children's birthday party scene up in
the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton area and, if so, do you think it could've somehow had
anything to do with the pony I saw? Let me know. And thanks again for the
service -- it's great to get a manager who actually takes the time to listen
and respond these days!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sincerely,<br />
Jared Bilski</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>From</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com ><br />
<b>To</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com > <br />
<b>Sent</b>: Monday, August 24, 2015 10:05 PM<br />
<b>Subject</b>: RE: Your phone message to me (Jared Bilski) yesterday</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello Mr. Bilski,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To answer
your question, no I was not that aware of how elaborate and competitive
children’s birthday parties could be. Again, anything is possible.
I would hope though that if that were the case, my staff would realize and deal
with the situation and follow our pet policy. We would not knowingly let
a pony stay on our property. Thank you also for sharing some history on
the area.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Benjamin Carson | General Manager<br />
P XXX.XXX.XXXX | F XXX.XXX.XXXX | C XXX.XXX.XXXX<br />
Red Roof Inn – Wilkes-Barre • 1035 Highway 315, Wilkes-Barre, PA 18702 <br />
XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com</b><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>From</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com<br />
<b>Sent</b>: Thursday, August 27, 2015 10:48 PM<br />
<b>To</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com<br />
<b>Subject</b>: Re: Your phone message to me (Jared Bilski) yesterday</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Benny,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My pleasure. Wilkes-Barre has a much more interesting
history than most people realize. If you'd like, I can let you borrow my copy
of "The Quiet Don" so you can learn more? Let me know. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Benny, I just learned some upsetting news that I feel
compelled to share with you. I told my cousin, the one I shared the room with
at your Red Roof, all about the theories we were discussing regarding the stray
Pony, and he immediately started shaking his head. "Dude, that pony wasn't
real," my cousin said. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
See, during our stay, I hadn't been feeling well, and I had
a fever of 101. When my cousin saw my condition, he offered to make me some
tea. Apparently my cousin meant to give me some homemade peppermint tea that he
swears by, but he accidentally gave me something much stronger. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Unbeknownst to
me, my cousin had given me a powerful -- but supposedly legal -- hallucinogen.
The pony that charged through my room was nothing more than a convincing visual
hallucination. My cousin said I wouldn't stop talking about it and, even though
he considered telling me about the accidental drugging, he ultimately decided
it would freak me out too much (I'm not a drug guy). So when I awoke the next
morning, feeling surprisingly refreshed, I was convinced I'd actually seen a
pony in my room the previous night -- and I just couldn't figure out how it got
there. And because my cousin never told me about the hallucinogen (until now),
the whole thing was making me a little crazy. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That's why I contacted you. Now I feel horrible about the
way this whole thing played out -- and the fact that you were probably worried
about ponies getting into your hotel. Had I known about my cousin's stupid
mistake, I would've never wasted your time with this. But I will say this, Benny: Your customer service has been outstanding -- and I really, really
appreciate all of your responses to my questions. I was wondering if there was
anything I could do for you to make up for this -- a glowing review on Trip
Advisor, a testimonial, a handwritten letter to the Red Roof Corporate Offices
about the outstanding service I received from you? (Obviously, I'll leave out
the part about the hallucinogen and the pony.) I feel like this is the very
least I can do after all of the trouble I've caused, but if you have something
else in mind, please let me know. Again, my apologies for the mix-up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sincerely,<br />
Jared Bilski</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>From</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com<br />
<b>To</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com > <br />
<b>Sent</b>: Saturday, August 29, 2015 7:25 AM<br />
<b>Subject</b>: RE: Your phone message to me (Jared Bilski) yesterday</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello Mr. Bilski,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In
response to your recent message, I would never turn down the offer from a
guest to do a positive Trip Advisor Review. I am very happy
you shared your comments and concerns with me. Your feedback is so
very important to me and our entire team. Please do not ever think
you were wasting my time as we tried to justify what you reported. Thank
you again for your offer to do a TripAdvisor review. We look forward to
serving you again in the future. Thank you.<br /> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Benjamin Carson | General Manager<br />
P XXX.XXX.XXXX | F XXX.XXX.XXXX | C XXX.XXX.XXXX<br />
Red Roof Inn – Wilkes-Barre • 1035 Highway 315, Wilkes-Barre, PA 18702 <br />
XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b> </b><br />
<b>From</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com<br />
<b>Sent</b>: Wednesday, September 02, 2015 1:30 PM<br />
<b>To</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com<br />
<b>Subject</b>: Re: Your phone message to me (Jared Bilski) yesterday</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Benny,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Please, call me Blinky (what friends call me); we've
exchanged enough emails now that I consider you a friend. I will definitely
write up that review ASAP. But real quick, after thinking it over, I was
wondering if you thought I should actually include the part about my cousin
accidentally giving me the psychedelic tea and me hallucinating the pony and
all that -- or if I should just keep the review generic and focus on the
quality of my stay and the staff's (i.e, you) response to my many questions? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The reason I'm asking is because the details of the pony
hallucination could cause the review to go viral, which would in turn cause
more people to seek out the hotel. You know, outlets like TMZ, Buzzfeed, Tosh.0
and Marie Claire may be inclined to pick up a "Patient hotel manager
expertly responds to insane guest who thought he saw a pony running through the
hotel but was really under the influence of a powerful, hallucinogenic
tea" story and that would probably be good for you guys, right? Just a
thought -- let me know.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Also, you never let me know if you wanted to borrow
"The Quiet Don." I have to go up to Scranton in Nov. for a live draft
of this celebrity death pool my family does, and I could drop it off then. Let
me know.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thanks again for everything,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Blinky</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>From</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com ><br />
<b>To</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com > <br />
<b>Sent</b>: Wednesday, September 2, 2015 2:47 PM<br />
<b>Subject</b>: RE: Your phone message to me (Jared Bilski) yesterday</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello Jared,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My hope in asking you
to write the Trip Advisor review would be to share your comments regarding the
quality and cleanliness of your room and the customer service you received
here. These are the things that potential guests are mostly curious
about and looking for - when seeking lodging. While I am not
much of a book reader, I appreciate the offer and loan of your book.
Please feel free to stop in and see us when you are in town next time.
Take care and thank you for doing the review. <br /> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Benjamin Carson | General Manager<br />
P XXX.XXX.XXXX | F XXX.XXX.XXXX | C XXX.XXX.XXXX<br />
Red Roof Inn – Wilkes-Barre • 1035 Highway 315, Wilkes-Barre, PA 18702 <br />
XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com</b><br />
<br />
<b>From</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com<br />
<b>Sent</b>: Monday, September 07, 2015 6:55 PM<br />
<b>To</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com<br />
<b>Subject</b>: Re: Your phone message to me (Jared Bilski) yesterday</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Benny,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Please, please call me Blinky. Pretty much everybody who
I've talked to more than twice calls me Blinky. I can be there Monday,
Wednesday or Friday between 11 a.m. and 5:30 p.m., so just let me know when
you're working, and I'll swing by and drop off "The Quiet Don" with
you. Wednesdays between 11:30 a.m. and 4:30 p.m work best, but whatever is
easier for you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As for the review, I get it. For professional purposes, you
probably want me to keep any references to the pony/involuntary hallucinogenic
drug usage referenced only in code -- or not at all. Would you like to see a
draft of the review in advance -- or is that something you guys don't do? Let
me know.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sincerely,<br />
'Blinky' Kenn Larson</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>From</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com<br />
<b>To</b>: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com<br />
<b>Sent</b>: Thursday, September 17, 2015 3:32 PM<br />
<b>Subject</b>: RE: Your phone message to me (Jared Bilski) yesterday</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello Blinky,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I apologize
for not replying to you sooner. Things have been very busy here at
the property. I am not much of a reader, so thank you very
much for the offer of the book, however, I would decline at this
time. We would appreciate your doing a positive on-line
review with TripAdvisor where you can comment on the condition and cleanliness
of your room, and the customer service received. I would not need to
review it prior to your doing it. Please let me know if you have any
questions. Thank you very much. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 8.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-28275733426281133742015-10-23T11:08:00.001-07:002015-10-30T07:00:55.476-07:00The History of Kim Davis' Meteoric Rise to Fame<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IhXqvchLoO4/Vip16VDsNOI/AAAAAAAAAUc/M_a9XsvDRfs/s1600/kim-davis.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IhXqvchLoO4/Vip16VDsNOI/AAAAAAAAAUc/M_a9XsvDRfs/s320/kim-davis.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: Hngn.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
When Kim Davis, the homely, corpulent county clerk from Kentucky, was jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, she became an overnight media sensation and spokesperson for hate-filled lunatics everywhere.<br />
<br />
While it may appear as if Davis came out of nowhere, that's simply not the case. The trajectory of Kimberly Davis' life was shaped by a series of seemingly coincidental events that eventually led to that magical moment when, with the sounds of Survivor's visceral 'Eye of the Tiger" blaring in the background, a grown man in overalls and a straw hat led Davis to a strategically placed podium where none other than the great Mike Huckabee and attorney Matt Staver raised her arms triumphantly toward the great intolerant God she was serving. From a distance, it may have looked like a new county pie-eating champion was being crowned. But this was no ordinary event. No, this was the appointment of the new face of religious rights. Here's how she got there.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_BIhawolHJc/VimjMHaUJNI/AAAAAAAAATQ/ao20Dj7yVEE/s1600/Angry-Baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_BIhawolHJc/VimjMHaUJNI/AAAAAAAAATQ/ao20Dj7yVEE/s320/Angry-Baby.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: The Web Awards</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b>"The Angriest Baby in Kentucky."</b> On September 17, 1965, Kim Jean Bailey Davis came into to this world screaming bloody murder, and she basically didn't stop until she was four and a half years old. Davis' wailing became so well-known throughout her hometown of Moorehead that her neighbors nicknamed her "The Angriest Baby in Kentucky," and, to keep their sanity, Davis' parents convinced themselves the sound of the incessant screaming was actually the sound of a happy, adjusted baby.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--ZebNTvkp98/VimjWsb_Q6I/AAAAAAAAATY/BSw84AuiYfY/s1600/tumblr_lndnftEPud1qb08qmo1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="203" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--ZebNTvkp98/VimjWsb_Q6I/AAAAAAAAATY/BSw84AuiYfY/s320/tumblr_lndnftEPud1qb08qmo1_500.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: ilovepugs.tumblr.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b>The Pug Abuse Phase.</b> From ages nine through 11, Davis went through phase where she'd sneak around late at night, steal Pugs from local residents and carve "Kim was here" into their haunches with a pocket-knife her grand-daddy gave her to protect herself from the "coloreds." <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-z7IDb5GYhu8/VimjidrEFXI/AAAAAAAAATg/R-YvSwbKh_I/s1600/e9f2f3b6-af4c-4277-b086-f1d426acd1f2_thumb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-z7IDb5GYhu8/VimjidrEFXI/AAAAAAAAATg/R-YvSwbKh_I/s320/e9f2f3b6-af4c-4277-b086-f1d426acd1f2_thumb.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: funnypicturedaily.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b>'Kimsandra The Gothic Handjob Princess.'</b> In an effort to escape the feelings of insecurity and worthlessness that dominated her high school years, Davis created the alter ego Kimsandra. Every Monday after school Davis would change into all black clothing (and often a cape), apply heavy layers of black eyeliner and white powder to her doughy face and jowls, and lead various male classmates to St. Stan's cemetery. There amongst the gravestones Davis would masturbate her guests to completion while whispering a mixture of original poetry and Jefferson Starship lyrics in their ears. Afterward, she'd force the boys to take her to Red's Diner where she'd order two hamburgers with mayo and honey.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZyNKPqavnIs/VipxwC03I8I/AAAAAAAAAT0/LmVSKpsKdGE/s1600/Redneck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZyNKPqavnIs/VipxwC03I8I/AAAAAAAAAT0/LmVSKpsKdGE/s320/Redneck.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: mrconservative.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b>The Marriage Phase: 1994-2008.</b> Inspired by the relationship of Tim and Jill from "Home Improvement," Davis spent the better part of the early 90s searching for a suitable husband and was married three times over a 14-year period. Kim Davis was first married in 1994. The marriage unraveled when Davis' husband, an amateur pug photographer, learned of Kim's childhood animal abuse; her second soured after her husband caught her giving handjobs to community college students in a local cemetery; and her third marriage slowly dissolved following a drunken argument about Davis' husband's refusal to defecate on her chest. Following a chance encounter at a local cemetery, Davis and her second husband reunited and eventually remarried in 2009.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z83vr4X-bkA/Vipx9fUwYCI/AAAAAAAAAT8/KPW7CL_jBQQ/s1600/Paula%2BDean.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z83vr4X-bkA/Vipx9fUwYCI/AAAAAAAAAT8/KPW7CL_jBQQ/s320/Paula%2BDean.jpg" width="220" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: themountaineer.villagesoup.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />
<b>"Religious Awakening" and Conversion.</b> Following her mother-in-law's deathbed promise to bequeath her autographed Paula Dean deep-fryer onto her daughter-in-law if she went to church, Davis agreed and controverted to the Apostolic Pentecostal faith. Davis has remained steadfast in both her faith and her use of the deep fryer, which she claims led to a "religious awakening" regarding chicken. To this day, she attends church three times per week and uses the deep fryer for every home-cooked meal.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-73yOiNkEkiU/VipyRiEDczI/AAAAAAAAAUE/T5YjfuHVIa8/s1600/kim_davis_released_jail.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-73yOiNkEkiU/VipyRiEDczI/AAAAAAAAAUE/T5YjfuHVIa8/s320/kim_davis_released_jail.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Source: mambaonline.com</td></tr>
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<br />
<b>Kim's Power Play</b>. In 2015, Davis became county clerk of Rowan County, Ky., a position previously held by mother. When Davis took office, she was expecting instant power and prestige but was quickly disappointed by the excessive paperwork and mundane nature of the job. One afternoon, Davis was contemplating a career change (<i>Maybe I can do tours of historic local cemeteries ...</i>) when Deacon Clayton, the local UPS man, came in and brought up the Supreme Court's gay marriage decision. "Theys sayin you gotta let the queers get married now, huh. Well, let me ask you sumpin, 'What happens if somebody flat out refuses to give 'em a license?' I'll tell what happens, that person'll be a hero to most Mericans, that's what." And with those eight words -- <i>that person'll be a hero to most Mericans</i> -- Davis saw a golden opportunity. <i>First, I'll go viral, then I'll get the book deal, and then they'll make a movie about me</i>, Davis thought to herself before deciding to deny marriage licenses to each and every gay couple who walked through her doors until the world took notice.<br />
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And it looks like it's all playing out according to plan ...<br />
<br />Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-88434442782021513792015-09-23T20:01:00.003-07:002016-02-02T11:18:47.647-08:00The Manayunk Bike Race and the Girl in the Pink Pants<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dLdg6B4_WnE/VgNmZ90-68I/AAAAAAAAAS0/vSPQReRN7Kc/s1600/imgres.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dLdg6B4_WnE/VgNmZ90-68I/AAAAAAAAAS0/vSPQReRN7Kc/s1600/imgres.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo credit: <a href="http://orbitartonline.wordpress.com/">orbitartonline.wordpress.com/</a></td></tr>
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As far as bike races go, "The Philadelphia International Cycling Classic" is a pretty big deal. The race, a 124-mile endurance test that includes a hill so steep it was given its own plaque and designated "The Manayunk Wall," is described as "America's top international cycling classic, and one of the richest and most prestigious one day races outside of Europe." <br />
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Because a significant chunk of the race runs right through the heart of Philadelphia's Manayunk neighborhood, local residents celebrate accordingly. Scores of people gather around the course, some shoulder to shoulder in strategic spots, some sipping beers at outdoor tables of restaurants that line Main Street and some atop the decks and rooftops of houses that offer the best views. Bands are set-up in parking lots, acoustic guitarists belt out well-known cover songs outside of bars and businesses hawk their wares on sidewalks in front of their stores. And thanks to an unspoken, one-day reprieve on open container enforcement by the local police, 20-somethings tend to treat Main Street like Bourbon Street.<br />
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That's what brought me out on June 11, 2006, the lax open container enforcement. I was celebrating the fact I’d just gotten out of a year-long relationship that should’ve ended around the four-month mark -- and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. At some point during the day, a TV reporter asked my friends and me to act like we were having a great time so he could get some footage for the news. When the camera was aimed in our direction, I leaned in, flashed some crude rendering of what I assumed to be a gang sign and yelled, “Bike Race, baby!” It was something I’d regret the moment I saw the footage.<br />
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By early afternoon, even the straggling cyclists had crossed the finish line hours ago, and I was getting ready to call it a day. That's when I stumbled across Liz, a girl I'd gone to high school with. Liz was wearing bright pink pants, a "Save The Boobies" T-shirt and swigging from a bottle of Yeager. I'd always been attracted to Liz, but the feeling wasn't mutual. When asked what she thought about me back then, words like "annoying," "weenie," "punk" and "loser" were used. But that's only when pressed. If Liz had to pick just one word to describe what she thought about high-school me, I'm guessing that word would be "indifferent."<br />
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But thanks to Liz's heroic alcohol consumption that day, she didn't seem indifferent toward me. While we were talking, she'd give my forearm these completely unnecessary touches -- and she didn't only do it when her balance was faltering and she needed my weight to steady herself. Even when we were sitting on the curb passing the Yeager back and forth, the arbitrary touches continued.<br />
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By the time I asked Liz if I could buy her a drink, a drink that she wound up paying for because my credit card was declined, I'd decided it was still a bit early to call it a day. And by the time I'd finished the Red Bull and vodka Liz had been forced to buy, a tiny little voice in the back of my head had been awakened.<br />
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Initially, the voice was timid and a bit British even: <i>You know, we may want to think about taking the day off tomorrow, friend.</i> But after a few hours and several more Red Bull vodkas, when Liz made it clear that she was willing to see where this little adventure would take us next, the voice became downright belligerent. <i>F#ck that. You are NOT going in to that shithole tomorrow</i> the voice ordered me.<br />
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I never did wind up going in to that shithole the next day. For the first time in my brief career at my first "professional" job, I called in sick ... or at least I meant to, but my boss beat me to it. When my cell phone rang a few hours after I passed out, I wasn't particularly happy to be ripped out of my much-needed slumber.<br />
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“Where the hell are you?” Rick, my loud and often mercurial boss, screamed. “It’s 10:00! You’re already an hour late.”<br />
“I’m not coming to work today,” I said defiantly. “I’m taking a sick day. This job entitles us to sick time, and today I’m using one of my sick days. My stomach hurts, Rick, and I’m entitled to take a day every now and then.”<br />
“So your stomach is the problem, huh? Well why didn’t you let anyone know you weren’t coming in?” Rick asked.<br />
“That's what I'm trying to do. I just called to let you know …” I trailed off, realizing that it was Rick who had actually called me.<br />
"It doesn't matter," Rick said. "Listen, just take the day and come in here tomorrow ready to work tomorrow. Can you just do that for me?” Rick asked and hung up before I had a chance to respond.<br />
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<i>Glad that’s over with</i>, I thought before going back to bed.<br />
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<h3>
A career or ...</h3>
<br />
Rick asked to see me in his office when I arrived at work the morning.<br />
When I walked into his office, he was sitting at his desk, rifling through documents and looking important. “Have a seat,” Rick said motioning toward the chair directly across from him.<br />
“Thanks,” I said. “So you wanted to see me about something?”<br />
“I did,” Rick said. “Let me ask you something, Jared. Do you want to have a career or do you want to be a drunk college kid?”<br />
I decided it was best to answer the question honestly. “Most of the time I want to have a career, but there are times when I still want to act like a drunk college kid.”<br />
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It wasn’t the answer Rick wanted. He shook his head, massaged his temples and tried a different tact. “Is your stomach better today?” Rick asked.<br />
“Much better, thanks,” I said. “Must’ve been like a 24 hour thing. I've been eating a lot of Chinese food lately, and you never know what's going on there, so ...”<br />
Rick didn’t respond. Instead, he hit a key on his laptop, flipped the computer around so it was facing me and waited for my response. The laptop played a video from the Action News website. While Rick watched me, I watched myself on The News. There I was in broad daylight, drunk as a Kennedy, throwing out awkward gang signs and screaming, “Bike Race, Baby!”<br />
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I tried to look disappointed in myself, but I don't think I was able to conceal how cool I thought it was to see myself on The News. "Wait, can you play that again real quick?" I asked. Instead, Rick slammed shut his laptop and launched into a passionate lecture.<br />
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Had I never run into Liz at The Bike Race on June 11, 2006, I can guarantee with one hundred percent certainty that I would've dragged my ass to work on the twelfth and suffered through the agonizingly slow cycle of a hungover Monday.<br />
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But I did, and one drunken, chance encounter affected a lot more than just my job, it actually changed the entire course of my life.<br />
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Sharing a bottle of Yeager on the corner of Main and Jamestown with Liz set off a chain of events that eventually led me to where I'm at right now: A married guy with a child on way who no longer works for the mercurial boss but who's still on a strange and wonderful adventure with the girl in the pink pants.<br />
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<br />Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-49505311923245480302015-08-03T19:55:00.000-07:002015-08-03T19:58:08.114-07:004 Places My Boston Terrier Has Been That My Grandmother Hasn'tMy grandmother was the youngest of seven children. Her father fell through the outdoor bathroom and died when she was four, forcing her older siblings to drop out of school and find work so the brood could survive. Whether it was a youthful optimism or stubborn pride, my grandmother said she never felt poor as a child. But the government disagreed, and the money her brothers brought in from the coal mine (and didn't drink away) was supplemented by welfare checks. As soon as my grandmother was able, she too entered the workforce. The man she married wound up being a scumbag who decided not to support his family, so my grandmother become the sole provider. As single parent, she spent decades working long hours at Northeastern Pennsylvania factories to provide for her son and stretching her resources as far as she could. In short, my grandmother's life hasn't been easy, and she's seldom ventured far from the town in which she was born and raised: Ashely, Pennsylvania.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dXWlTfcWvM0/VcAmoiRnD4I/AAAAAAAAASI/CBy5W6dyojY/s1600/11080996_10152770235966409_6636996101845546916_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dXWlTfcWvM0/VcAmoiRnD4I/AAAAAAAAASI/CBy5W6dyojY/s320/11080996_10152770235966409_6636996101845546916_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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My Boston Terrier's experience, on the other hand, has been the exact opposite -- and she's not even two yet! Conceived lovingly and sensually in a dung-filled pen by King and Amie, Judith Weiland Bilski was the only brindle Boston in her litter of six. As a result of her unique markings, oversized ears and the fact that she's a real sweetie, my wife and I have spoiled her rotten since day one. Because we're always going places, Judith always ends up going places, too.<br />
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<h3>
Some of Judith's favorite haunts</h3>
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Here are four places Judith has been that my grandmother hasn't:<br />
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<b>1. An airplane.</b> For the price of six glasses of U.S. Airways Merlot, you can buy a ticket for your dog to fly with you provided it: A.) is under 15 pounds B.) stays in a regulation size pet carrier, and C.) sits on your lap during the flight. Because my wife and I knew our 15-pound Boston would've have any issue with sitting on our laps in her little bag for a five-hour flight, she made a trip out to San Diego to visit my sister last spring. When my grandmother heard that Judith had flown cross country, she couldn't believe it. "Judith went on an airplane!? I've never even been on an airplane!"<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gWUjASwJRV8/VcAezwiwmoI/AAAAAAAAARY/5ftkn9nEj_E/s1600/11057273_10152744809226409_2506424646895562189_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gWUjASwJRV8/VcAezwiwmoI/AAAAAAAAARY/5ftkn9nEj_E/s320/11057273_10152744809226409_2506424646895562189_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thanks for letting me have the window seat y'all!</td></tr>
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<b>2. A Mexican restaurant.</b> For more than eight decades, my grandmother's inherent distrust of the Mexican people* has prevented her from enjoying one of the most satisfying types of cuisine on this planet. Judith, however, doesn't factor race into the equation when it comes to food. For our canine, it doesn't matter if the meal was prepared by a black person, a brown person or even a vegan albino, as long as she can get the food that falls from our table down her gullet, she'll enjoy it. Because of Judith's progressive views on ethnic food, I've taken her to a number of authentic Mexican eateries that I'd never dream of bringing my grandmother. In fact, Judith had her first experience with autentica comida mexicana when she was just four months old and, as you can tell by <a href="http://www.yelp.com/biz_photos/la-chancla-norristown?select=VRTcZO934tOalkVW0Zj2VA#VRTcZO934tOalkVW0Zj2VA"><b>her Yelp review</b></a>, "Judith loves La Chancla."<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lorRAoAJgK0/Vb6X9RQ0aKI/AAAAAAAAARA/qhLrh_4w4bI/s1600/l.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lorRAoAJgK0/Vb6X9RQ0aKI/AAAAAAAAARA/qhLrh_4w4bI/s320/l.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How can you not love people who make food this good? Judith LOVES La Chancla!</td></tr>
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<b>3. A comedy club.</b> Comedy clubs are dark, cramped places where people can go to laugh and, for a few brief moments, to forget the fact that they're moving ever closer toward their own impending deaths. But my grandmother wouldn't know this because she's never had the pleasure of losing herself in the a road-grizzled headliner's signature bit about how almost shitting his pants in an Arby's parking lot led to an existential crisis -- and a helluva catch phrase ("Ka-Boom bitches! That's why Ricky always packs a spare!"). The same can't be said for Judith. This young Boston has already been to seven established comedy clubs and a handful of open mics. In fact, if Judith could talk, I'm confident she'd be able to do my entire act word for word. Though she often sleeps through entire shows, I'm sure just being around this type of environment has contributed greatly to the spot-on time of Judith's physical comedy. Because my grandmother's aging body won't allow her to stay up past 7:37 pm, she's yet to see any of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djct2xclai4" target="_blank"><b>the heartfelt material I've written about her</b></a>.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hqMIY7eGDeY/VcAh0cwRKRI/AAAAAAAAARo/28G2l46Cels/s1600/im1.shutterfly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hqMIY7eGDeY/VcAh0cwRKRI/AAAAAAAAARo/28G2l46Cels/s320/im1.shutterfly.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm at a Days Inn telling dick jokes for 9 people so, yeah, my career is going great asshole.</td></tr>
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<br />
<b>4. My wife's ultrasound. </b>When my wife and I told my grandmother that we were having a baby, Gram never even asked if she could accompany us to the initial ultrasound appointment. Judith, however, made it clear -- by charging through the door and parking herself next to the car when I went to leave -- that she wanted to be there for this important life milestone. So I loaded my dog into the same pet carrier we used to transport her across the country and strolled right into the doctor's office without anyone batting an eye. Normally Judith's bag acts as a sedative. Much like a bird the moment a cover is placed over its cage, Judith shuts it down as soon as we zip up her portable travel quarters. At least most of the time she does. But during the ultrasound she made a low, lonely wailing noise that was loud enough to cause the doctor to look at me. Without many options, I smiled, patted my stomach and shrugged. Had my grandmother been there, not only would she have experienced the miracle of her great grandchild's heartbeat, she could've also served as a great distraction. After all, doctors expect aging bodies to make all type of strange, concerning sounds.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qAbcTjb2dyA/VcAkQqW2dBI/AAAAAAAAAR4/GO9z18wNvP8/s1600/im1.shutterfly-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qAbcTjb2dyA/VcAkQqW2dBI/AAAAAAAAAR4/GO9z18wNvP8/s320/im1.shutterfly-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If I don't like the baby, we can get rid of it though, right?</td></tr>
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* My grandmother doesn't really distrust Mexican people, just the effects of their food on her body.Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-3204515998525792972015-06-23T20:26:00.002-07:002015-12-31T07:06:57.724-08:00Italy Through the Eyes of an Ignorant Comedian: Introduction<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8fLftbmJ4Ng/VYoeuQOTWfI/AAAAAAAAAP0/rqXA507tgYA/s1600/im1.shutterfly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8fLftbmJ4Ng/VYoeuQOTWfI/AAAAAAAAAP0/rqXA507tgYA/s320/im1.shutterfly.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So exhilarating to stand in the very same building where that kick-ass Russell Crowe movie was made.</td></tr>
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Over the course of 12 long, exhausting and amazing days, I had the opportunity to see Italy for the first time. My wife and I crammed in stops at Venice, The Cinque Terre (Riomaggiore, Manarola, Corniglia, Vernazza and Monterosso), Pisa, Florence (with a Tuscan wine tour a few miles outside of the city), Rome, Pompeii, the Amalfi Coast (Sorrento, Positano and Ravello) and Naples. While you really should allow at least a month for a trip like that, we didn't have the time. My wife has burn victims to treat, and I have a daunting backlog of prank emails to send.<br />
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Instead of basking in the beauty of our foreign locale, we trained, bused, boated, walked, ran and climbed at a frantic pace, stopping only for essential three-hour, multi-course meals. From the crack of dawn (8 or 9 am) until well after midnight (11:30 pm at the latest), we saw as much as we possibly could at each and every place we stopped. Plus, thanks to <a href="https://www.ricksteves.com/"><b>Rick Steves</b></a>, the European travel guru and owner of what my wife calls "boyish good looks," we did everything very efficiently.<br />
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I'm going to be documenting every stop of the Italy trip over the next few weeks, but first here are some general thoughts on a country Rick Steves says offers "Europe's richest, craziest culture."<br />
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<h3>
Italy feels like many extremely different countries</h3>
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While I regret not being able to wander around a bunch of European countries, I'm glad we settled on Italy as our one European destination. From the surreal labyrinth of interconnected canals and narrows
streets of the "City on Water" in Venice to the dominant background of the modern
world's first dome -- The Duomo -- in Florence to the exposed ancient ruins
of The Forum in Rome, Italy is rich in unmatched historical beauty. The stark differences in the scenery, food, culture and people from place to place made it feel like I needed to get my passport stamped at each stop. Sure, our country has some plenty of contrast but, with all the chain restaurants and Walmarts in proximity to practically everything, it all still feels like America ... except for maybe Texas. </div>
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Italy just feels disjointed, and it has its reasons. For one thing, it's new -- even compared to this place. Italy didn't even become a unified "country" until the mid-1800s. Prior to the unification, Italy was a hodge podge of city-states just trying to do their own thing and avoid being conquered. And if you want to go even further back, Italy was basically Rome or the Roman Empire, one of if not the single most powerful empire in the history of the world. Of course, Rome essentially fell because of its penchant for orgies and primitive selfie sticks. Mix in an artistic, cultural and scientific Renaissance period we haven't seen the likes of since, a god-awful plague, an interesting relationship with Christianity and Catholicism, and religious devotion to a proper meal, and you have yourself a very memorable country. Where did I learn all that? St. Paul's Catholic School in Norristown, PA? No, from the man who gave us the 80 euro 30-minute gondola ride.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I thought the middle-aged Asian man with the self stick in front of me would make for the better photo.</td></tr>
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Italians defy the aging process -- or the American idea of it</h3>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">To save money, I'd finish the uneaten crustaceans that tourists left on their plates.</td></tr>
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Because Italy is renowned for its world-class cuisine, I was expecting a country filled with people resembling that obese pizza chef cartoon, waddling through the streets and stopping every few steps to catch their breath. But the lack of fat people in Italy is staggering -- or the lack of fat Italian people in Italy is staggering, anyway. There were plenty of fat Americans everywhere. There were even some fat Germans, fat Asians and fat people of ambiguous ethnicity, too. The native Italians, on the other hand, were all slim, trim and remarkably nimble (the middle-aged guide of our Florence bike tour effortlessly navigated the hills of the city in skinny jeans). I've been told there's no escaping the saggy, beer-belly body that virtually every middle-aged American man morphs into eventually, but the Italians convinced me this doesn't have to be the case. If I want to stay fit, all I have to do is walk everywhere and maintain a diet that consists of a cappuccino for breakfast, a large lunch and light dinner, and between 34-75 cigarettes per day.<br />
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That's the other thing about Italians. They LOVE their hand-rolled cigarettes with a fierce, unbridled passion. In Venice, I saw an older man with a baby in his outstretched arms and a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth. When he puffed on the cigarette, the smoke would float right to the baby, instantly causing the future smoker to brighten to a pure and radiant smile.<br />
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If you could see the pure joy on this baby's face when the delicious, unfiltered tobacco hit his little nostrils, you'd probably be hard-pressed to believe anything bad ever happened to a person just because of cigarettes. I was so moved by the sight of this that I got out my phrase book and asked the old man, in perfect Italian, if I could please blow smoke at the baby, too. The man obliged, and I took the baby and one of the man's cigarettes and went to work. There I was, more than 5,000 miles from home in some crowded alley in Venice, partaking in the time-honored Italian tradition of blowing smoke in the face of a baby -- <i>Fumatori il bambino</i> -- and thinking to myself, "This is it. This is the real Italy I'm experiencing right here."<br />
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Anyway, if you love cigarettes, then Italy is the place for you. Italians are always smoking -- and they're doing it everywhere. For locals, every task seemed to require a new cigarette, and finishing a meal without a smoke break was the exception. Most restaurants would ask if we wanted to have a cigarette before looking at the dessert menu. While there are "rules" about not smoking in certain areas, those rules have plenty of wiggle room. For example, you're not allowed to smoke on a moving trains. However, you are allowed to smoke on a train during the 10 minutes or so that the passengers are boarding because, smoking in the middle of a train with its doors open is basically the same as smoking outside.<br />
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<h3>
Italy isn't for germaphobes </h3>
If you're one of those people who needs to use Purrell before, during and after everything you do, then Italy probably isn't for you. The whole fear of germs thing hasn't really caught on over there. My wife was constantly talking about how nobody washed their hands after using the bathroom, and there certainly weren't any of those ubiquitous signs you see over here about what employees must do after a trip to toilet.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QxMCpaU5zpM/VYognTpFhaI/AAAAAAAAAQc/FiQIBOkUQDg/s1600/im1.shutterfly-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QxMCpaU5zpM/VYognTpFhaI/AAAAAAAAAQc/FiQIBOkUQDg/s320/im1.shutterfly-3.jpg" width="232" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wish I can tell you that I didn't pee in the one on the left when I was drunk.</td></tr>
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For the record, I don't think Italians are any more disgusting than us. I just think they're more free about their bad habits. I actually saw two men engaged in a lively conversation when one of men brought his hand to his nose and started digging ferociously in his nostril without breaking eye contact with his conversation partner. When the nose-picker got what he wanted, he simply brought his hand down and wiped mess off on his pants. The other man didn't show any type of reaction, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary about the pickers' actions.<br />
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Maybe it's a cultural thing. Maybe unlike over here, picking your nose isn't something you need to hide or be ashamed of. Italians may be a bit lax about the cleanliness of their hands, but they're meticulous about their assholes. The number of bidets in Italy is impressive. I saw a bidet at a fancy (i.e., pay) train station restroom and thought, "Who decides, 'Well, I've got 10 minutes to kill until the next train arrives, so I may as well give the old starfish the once over ..." Who knows, the Italians may be doing it just right. Maybe if we all spent a little bit more time worrying about the state of our buttholes, we wouldn't be so afraid of the germs that come in contact with our hands.<br />
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Those are my first impressions of Italy and its people. Now it's time to get into the specific places I visited. First stop: Venice.<br />
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Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-87444335040821644752015-05-26T20:15:00.000-07:002015-05-26T20:15:27.624-07:00The Obligatory Proposal Story: Part 2If you read Part 1 of this series, you already know how I actually proposed to my current wife, Liz. If you haven't read that part, <a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-obligatory-proposal-story-part-1.html" target="_blank"><b>go here</b></a> and take a minute to do so. As I mentioned in the previous engagement-story post, my tale was lacking a number of the critical elements included in all the epic proposal stories that wind up on sites like <a href="http://howheasked.com/"><b><i>HowHeAsked.com</i></b></a> or <a href="http://failedprosals.com/"><b><i>failedprosals.com</i></b></a>.<br />
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What the real story lacked was a sense of adventure and danger.<br />
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Luckily, like many things that happen to me, just because the story took place a certain way, it doesn't necessarily that's the version people are going to hear. What's the fun in that? After all, I'm a part-time entertainer or a full-time pathological liar, both of which are essentially the same. <br />
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So when the kind woman who was so instrumental in designing my wife's engagement ring emailed me about the proposal, I took a few liberties with the truth. What follows is the story I sent her via email. I've X'ed out her name and email as well as the name of the company, out of respect for her and her employer. I doubt she'd want to be associated with Valium Vickie, anyway.<br />
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How he should've asked </h3>
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<b id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6465" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6464" style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: x-small;"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6463" style="font-size: 10pt;">From:</span></span></b><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6469" style="background-color: white; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 13px;"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6468" style="font-size: 10pt;"> jared bilski [mailto:jrdbilski@yahoo.com] <br clear="none" /><b id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6467"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6466">Sent:</span></b> Tuesday, August 27, 2013 10:25 AM<br clear="none" /><b id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6471"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6470">To:</span></b> XXXXXXXXXX<br clear="none" /><b>Subject:</b> Re: jared bilski shipping 123456789</span></span></div>
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Hi <b>XXXXXXX</b>!<br />
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So I'll be sending a few pics over shortly, but first the story. </div>
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Quick intro: To say my fiance and I are unusual would be an understatement (I tried to sound completely professional -- i.e., normal -- during our correspondence, did it work?). So our engagement story is a little out there -- and it reflects the quirkiness of our relationship. </div>
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Let me know if it's "appropriate" before I go ahead and post it on <b>GENERIC JEWELRY COMPANY'S</b> Facebook page. Enjoy!</div>
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Once I got my <b>GENERIC JEWELRY COMPANY'S</b> setting, I went right to the family jeweler. Vito the Bear (a pet name my Aunt gave this iconic jeweler) put a rock that has been in our family for generations into your custom-made wedding band. Then it was up to me to seal the deal.<br />
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<b>XXXXXX</b>, I've always had a flare for the dramatic. In fact, I met my finance while I was traveling the country as the host of a Gothic burlesque show. I learned more than a few tricks during my time in the world of Burlesque, and I knew my proposal had to include at least some elements of suspense.</div>
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So I rang my old friend "Bird" and asked for a favor. I went to school with "Bird" (aka Warren Lichenstein III), and I was selfishly hoping he hadn't grown up. Luckily for me, Bird hadn't. When I knew Warren in college, he was a low-stakes pot dealer. Since then, he's graduated to Adderall, which he sells on a much larger scale. I told Bird that I needed his help and that I needed it to look legit, and he was more than happy to oblige. Here’s what went down:</div>
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Liz and I had made plans to see Scorpion Red Eye that night, a local speed-metal outfit with a touch of misogynistic-existentialism. But I had something else in store for her. As soon as we stepped out of our front door, a van came roaring up our driveway. It screeched to a stop right in front of my Camry, blocking any chance of escape.</div>
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Out stepped a man donning a black ski-mask and brandishing a handgun. He pointed the gun in our direction and ordered us to get down on our knees. The man, who my girlfriend assumed to be a legitimate criminal but I knew to be a dear old friend, bound our hands and placed a blindfold over our eyes.<br />
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I know what you’re thinking: Didn’t your neighbors notice? Luckily for me, it was dark out. You see, <b>XXXXXXX</b>, most of my neighbors are elderly individuals who are quietly biding their time until my man Charon comes by to take them on that one-way trip across the River Styx if you know what I’m saying. I’m sure these people were inside watching the Wheel (Wheel of Fortune) or taking their fifth nap of the day. But I digress.</div>
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In the car, I could hear my girlfriend whimpering softy beside me, and I almost broke down and told her what was really happening. But I’d already come this far, hadn’t I? Anyway, Bird was instructed to bring me to the roof of a friend’s luxury apartment building where I had painstakingly laid out all the essentials for private romantic dinner. No big deal.</div>
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For the most part, things went right according to plan … except for one minor hiccup. During our planning, I’d given Bird permission to improvise if necessary. When we’d climbed the 23 flights of stairs in the fire escape and arrived at our destination, Bird thought it was necessary to go “off script.” So when I said, “Whatever you do, please don’t hurt her,” Bird promptly pistol-whipped me across the mouth, which resulted in the loss of one tooth and the loosening of two others.</div>
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I was bleeding heavily after the blow, but nothing was going to stop me from proposing to the woman who once told me she could be happy to spend the rest of her life traveling from town to town watching me infuse Gothic burlesque shows with my manic energy. So I snapped my fingers three times, which was Bird’s cue to untie us. Then I got down on one knee, spit out the aforementioned tooth and, with a stream of blood cascading from the spout of my mouth like a crimson waterfall, I asked Liz to marry me.</div>
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Liz’s first words were a type of incomprehensible babble because she was both sobbing and trembling heavily, which was most likely due to happiness and a bit of shock; her next words were, Of course; but the third thing she said was, My God, this ring is perfect. And that’s all you (and <b>GENERIC JEWELRY COMPANY'S</b>), <b>XXXXXX</b>. I won’t bore you with the rest of the details, but we did finish dinner in time to catch the end of Scorpion Red Eye’s set, and the band even dedicated their cult hit “Reverse Birth” to their “newly engaged friends.” <b>XXXXX</b> (and the entire <b>GENERIC JEWELRY COMPANY</b> team) words can’t even express how grateful I am to you for the role you played in our engagement process.</div>
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One Satisfied and Newly Engaged Customer!<br />
Jared Bilski</div>
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P.S. Pictures to come shortly!!</div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
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<b id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6465" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6464" style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: x-small;"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6463" style="font-size: 10pt;">From:</span></span></b><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6469" style="background-color: white; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 13px;"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6468" style="font-size: 10pt;"> XXXXXXXXXXXXXX<br clear="none" /><b id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6467"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6466">Sent:</span></b> Tuesday, August 27, 2013 <br clear="none" /><b id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6471"><span id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432694830518_6470">To:</span></b> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 13.3333330154419px;">jared bilski [mailto:jrdbilski@yahoo.com]</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Hey Jared,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes, yes I did receive your email…apologies, it’s been a bit
crazy around here! <i>[<b><u>Emailer's Note</u></b>: I sent the email multiple times to ensure a response.]</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think you take the cake for the craziest proposal story
I’ve heard! I shared it with some of my fellow designers and they
agreed…though most of them couldn’t believe how well Liz responded! I
think it would be fine to post the shortened, tamer version of the story on our
facebook page. I think this highlights the creativity and unique nature
of our client base, but I don’t know if the WHOLE story will work for the
internet masses, if you know what I mean ;) I personally think the full
story is awesome, but I’m a bit more of an oddball than most!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That being said, I trust your word smith skills can craft a
snappy post suitable for a wider audience I hope that is helpful; let
me know if you need anything else! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Best Regards,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>XXXXXXXX</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>GENERIC JEWELRY COMPANY</b> │ <b>DESIGNER</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtOXxH6KVX4"><b>www.GenericJewelryCompany.com</b></a>
</div>
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……………………………………………………………………… </div>
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<br /></div>
Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-42574663301686071562015-04-26T08:48:00.000-07:002015-04-26T08:49:20.470-07:0011 Things That Got Me Through The Most Difficult Valentine's Day Of My LifeIf you're reading this right now because you were hoping to enjoy a nice uplifting tale about the tactics one brave, heartbroken man used to get through the first Valentine's Day following the untimely -- not to mention gruesome -- death of his wife and soul mate, well, I'm afraid you'll be terribly disappointed with this post. I'm sorry to have deceived you, but it's good to know that sentimental click-bait headlines do work as advertised.<br />
<br />
My first Valentine's Day as a married man was supposed to be spent telling tasteless jokes <b><a href="http://t2a0utahwpg/" target="_blank">like these</a></b> to a bunch of strangers at a sold out fundraiser event. Unfortunately, weather concerns led to the event being canceled. That left me with a choice. I could either:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>A.) scramble to pick up another spot <b><a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2010/11/comedy-gone-bad-story-when-i-first.html" target="_blank">at a comedy club</a></b> to fill my insatiable need for approval and acceptance from people I probably wouldn't like if I got to know them, or</li>
<li> B.) put together a romantic dinner to surprise the wife who was expecting to come home to an empty house after a 12-hour shift caring for burn victims. </li>
</ul>
I chose the latter. <br />
<br />
For dinner, I prepared a lemon-seasoned chicken breast topped with a caramelized onions, Monterey Jack cheese and strips of greasy bacon; tomato basil couscous; and a huge Caesar salad. This sounds like a good husband adjusting extremely well to his newly married life, right? On the surface, I guess that's true. But in between preparing an artery-clogging masterpiece for my own true love, I was furiously firing off break-up texts to random phone numbers.<br />
<br />
<h3>
The White Knight</h3>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I hit a home run with the first random text I put out there. Not only did this righteous man respond to my ridiculous message, he -- or possibly she, but I think it's a he -- also felt compelled to engage in a conversation and criticize my actions. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<h3>
</h3>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<h3>
</h3>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XP2D6PaqnBY/VTlQmuMc6nI/AAAAAAAAAPQ/g6zHyVp3-CA/s1600/Vday3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XP2D6PaqnBY/VTlQmuMc6nI/AAAAAAAAAPQ/g6zHyVp3-CA/s1600/Vday3.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
<h3>
</h3>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1WKhd0RGVNA/VTlQ6BMhFdI/AAAAAAAAAPY/GVTtn_qTabw/s1600/Vday4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1WKhd0RGVNA/VTlQ6BMhFdI/AAAAAAAAAPY/GVTtn_qTabw/s1600/Vday4.JPG" height="278" width="400" /></a></div>
<h3>
</h3>
<h3>
'Good luck with whatever your going through'</h3>
<br />
Of course, not all of my random texts were successful. I probably sent more than a dozen messages without getting any type of a response from the random number. Many of these messages were the "I hate to do this is this way but ..." intro that got the white knight to bite. But I did try a few variations, such as:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><i>I just can't do this any more ... I can't pretend that everything is ok just because it's fuckin Valentine's Day.</i></li>
<li><i>Happy Valentine's Day baby! Guess what I know all about Steven the
Twink! So you can just cut the shit about working late. I'm gonna make
your life miserable you lying piece of shit.</i></li>
<li><i>Happy Valentine's Day ... It's not your baby! How does that feel you lying piece of shit!?</i></li>
</ul>
And here are some of the other brief interactions I had with random numbers:<br />
<i> </i><br />
<i><b>Me:</b> I hate to do this in this way but I think we both know this is going nowhere. It's over ... I'll cancel the reservations. I hope you didn't get me anything, cause I didn't ...<br /><b>Random Number (RN):</b> What<br /><b>Me: </b>Please don't make this difficult ... Neither of us has been faithful</i><br />
<i><b>RN:</b> I think you have the wrong number ...</i><br />
<i><b>Me:</b> Oh Jesus Christ ... I'm so sorry I knew I should've just called her<br /><b>Me:</b> Hope you're having a better Valentine's Day than me.</i><br />
<i><b>RN: </b>No problem ... Good luck with whatever you're going through</i><br />
<i><b>Me:</b> Thanks man! I gotta stop dating hos and find a girl I can introduce to my mom</i><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>CONVERSATION ENDS </b></div>
<br />
<i><b>Me</b>: I hate to do this in this way but I think we both know this is going
nowhere. It's over ... I'll cancel the reservations. I hope you didn't
get me anything, cause I didn't ...<br /><b>Random Number (RN):</b> Who is this?<br /><b>RN:</b> ??</i><br />
<i><b>Me:</b> Please just be an adult ... Neither of us have been faithful</i><br />
<i><b>RN:</b> Listen I think you have the wrong number</i><br />
<i><b>Me:</b> Wait ... shit!</i><br />
<i><b>RN:</b> Yeah .....</i><br />
<i><b>Me:</b> So sorry ... I took some MDMA happy valentine's to me</i><br />
<i><b>RN:</b> K</i><br />
<i><b>Me:</b> Hope you had a better day than me bro ... My fucking arm is numb</i><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>CONVERSATION ENDS </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><b>Me:</b> I hate to do this in this way but I think we both know this is going
nowhere. It's over ... I'll cancel the reservations. I hope you didn't
get me anything, cause I didn't ...<b><br />Random Number (RN): </b>Who is this?<b> </b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><b>Me: </b>What?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><b>Me: </b>You mean that philosophically ... Like who is this person?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>CONVERSATION ENDS </b></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-20748984113617352362015-03-30T20:23:00.000-07:002015-03-30T20:24:01.346-07:00Melatonin: It's Natural, So It Can't Be Bad For Me ... Right?When asked about their extreme schedules and lack of sleep, motivated, type-A people tend to say "I'll sleep when I'm dead!" That statement has always bothered me. "I'll sleep when I'm dead" How can you be so sure? What if you can't sleep at all when you're dead? What if when you're dead, you're just dead? Or, worse yet, what if when you die, some foreman/general/afterlife liaison immediately approaches you and says, "Hope you got enough sleep on earth, because you've got a lot of work to do, and we don't do the whole sleep thing here ..."?<br />
<br />
The point is, people don't know what happens when you die. If people actually knew with 100% accuracy that you could indeed sleep when you're dead, I think two things would happen:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>A lot more insomniacs would commit suicide, and </li>
<li>People would be a lot more understanding about suicide. </li>
</ol>
When people heard about a friend taking his own life they'd say things like, "Makes sense, Steve looked like he could really use some sleep."<br />
<br />
While we're on the subject, here's something that really bothers me: Suicide notes. Isn't this final message important enough to warrant being called a suicide letter? Note sounds like some origami-type thing that high-school girls pass to one another. Like the person who discovers the body is going to find a neatly folded triangle of notebook paper that asks the reader to check the appropriate box: "Did you notice any of the warning signs?"<br />
<b>Yes No Maybe</b><br />
<br />
As someone who's had trouble sleeping since high school, I will never take sleep for granted. I'll never subscribe to the I'll-sleep-when-I'm-dead mindset because I value sleep more than virtually any of the activities I do when I'm awake. There's actually a brief moment right before I fall asleep at night where I consciously think, "It's going to happen now; I'm going to fall asleep!" That instant right before drifting off into unconsciousness is more enjoyable to me than sex or drugs or sushi or anything else I can think of, probably because it's been so inconsistent for such a long time. If heaven actually exists, I imagine it has to be something like that pre-sleep recognition moment.<br />
<br />
In Catholic school, my teachers always used getting left out of heaven to scare us kids into following Catholicism's long, detailed set of seemingly meaningless rules -- Go to church every Sunday, never take the Lord's name in vain (e.g., "Jesus Christ" or "Goddammit" or "Jesus H. Fucking Christfucker FUCK!"*), don't eat meat during Lent, don't use birth control even if you're super fertile and the only chance you have of taking care of all of the kids you shit out is by landing a reality show about you having a football team worth of kids because your religion won't let you use birth control, etc.<br />
<br />
Heaven was always sold as a place where you were reunited with all of your dead family and loved ones for all of eternity. That sounds nice and all, but it was never quite enough to convince me that following all those ridiculous rules was worth it in the end. Now if I'd been told heaven was like that moment right before you realize you're about to fall asleep, well, then, it may have been a different story. Instead of spending my Sundays wandering through WaWas hungover, I may have strung together a Ripkenesque streak of Sabbath masses by now. Instead of using "Jesus Christ" as my go-to expression of anger, incredulity, joy, surprise and disappointment, I may have rushed to confession every time I uttered those words in a non-reverent way.<br />
<br />
The truth is, I consider sleep more sacred than any aspect of the Catholic faith. If sleep is my religion, then Melatonin is my savior ... but I'll get to that in a second.. As I mentioned earlier in this post, I've had varying degrees of Insomnia (both not being to fall asleep and waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall back to sleep) for the better part of my teenage and adult life.<br />
<br />
<h3>
What didn't work </h3>
Starting in high school, I've experimented with a number of sleep-inducing remedies including, but not limited to:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><b>Tylenol PM</b>: Monday through Friday for about two semesters -- worked until I built up a pretty ridiculous tolerance.</li>
<li><b>Ambien</b>: Prescribed to me during my sophomore year of college. I'd take a pill, pick out a short story from the Norton Anthology and, within 15 minutes, I wouldn't be able to tell if I was asleep and dreaming or really zoned in on the story. Ambien is beautiful product, but it's just a bit pricey.</li>
<li><b>Lunesta</b>: What can I say about <b><a href="http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7Vyb/lunesta-butterfly" target="_blank">the butterfly pill</a></b>. Lunesta is to getting sleep what Coors Light is to getting drunk. It can do the job, but it takes massive quantities to get it done.</li>
<li><b>Caffeine reduction, deep breathing exercises and consistent pre-sleep routine</b>: BORING. Actually, I gave this an honest try, and it just didn't work for me.</li>
<li><b>Clonazepam</b>: During my junior year of college, I was prescribed a small dosage of this anti-anxiety drug in the morning and a larger dose at night. Penn State has this free, public transportation system called The Loop. True to it's name, The Loop circles the campus all day and a good chunk of the night. The first morning I took this drug, I became so non-anxious I passed out before I reached my stop. Conservatively, I did six loops on The Loop before I came to. By then, I'd already missed the class. I didn't take clonazepam for very long.</li>
<li><b>A little Bourbon right before bed</b>: A short-lived exercise I tried Junior year of high school until my dad noticed the missing whiskey. </li>
<li><b>OTC sleeping pills</b>: If Lunesta is the Coors Light of sleep aides, then over-the-counter pills are the Malt Liquor. Sure, you'll get some sleep, but you'll feel so shitty the next morning you'd may as well have gotten none at all.</li>
<li><b>A brainwave-altering CD</b>: It was a series of sounds set to some frequency that was supposed to alter your brainwaves until you drifted off into a peaceful sleep. What is actually did: Made me lie around like an asshole for a half hour going, "Wait, I think I can feel that ..." until I finally gave up. It reminded me a lot of the time Vance (name change) bought some fake mushrooms and sat in a park for an hour and a half smoking cigarettes and asking each other if we felt anything yet.</li>
<li><b>Benadryl</b>: Works pretty well on its own, but works even better with wine.</li>
<li><b>Red wine</b>: I love this sleep aide, but getting the dosage right can be tricky. Too much can have the opposite effect. Just a few too many ounces of this Dionysian elixir can mean the difference between an early, restful night and the decision to have another three or four glasses and watch Stone Temple Pilots' YouTube clips well into the morning hours.</li>
<li><b>Trazodone</b>: Technically, trazodone is an anti-depressant, but in many cases, doctors prescribe it as a sleep-aide for geriatrics. Unfortunately, it didn't work as prescribed for a 26-year-old me.</li>
</ol>
<h3>
My sleep savior</h3>
The search for the perfect sleep aide seemed hopeless, but then along came Melatonin. I didn't discover this beautiful product until my late twenties. I won't bore you people with the complex details of the staggering amounts of information I've amassed from reputable medical sources like Wikipedia, labels of Melatonin bottles and insomnia sufferer messaging sites (like Tinder, but with the objective being sleep), but here's the gist: Melatonin is hormone that animals (like humans and dogs and vegans) manufacture to control sleep and wake cycles. The greater the amount of melatonin your body produces, the easier it is to fall asleep and stay that way.<br />
<br />
A creature like Judith Weiland, my Boston Terrier, must produce an inordinate amount of melatonin because I've actually seen her fall asleep while taking a shit. A person like me, on the other hand, has so much trouble producing this hormone that I have to regularly purchase the 'All Natural' pill version that is sold in any grocery store or pharmacy. As you get older, you generally produce less melatonin. So I'm guessing my melatonin production will be virtually nonexistent by the time I hit 65. It's just as well. That gives me yet another reason to start shooting heroin the moment AARP begins mailing information to me. I've always said I can't wait until I'm old enough to use the senior-citizen discount for a Fish-a-majig sandwich at Friendly's -- and to do heroin.<br />
<br />
For right now, though, I have to sleep -- and that's where my melatonin ritual comes in. Virtually every night, I'll take a "natural" pill, climb into bed, read a few pages of some book and wait for that heavenly recognition of sleep to flood my body. This has been the most consistent and effective sleep routine I've had since before the problems started more than a decade ago. Is it healthy? I'm not so sure. I've heard a lot about the virtues of melatonin -- it's safe, natural, non-habit-forming chemical that your own body actually produces! That may be true, but I can also buy it at Acme -- and I don't believe anything in that store is completely natural.<br />
<br />
Plus, natural or not, I'm way too dependent on this product. It may claim to be non-habit-forming, but there have been plenty of late nights I've spent frantically rummaging around my house for melatonin screaming, "Liz! Where are the mels*? Where are my goddamn mels?!" I've even run out in the middle of the night to score a new bottle of mels when these searches proved fruitless. Nothing seems safe or natural or healthy about a grown man in pajamas rushing out to a 24-hour grocery store at three in the morning and walking up to the supplement aisle with the same look of relief as an addict who sees his dealer approaching moments before withdrawal symptoms kick in. But it's better than any of the alternatives I've tried so, as long as this ritual keeps allowing me to sleep as much as possible before I'm dead, I'll keep riding this thing out.<br />
<br />
<i>*Mels are how we refer to the Melatonin in the Bilski household.</i><br />
<br />Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-32435253881119904172015-02-09T19:16:00.000-08:002015-12-31T10:12:26.892-08:00Transcript of my chat with a unique flask company<div class="tagLine">
I'm a lucky guy. My wife doesn't expect me to spend money I don't have on fancy, shiny, unnecessary expensive gifts. In fact, her favorite Christmas present this year was a flask. Granted, the flask I gave her wasn't the standard silver thing guys give to their groomsman as a token of appreciation for being in the wedding. This flask specifically designed to avoid detection in any situation. How? On the surface, this alcohol receptacle looks exactly like an ordinary tube of sunscreen. Thanks to this clever device, my wife can avoid paying outrageous prices for captain and gingers at upscale bars, sporting events and rest assured knowing she'll never have to endure another tedious jury duty session completely sober.<br />
<br />
When I thought this Christmas gift wasn't going to arrive in time for our gift exchange, I took to the company's useful chat feature. Below is a word-for-word transcript of the conversation:<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Get live personalized customer service</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="webchat_text" style="background-color: #dddddd; width: 100%px;"><tbody>
<tr>
<td colspan="100%" height="10" style="background-color: #dddddd;"><br /></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td align="center" colspan="2" style="text-align: left;" valign="top"><div class="webchat_history" id="history" name="history">
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] Welcome to ATG Stores. How can I help you?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Last Page Visited: <br /><br />Hey how are you?
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] I placed an order yesterday
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] Can I have the order number please?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Are you there, Ven?
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] #XXXXXXXX
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] Yes , I am here </span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] I will look up your order </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] I kind of have an emergency
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] I have the order up now and how can I help you ?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Well, here's the thing. When I ordered I accidentally hit 2-day shipping
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] By the way, is that your pic in the right corner or is that a stock photo?<br /><b><i>(Note: Regarding the above question, I was referring to a stock photo of a customer service representative that appeared with the Chat function.)</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] So here's why it's an issue
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] U there?
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] I see , I can see if I can change
the shipping and refund the expedited charge. No that is not my photo ,
I am much better looking :-) </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Hahaha ... Good to know
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] Would you like me to change the shipping method if possible ?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] No I actually meant to hit next day shipping, but I have a question
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] Ok , what is the question?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] When do you think I'll receive the flask
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] One moment </span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] You should receive the item by Friday </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Oh, that's what I was worried about ...
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Can I be real with you for a moment
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] ?
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Please don't judge me, OK, Val?
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] I can see if we can upgrade to next day shipping for you </span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] Would you like me to do that and follow up with you ?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Wait ... just wait on that for one sec. How much will that run me?
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Can I just explain the situation?
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] It looks like the charge for next day shipping is $20.34 altogether and you have already paid $11.62</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] Yes Sir , what is the situation?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] OK, OK... here's what's going on, just bear with me:
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] I ordered the flask because
I'm going to a concert on Christmas .... it's a completely dry concert
-- No booze, not even wine or shots
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] See, I'm an atheist; organized religion makes me ill. But I met this girl ...
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] And she asked me to go with her. She very Christian.
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] She's I mean. I also know
Christian women tend to be anything but if you humor them, and go to
their little events. But the thought of sitting through a 3-hour
Christian Rock show without booze, is disheartening to say the least ...
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Are you still with me, V?
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] ?
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] I cannot advise either way . I
can only advise that the order as it stands now should be delivered on
Friday as Fed Ex does not operate on Christmas. I can see if there is
anyway to expedite the delivery to have the item received by tomorrow . I
would need to do this before the item ships this morning .</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared
Bilski] Oh this is a tough call, V. Money's tight, you know? And I do
have a few leftover Vicodins from a recent Triathlon injury. That should
get me through the concert, but what if I can't perform that night
because of the pills?
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] If you were in my situation, V, what would you do?
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] ?
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Are you looking something up or serving multiple customers?
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] I am sorry Jared I cannot advise you either way . </span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] The Christmas concert sounds like a wonderful event </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] But sober?
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] Yes sir . </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Maybe, you're right ....
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] It may be odd with sunscreen flasks at a winter Christmas concert </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] V, I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone before OK ...
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] The flasks are very neat though </span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] Will the delivery date as it is now work for you ?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] I NEED this Christmas concert to work for me. It's been a full year since I've been with a women.
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Last year, around Christmas I walked in on my Ex
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] She was in full coitus with Giuseppe "Gyp Bada-Bing" Rosetti, a semi-famous New Jersey EDM DJ
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] You've heard of "Gyp Bada-Bing" Rosetti, I'm guessing, right V?
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] I am sorry Jared, I do need to confirm how you would like me to take care of the order. </span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] Please let me know what you would like me to do .</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Yes, I'm working my way toward that. PLEASE be patient
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] You're the only person I've ever told that story too
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] My parents till think my Ex left because she got a job on the West Coast
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] You've heard of "Gyp Bada-Bing" Rosetti, haven't you, V?
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] Our chats are monitored sir and I cannot help you with the other questions. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared
Bilski] I understand that, V. But monitoring should affect you letting
me know if you've ever heard of "Gyp Bada-Bing" Rosetti
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] I have not , </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] It's just like me asking you, "What do you think of this weather?"
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Are you just saying that, V?
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Nevermind, I'll believe you ... even if you're only saying that to make me feel better.
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Anyway, I think I've made my decision
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] Great , what would you like me to do with the order shipping arrangement please?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared
Bilski] You convinced my that I'd be better off to go to the Christmas
Concert without the flask ... that the Vicodain should be enough
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] I will leave the order as it is
and you will be emailed with the tracking and carrier information once
the item has shipped. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] I
REALLY just needed to talk this out with someone. And you're right, V,
Vicodan shouldn't affect my performance if I'm truly into this woman --
and, of course, provided I don't overdue it
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] overdo (Freudian slip)
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] I can't thank you enough ... These people are lucky to have you?
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] What are you doing for the Holidays, V?
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Can you do one last thing for me?
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] You are welcome, thank you for
chatting in and for the very interesting chat . I will be enjoying
Christmas with my family . Can I help you with anything else today ?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Can you just say: "The Christmas Concert Will Be Better Than You Ever Imagined"
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] We wish you well and a Merry Christmas. Hope you have a great Holiday </span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] I must disconnect our chat now if that is all I can assist you with today for your order. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] WAIT
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Can you just say this:
%u017Byczymy weso%u0142ych %u015Awi%u0105t Bo%u017Cego Narodzenia i
dobrze. Mamy nadziej%u0119, %u017Ce jeste%u015B wielkim
%u015Bwi%u0119tem
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] It's what you just said in Polish
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] Oops, sorry that's a message for the rep in the other chat that I'm having
</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">[Venessa] Have a great day Jared! Thank you for shopping with ATG Stores. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] You too, V! You've given me the confidence to get laid with just Vicodan and not booze!
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] I'll never forget that
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">[Jared Bilski] So how do we end this thing? This is starting to get a little awkward, V?
</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">The Agent has left the conversation.</span></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-12320446960411443012015-01-17T14:16:00.001-08:002015-01-17T14:16:12.079-08:00The Top 5 Valiums of 2014<br />
On a personal level, 2014 was one of the most exciting years of my life. I got married; went on a honeymoon to Hawaii; bought a new puppy; got an airline credit card and learned about the insidious and addicting world of Miles-hunting; found God, lost him, found him again only to discover "he" was actually a "she," which was cool at first but ultimately caused me to abandon the omnipotent deity because of my inherent misogyny and deep-seated insecurities; and secretly recorded my wife while she was watching "Wheel of Fortune" (Blog post coming).<br />
<br />
Despite all that was going on in my personal life, I somehow found a way to update this thing on a sporadic and infrequent basis. Why did I do it? Why did I take on the monumental burden of sitting alone at my laptop (Dell during the early part of 2014, MacBookPro June through now) and forcing myself to churn out what amounted to nearly a post per month (a heroic feat for even the most prolific of apathetic bloggers)?<br />
<br />
I did it for you, Dear Reader. I did it for you, Pakistan. Your lone pageview, which I know about only because I check my stats obsessively, could represent the key to rebuilding the fractured relationship between our two countries. And I did for you too, Germany. Sure, the three pageviews I received last month could've been one random Kraut who stumbled onto this blog, poked around and decided Comcast transcripts weren't his cup of tea or, more appropriately, his stein of beer. But odds are it's three beautiful Frauleins who will be lifelong readers because of <a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2013/08/dear-signature-room.html" target="_blank"><b>this post about a naughty German couple</b></a>. I didn't forget about you either, China. Of course, this is for you. I just don't know how you found me with all that Internet censorship. Unless of course, it's you, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xi_Jinping" target="_blank"><b>Xi Jinping</b></a>. In that case, thanks for reading -- and we will pay you guys back ... eventually ... I think.<br />
<br />
<h3>
And the most viewed post is ...</h3>
<br />
Based on pageviews alone, here are the top-five Valium Vickie posts of 2014. If you've already read any of these, read them again or, better yet, share this listing with the many, many people who would never see this blog otherwise. Who knows, with your help I may be able to double my German readership by next year ...<br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2014/04/transcript-of-my-talk-with-comcast-rep.html" target="_blank">5. Transcript Of My Talk With A Comcast Rep: Volume 3 ('Footprints In The Sand')</a>:</b> The lone "prank" post on the list, the third addition of the Comcast transcripts centers around me telling a customer service representative about the extraordinary origins of the religious poem, "Footprints in the Sand."<br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/search?q=Why+is+the+Iron+in+the+Refrigerator" target="_blank">4. Why Is The Iron In The Refrigerator:</a> </b>The title of this post is about an iron, a tool for straightening wrinkled clothes that I have unknowingly placed in our refrigerator on more than one occasion. But that's not even close to the most ridiculous item to wind up in a food-storage unit. One time I scooped our cat's litter and placed the contents in our freezer. How does something like this happen? This post is my attempt at explaining what it's like to live with me and why things like irons and soiled cat litter keep ending up in our refrigerator/freezer.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-obligatory-proposal-story-part-1.html" target="_blank"><b>3. The Obligatory Proposal: Part 1:</b></a> I have two very different proposal stories: The one I told the people who created the custom engagement ring for my wife, and the one that actually happened. This post is the true story of how I proposed to my wife. I included it to provide contrast for the series about emails I exchanged with Seattle-based Green Lake Jewelry. Because the sequels to my 500-or-so-word blog posts take about as long as a multimillion dollar Hollywood action movie to put together, Part 1 of this two-part series was released in January of 2014 -- and readers can expect the second edition of this American love story sometime during the first quarter of 2015.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/search?q=How+to+start+a+bar+fight+in+Frederick+" target="_blank"><b>2. How To Start A Bar Fight In Frederick, Maryland, Without Getting Hurt:</b></a> Most people only know Frederick, Maryland, as the birthplace of Justin Wilson, the famous Southern catchphrase creator. But it's much more than that. In fact, Maryland's second-largest "city" is a place where, when one out-of-towner jokingly punches another out-of-towner in the face, the entire town gets involved -- or at least every patron of the Old Town Tavern. This is the true story of how my friends and I started a "Roadhouse" style bar fight without sustaining so must as a scratch in the process.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2014/06/the-best-way-to-start-marriage-is-by.html" target="_blank"><b>1. The Best Way To Start A Marriage Is By Not Actually Getting Married ... Legally Speaking.</b></a> For most people, getting a marriage license is a minor inconvenience. For my wife and I, it was an ordeal that involved multiple trips to the Register of Wills, a lie about the Service-Dog status of my nine-week-old Boston Terrier, a confused security guard, a happy gay couple and a few pointed questions about incest. Because of all that, it's not surprising to me this was, by far, the most-viewed Valium Vickie post of 2014.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-80137908590985025552014-12-30T13:15:00.000-08:002015-02-06T10:08:46.630-08:00DJ Wanted for a 'Nontraditional Event': Volume 2<div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.6000003814697px;">The first time I sought out the services of a reliable, professional DJ for a "nontraditional" event it was for a <a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2011/05/dj-wanted-for-nontraditional-event.html" target="_blank"><b>fictional organization called <i>CHANGE -- or Challenging Homosexuals to Accept a Non-Gay Existence</i></b></a> -- and I was pleasantly surprised by the response I received from one interested Jockey of the Disc. So I tried it again, with a different fictional organization and an even more absurd acronym. What follows is the word for word email correspondence I had with one highly rated professional DJ.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.6000003814697px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.6000003814697px;">As usual, the names have been changed, and the actual email addresses, phone numbers and websites have been removed.</span></span><br />
<br />
<h3>
<span style="font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.6000003814697px;">The Conversation </span></span></h3>
<b><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;">From:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"> Kenneth Larson
[mailto:<b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b>] <br />
<b>Sent:</b> Friday, June 20, 2014 3:25 PM<br />
<b>To:</b> <b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b><br />
<b>Subject:</b> DJ Wanted For Unique Event</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Hi </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Dickie</span></span>,<br />
<br />
I'm new to the Central <b>Somewhere in the United States</b> area, and I'm looking for a DJ for a unique
event my organization will be holding. Your company was at the top of the
Search list and had excellent reviews, so I figured I'd start here. We're very
flexible on DJ style, price and date, so what is your booking process?<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Kenneth Larson</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">From: </span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" />To: </span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><a class="eeoEntity" href="mailto:change4life1@hotmail.com" style="border-bottom-style: dotted; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: blue; cursor: pointer; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 22.7199993133545px; text-decoration: none;" target=""></a><br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" />Subject: RE: DJ Wanted For Unique Event<br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" />Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2014 12:11:17 -0400</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Kenneth,</span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Thanks for reaching out to us. Please give us a call at your convenience to discuss your event details and we will be happy to give you pricing and information.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Please let us know if you have any questions or need anything at all.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Best Regards,</span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Dickie G<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';">rooves</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><br />Grooves Entertainment<br />Ph: <span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span><br />Fx: </span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span></span><a href="http://www.xxxxxentertainment.com/"><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><b><br />www</b>.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;">From:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"> Kenneth Larson
[mailto:</span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span>] <br />
<b>Sent:</b> Saturday, June 28, 2014 11:35 AM<br />
<b>To:</b> </span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span>
<b><br />Subject:</b> RE: DJ Wanted For Unique Event</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Dickie</span>,<br />
<br />
Thanks much for getting back to me. As promised, here are a few details on the
organization and the event:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Here's some
background on our association: We're an organization comprised of men of all
ages (our youngest member is 26 and our oldest member is 77) with two common
interests: 1) Our unadulterated love of the most beautiful machine ever created
-- the corvette, and 2) our shared hatred of the unfounded stereotypes
associated with the men who share this unadulterated love.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Our organization is called ACOAASP, which stands for the
Association of Corvette Owners with Average- and Above-Average Sized Penises. <br />
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Since the birth of the Corvette, jealous individuals have been perpetrating the
flat-out lie that the vast majority of Corvette owners purchase these vehicles
not because they're superior machines and drivable works of art, but because
we're overcompensating for our undersized members. That's simply not the case.
In fact, almost a quarter of our members are above average in size, and our
treasurer even dabbled in amateur porn before joining the association. <br />
<br />
But that's besides the point.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">ACOAASP's mission is simple: To raise awareness that owning a
Corvette has absolutely nothing to do with some crazy preoccupation with penis
size and hopefully enlist a few members in the process. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Because
we're a new organization, we're holding a Beef 'N' Beer to raise some funds to
get the word out about ACOAASP (we don't even have our website up and running
yet!). So we're looking for a DJ for this event.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">From: </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span>
<br />To: </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span>
<br />Subject: RE: DJ Wanted For Unique Event<br />
Date: Tue, 1 Jul 2014 13:16:43 -0400</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Kenneth, </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";"> Thank
you for the information. This sounds like a great organization and a great
event that we would love to provide services for. What date are you looking at
for the event and where will it be held?</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Please let us know
if you have any questions or need anything at all. </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Best Regards,</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Dickie G<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';">rooves</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><br />Grooves Entertainment<br />Ph: <span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span><br />Fx: </span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span></span><a href="http://www.xxxxxentertainment.com/"><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><b>www</b>.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span></a></div>
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<tr class="Header"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1">From:</td><td> <b>Kenneth Larson</b> (<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span>) </td></tr>
<tr class="Header"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1">Sent:</td><td>Tue 7/08/14 12:56 PM</td></tr>
<tr class="Header"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1">To:</td><td><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span> </td></tr>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Dickie</span>,<br />
<br />
I'm so sorry for the delay. I was traveling
in Europe and had limited access to email. Have you ever been to
Brussels? It's a beautiful place.<br />
<br />
Anyway, thanks for the kind
words and your interest in our event. I have to admit, our organization
isn't for everybody and some people find it downright strange. However,
it's something we're very passionate about. While there are definitely
stereotypes more hurtful than Corvette owners and their members (e.g.,
the stereotype about all Asian people being late for everything and
talking loudly through movies), all stereotypes are wrong.<br />
<br />
So
we're looking to hold the event either on any of the Saturdays in
September, and we're considering holding it at a local American Legion
or VFW Hall. Any suggestions are welcome. Are you available.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Kenneth</div>
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<br />
From: <span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span><br />
To: <span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span><br />
Subject: RE: DJ Wanted For Unique Event<br />
Date: Fri, 11 Jul 2014 14:38:37 -0400<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Kenneth, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";"> So
sorry for the delayed reply. Yes, we are available for any of them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Please let us know
if you have any questions or need anything at all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Best Regards,</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Dickie G<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';">rooves</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><br />Grooves Entertainment<br />Ph: <span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span><br />Fx: </span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span></span><a href="http://www.xxxxxentertainment.com/"><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><b>www</b>.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span></a></div>
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<tr class="Header"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1">From:</td><td> <b>Kenneth Larson</b> (<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span></span>) </td></tr>
<tr class="Header"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1">Sent:</td><td>Thu 7/17/14 1:24 PM</td></tr>
<tr class="Header"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1">To:</td><td><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span> </td></tr>
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<br />
No need to apologize, <span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Dickie</span>. As you can tell, I'm a bit slow on the email lately. Would Sept. 27 work for your schedule?<br />
<br />
Kenneth</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">From: </span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span><br />To: </span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span><br />Subject: RE: DJ Wanted For Unique Event<br />Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2014 11:44:15 -0400<br /><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Kenneth, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";"> No
problem at all. We are definitely available for the 27<sup>th</sup> of Sept. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Please let us know
if you have any questions or need anything at all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Best Regards,</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Dickie G<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';">rooves</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><br />Grooves Entertainment<br />Ph: <span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span><br />Fx: </span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span></span><a href="http://www.xxxxxentertainment.com/"><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><b>www</b>.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span></a></div>
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<tr class="Header"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1">From:</td><td> <b>Kenneth Larson</b> (<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span>) </td></tr>
<tr class="Header"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1">Sent:</td><td>Sun 7/20/14 7:24 PM</td></tr>
<tr class="Header"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1">To:</td><td><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span></td></tr>
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<br />
That's wonderful news, <span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Dickie</span>! We were hoping for a reliable and popular DJ and, based on the reviews, that's you my friend!<br />
<br />
We
have one activity we were planning, and we wanted to see if you would
be willing to MC it or if we would be better off going with an ACOAASP
member?<br />
<br />
<i><b>Age is just a number ... yeah right, and a Corvette is just a car!<br />Kenneth Larson<br />ACOAASP founder and president</b></i></div>
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<b>From: </b><b><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span><br />To: </b><b><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span><br />Subject: RE: DJ Wanted For Unique Event<br />Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2014 13:46:19 -0400</b><i><b><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Kenneth, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";"> We
can certainly MC the activity as well for you. Or we will have a wireless mic
so that one of your members could speak as well if you like. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Please let us know
if you have any questions or need anything at all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Best Regards,</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 22.7199993133545px; margin-bottom: 1.35em;">
<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Dickie G<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';">rooves</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><br />Grooves Entertainment<br />Ph: <span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span><br />Fx: </span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span></span><a href="http://www.xxxxxentertainment.com/"><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><b><br />www</b>.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span></a></div>
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<tr class="Header"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1">From:</td><td> <b>Kenneth Larson</b> (<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span>) </td></tr>
<tr class="Header"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1">Sent:</td><td>Sat 7/26/14 11:24 AM</td></tr>
<tr class="Header"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1">To:</td><td><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span> </td></tr>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Dickie</span>,<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Sorry for the delay. Like I
said, I've been traveling a lot this summer. Ever since I got over my
shingles, I told myself, "Kenneth, you've got to see the world, my
friend." Let me ask you, <span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Dickie</span>: Have you ever sat on a beautiful woman's
lap and basked in the glory of an Alaska sunset?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Anyway, I regress. So I talked to the organization, and we're set to book this event.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
As
far as MCing goes, would you be willing to judge a contest? Like I
said, we're all about poking fun at the myths associated with Corvette
owners. It's so ridiculous how obsessed people are with penis size and
Corvette owners, you know?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So we're holding a
"Best Penis Contest," where our members present themselves on stage to
see who has the best member. It's based on audience votes, but here's
the catch: Audience members have to pay to see the contest -- and all of
that money goes right back to our organization.<br />
<br />
So, as the MC,
we'd just need you to make sure the contest runs smoothly and make a few
announcements. You know, standard things like, "Wow, who knew Salvatore
was packing like that?" Would you be willing to MC this -- or should we
get one of our members?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Please let me know ASAP,</div>
Kenneth</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">From: </span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span><br />To: </span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span><br />Subject: RE: DJ Wanted For Unique Event<br />Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 12:40:28 -0400<br /><br />
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Kenneth, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";"> In order to
proceed at this point I’m going to need you to give me a call to verify
that this is a legitimate event and you are serious about booking with us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Please let us know
if you have any questions or need anything at all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS";">Best Regards,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Dickie G<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';">rooves</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><br />Grooves Entertainment<br />Ph: <span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span><br />Fx: </span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span></span><a href="http://www.xxxxxentertainment.com/"><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><b><br />www</b>.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span></a></div>
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<b style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 18.9333305358887px;">From:</span></b><span style="font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 18.9333305358887px;"> Kenneth Larson [mailto:</span><span style="font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 18.9333305358887px;"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span>] <br style="line-height: 18.9333305358887px;" /><b style="line-height: 18.9333305358887px;">Sent:</b> Thursday, July 31, 2014 4:21 PM<br style="line-height: 18.9333305358887px;" /><b style="line-height: 18.9333305358887px;">To:</b> </span><span style="font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 18.9333305358887px;"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span><b style="line-height: 18.9333305358887px;"><br />Subject:</b> RE: DJ Wanted For Unique Event</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Dickie</span>,<br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" /><br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" />Of course, I'd be willing to verify the legitimacy of our event over the phone; however, it appears as though you only have a fax number listed in your email signature. So I'm not sure what direct number I should use to reach you?<br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" /><br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" />Also, I'm a bit taken aback by your question, </span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Dickie</span>. I've tried to be as honest as possible about our organization right from the start. If my memory serves me correctly, I let you know that the event AND the organization were unorthodox starting with the very first message I sent to you. Like I said, we're not for everybody. However, we're very passionate about our organization and this inaugural event. If you don't want to MC the "Best Penis" contest, like I said, I completely understand. It's no problem whatsoever to have one of our members do it. In fact, we have a member who dabbled in Improv during this tenure at Arizona State, and I'm sure he'd be thrilled with the opportunity.<br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" /><br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" />If you're getting cold feet about the event for moral or other reasons, however, I only ask that you be upfront with me; I won't hold it against you. But please don't hide behind some fake claim that you're questioning the legitimacy of our event, because that's just not right.<br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" /><br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" />Please let me know how you'd like to proceed with this.<br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" /><br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" />Regards,<br style="line-height: 22.7199993133545px;" />Kenneth</span></div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><tbody style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;">
<tr class="Header" style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1" style="color: #666666; line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">From:</td><td style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top;"><span style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span> <span class="TaggingText" style="color: #555555; line-height: 17.1944961547852px; margin-left: 10px;">This sender is in your <span lid="c_hm_tag" style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;">safe list</span>.</span></td></tr>
<tr class="Header" style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1" style="color: #666666; line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">Sent:</td><td style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top;">Tue 8/05/14 12:12 PM</td></tr>
<tr class="Header" style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1" style="color: #666666; line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">To:</td><td style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top;">'Kenneth Larson' (<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span>)</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Kenneth,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"> Please do not take offense as none was implied. I am more than willing to host the event and any contests therein and have no moral or ethical opposition to the contest or your organization. I actually think it would be a cool event. I simply have picked up on a few red flags in your email that make me cautious and just want to speak with a live person and get some security that this will be a real event i.e. contract request and or deposit. If you could call me at this number 123-456-7891 to confirm, that would be appreciated.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Please let us know if you have any questions or need anything at all.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Best Regards,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Dickie G<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';">rooves</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><br />Grooves Entertainment<br />Ph: <span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span><br />Fx: </span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span></span><a href="http://www.xxxxxentertainment.com/"><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><b>www</b>.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span></a></div>
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<i><b>Author's Note</b>: At this point in the conversation, I was at a crossroads of sorts. See, I didn't want to call the DJ because then I wouldn't be able to post our conversation on here (I don't have the technology to record phone calls, and I'm not as good as I used to be at transcribing conversations ). So, in my mind, my only play was finding fault with the number the DJ had given me ...</i><br />
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<tr class="Header" style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1" style="color: #666666; line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">From:</td><td style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top;"><span style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"> <b style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;">Kenneth Larson</b> (</span><span style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span>)</span></td></tr>
<tr class="Header" style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1" style="color: #666666; line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">Sent:</td><td style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top;">Thu 8/14/14 1:22 PM</td></tr>
<tr class="Header" style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1" style="color: #666666; line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">To:</td><td style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top;"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Dickie</span>,<br />
<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />
I gotta hand it to you, you got me good! Well done, my friend, well done. I have to be honest, when I dialed that number you gave me and got the Chinese restaurant with the guy with the heavy accent (no hard Rs!), I was a little bit peeved. But then when I thought about everything, I have to admit, your whole prank was kind of brilliant.<br />
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You strung me along through all of those emails and made me think that you were interested in DJing our event, even though I sensed some hesitation right from the start. Then, at the last minute, you switched it up and started dropping hints that you were skeptical about the whole thing. Finally, to put the icing on the cake so to speak, you give me a fake phone number with instructions to call and verify the authenticity of the event/organization. And what do I get when I call? A harried Chinese man trying to take my order! (I was starving at the time, so I ordered -- and the place isn't half bad.)<br />
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I wish that you pulled the trigger a little soon (we did exchange a lot of emails!), but I'm a guy that has a great sense of humor so I don't hold any ill-will toward you, <span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Dickie</span>. But just a little advice: Some prospective clients may not find this type of thing as funny as I did, so I'd tread carefully with the pranks in the future. But who knows, you got it right with me!<br />
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Anyway, best of luck to you in your professional (and pranking) career moving forward. You really got me good, you crazy SOB!<br />
<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />
Kenneth</div>
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<i><b><br />Author's Note</b>: Following this message, a few days went by without any contact from this formerly interested DJ. I started to fear the worst, so I sent this message: </i><br />
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<tr class="Header" style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1" style="color: #666666; line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">From:</td><td style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top;"><span style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"> <b style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;">Kenneth Larson</b> (</span><span style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span>)</span></td></tr>
<tr class="Header" style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1" style="color: #666666; line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">Sent:</td><td style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top;">Thu 8/21/14 10:32 AM</td></tr>
<tr class="Header" style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1" style="color: #666666; line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">To:</td><td style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top;"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXX@XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Dickie</span>,<br />
<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />
Listen, I understand you're not interested in the event and, like I said, I hold no hard feelings. But when I told my wife about your epic prank, she thought it was so funny that we should send it in to the Ellen show. Ellen is a day-time talk show that's hosted by this zany lesbian comedian named Ellen DeGeneres -- and it's hilarious! It's kind of an under the radar show (really big in Canada though I think), but I would highly recommend it.<br />
<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />
Anyway, my wife thinks your prank would be perfect for the show. So I was wondering if you'd mind if I sent Ellen (aka, Ellen's people) our emails? (I'm guessing no, but I figured I'd ask anyway!!) On top giving people a good laugh, it'll probably be some good exposure for both of us.<br />
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Let me know what you think!<br />
<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />
Kenneth</div>
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<i><b>Author's Note</b>: And then I received this response:</i></div>
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<tr class="Header" style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1" style="color: #666666; line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">Sent:</td><td style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top;">Thu 8/21/14 11:14 AM</td></tr>
<tr class="Header" style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px;"><td class="ReadMsgHeaderCol1" style="color: #666666; line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">To:</td><td style="line-height: 17.1944961547852px; padding-bottom: 2px; padding-right: 4px; vertical-align: top;">Kenneth Larson (<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com</b></span>)</td></tr>
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Please do not email me again.<br />
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Best Regards,<br />
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<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 22.7199993133545px; margin-bottom: 1.35em;">
<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">Dickie G<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';">rooves</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><br />Grooves Entertainment<br />Ph: <span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span><br />Fx: </span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="color: blue; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;">123-456-7891</span></span><a href="http://www.xxxxxentertainment.com/"><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; line-height: 22.7199993133545px;"><b>www</b>.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>XXXXXentertainment.com</b></span></a><br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>The End.</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-57251630199560883542014-12-16T19:44:00.002-08:002014-12-16T19:44:51.507-08:00Transcript of my chat with a Capital One RepCapital One is always asking, "What's in your wallet?" Of course, the answer they're looking for is: "A nearly maxed-out Capital One card with a criminally high interest rate. Thanks you guys!" A question you'll never hear from the Financial Giant is, "What's in your mailbox?" That would be silly because the Virginia-based company with a 2013 annual revenue of $22.4 billion and the most complaints of any credit card issuer between 2011 and 2013 already knows the answer to that question. Lots and lots of unsolicited offers from Capital One are in my mailbox.<br />
<br />
That company must spend more than $100 in postage each year on me alone -- and I'm already a customer! I have a Capital One card in my wallet; it's been in there since 2005. And I don't even have any complaints about the card or the service. The mailings are another story. That's why I contacted the company recently. What follows is the conversation I had with a very helpful rep.<br />
<br />
<i><b><u>Note</u></b>: Based on my completely arbitrary policy, I've changed the rep's name and rated my chat experience highly via the survey given at the end of the conversation. Also, I left the time stamp to show everybody just how long this thing actually took.</i><br />
<br />
<h3>
The Introduction</h3>
<br />
<span class="yiv6917697485" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1418498497411_3013">Secure Chat in progress</span><span class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485secure-icon" style="visibility: hidden;"></span><br />
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1418498497411_3019">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_0">
Welcome to our Capital One secure chat service! This chat will be monitored and recorded.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1418498497411_3021">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_1">
<span class="yiv6917697485"> </span><span class="yiv6917697485" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1418498497411_3023">Hi, this is <b>Rondo</b>. Whom do I have the pleasure of chatting with today?</span></div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3443">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3442">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3442">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3444">
12:49 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_2">
Hi <b>Rondo</b>, this is Jared Bilski</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3446">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3445">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3447">
12:50 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_3">
Hello Jared! </div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3449">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3448">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3450">
12:50 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_4">
How may I assist you today?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3452">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3451">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3453">
12:50 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_5">
Well, I'm a bit nervous about something</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5022">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1418498497411_3039">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1418498497411_3041">
12:51 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_6">
Please go ahead with your questions, I'd be happy to help you today. </div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5114">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1418498497411_3044">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1418498497411_3046">
12:51 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_7">
OK, I'll try to keep this short ....</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5116">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1418498497411_3049">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5115">
12:52 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_8">
I'm an amateur Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fighter, and recently I suffered a fairly traumatic head injury</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5118">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5117">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:52 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_9">
As a result, I've been doing things that I'm not accustomed to doing and I can't explain why</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:53 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_10">
Are you with me so far, <b>Rondo</b>?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:53 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_11">
I'm sorry to hear that. </div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5120">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5119">
12:53 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_12">
Part of the job, my friend.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:54 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_13">
No reason to feel sorry ... I never feel more alive than when I've in that cage ..</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5122">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5121">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:54 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_14">
Okay.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b><br /></b>
<h3>
<b>The problem</b></h3>
<b><br /></b>
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:54 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_15">
Anyway, here's where Capital One comes in ...</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:55 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_16">
Recently, I received a letter from Capital One, and on the envelope it said "The information you requested is enclosed."</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Oliver</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:55 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_17">
OKay.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5124">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5123">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5125">
12:56 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_18">
When I opened the envelope, there was a letter letting me know about my Quicksilver credit card with a number to activate it</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:57 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_19">
Okay.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5126">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:57 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_20">
Are you with me so far, <b>Rondo</b>?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:57 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_21">
Yes, I'm with you.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5128">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5127">
12:58 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_22">
Just to clarify, have you applied for a new Quicksilver card online? </div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5130">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5129">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:58 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_23">
So, after receiving the letter, I start freaking out .. I'm 99% certain I never requested a credit card from you</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:59 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_24">
Thank you for clarifying that for me.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:59 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_25">
That's the thing, <b>Rondo</b>. I never did nor do I have any online record of doing so ...</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:59 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_26">
Let me quickly access your account and check that for you. </div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:59 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_27">
Please verify the following information to access your account: name (exactly as it appears on your credit card), zip code, date of birth and last four digits of your Social Security Number.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
12:59 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_28">
Sure thing, <b>Rondo</b>.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<br />
<i>Note: I removed the part where I give out the highly sensitive personal info -- like my zip code ...</i></div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<br />
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:00 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_31">
Do you think you can help me, <b>Rondo</b>?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5131">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:00 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_32">
Could you please provide me with the last 4-digits of your account number?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5133">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5132">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:00 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_33">
Let me check what best can be done to help you.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:00 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_34">
Oh ... you mean of my capital one account</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:01 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_35">
Yes, that's correct. </div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<br />
<i>And this part with the account number.</i><br />
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:01 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_37">
Thank you for verifying that information. Bear with me for just a moment while I review the account.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:02 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_38">
I will check on my CAT-Scan results</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:03 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_39">
I appreciate your patience, Jared.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
You</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:03 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_40">
And me your help, <b>Rondo</b>.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:04 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_41">
<b>Rondo</b>, this may sound strange, but I'm in therapy ...</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:05 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_42">
And my therapist said that, to help me in tense moments, it may help to refer to people by a name I feel comfortable with</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:05 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_43">
After reviewing your account, I'm glad to see that Capital One upgraded your non reward card to Capital One Quicksilver card.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:05 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_44">
Would you mind if I call you Reginald for the duration of this conversation</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:05 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_45">
?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
You</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:05 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_46">
That was my grandfathers name</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:05 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_47">
Sure! Go ahead.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:06 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_48">
Thank you, I know it's strange, but it helps</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:07 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_49">
Now you can go ahead and earn rewards of <a class="yiv6917697485" href="https://www.capitalone.com//assets/js/247-chat/1.5%" rel="nofollow" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: blue; cursor: text !important; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;" target="_blank">1.5%</a> on your net purchases.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:07 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_50">
I have crippling anxiety most days</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:07 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_51">
I do confirm you that there is no cap for earning rewards on this card.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:08 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_52">
OK, now I'm really confused, Reginald. So I did request the new credit card? And that letter was a result of my actions</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:08 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_53">
There's no record, so I must've called you guys in a fugue state following my head injury</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:08 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_54">
No, your existing card was upgraded to Quicksilver card due to which you have received a new card in the mail. </div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:08 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_55">
But that's highly unlikely because I'm generally terrified of talking on the phone</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:09 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_56">
Why was it upgraded?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:09 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_57">
I do confirm that upgrading your account will not impact on your credit scores.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:10 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_58">
OK, bear with a moment, Reginald. First things first. You're telling me that the upgrade has nothing to do with my actions, correct?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:10 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_59">
Yes, that's correct. </div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:10 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_60">
This upgraded was from Capital One.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:11 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_61">
When then why did the letter say "The Information you requested is enclosed."</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:11 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_62">
?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:12 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_63">
I'm sorry, the each letter you will receive in the mail will be written same on a letter.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:12 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_64">
I meant, "Well, then why ..." Sorry, my hands are trembling</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:13 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_65">
I'm sorry I didn't quite understand that last comment, Reginald</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:13 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_66">
Let me clarify that for you. </div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:13 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_67">
I'd appreciate that!</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:15 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_68">
The information you have received in the mail is only a general disclosure sent to all customers whose cards are reviewed and upgraded.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:16 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_69">
Ah, no I get it. So in other words, the "you" in "The Information you request is enclosed," wasn't specific to me, was it Reginald?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:17 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_70">
Yes, you are right.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:17 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_71">
In fact, the "you" meant everybody and it was part of a mass communication effort</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:17 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_72">
Yes, that is correct.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:17 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_73">
Hmmm ... well, can I offer one small criticism</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:18 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_74">
It is only meant to be constructive in nature, Reginald</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:19 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_75">
I understand.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:19 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_76">
Shall I speak freely then?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:20 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_77">
Please go ahead if you have any comment regarding this proactive upgrade.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:21 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_78">
Here is my only point of contention: When I receive a letter specifically stating, "the information you requested is enclosed," I always believe the company is being 100% honest with me ...</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:22 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_79">
Therefore, I was under the impression that I was the one who contacted your company ...</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:23 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_80">
And that I requested a new credit card. Do you see what I'm saying?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:23 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_81">
I completely understand the point you are making in this regard.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:24 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_82">
And based on the head injury, I was worried that I'd opened a number of credit cards in a fugue state, and this fear cause me great anxiety and led to added therapy sessions</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:25 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_83">
As per the terms of the Credit Card agreement, it is an agreement with our customers that any changes in terms or upgrade with the card will be notified to customers well in advance so that you are well aware of the change.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:25 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_84">
I know what you're thinking Reginald, "Well, this case is an exception, this could never happen to anyone else." Am I right?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:25 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_85">
Yes, I have terms in my safe, it's the language I'm referring to Reginald</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:26 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_86">
We appreciate your feedback. Please be assured that your comments will be forwarded to my manager to ensure that it is passed on to the appropriate parties.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:27 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_87">
Listen, I'm not trying to be harsh here ... I just have a few more things and then I have a back and bicep workout scheduled</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:28 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_88">
All I'm saying is this: Maybe telling people the information they requested is enclosed is misleading when they never actually requested anything</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:28 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_89">
Jared, we highly appreciate your time for providing us with your feedback. We always appreciate hearing from our customers about the services that we provide.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:29 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_90">
I know successful banks care deeply about their customer and would NEVER want to mislead them</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:29 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_91">
So here is my suggestion. You can pass this along to your managers if you'd like, Reginald.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:29 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_92">
Are you there, my friends?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:29 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_93">
friend</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:30 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_94">
Yes, I am waiting for your response.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:31 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_95">
Instead of writing "The Information you request is enclosed," perhaps you can instead write "The information we really want you to see is enclosed" What do you think?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:31 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_96">
A small but significant difference, don't you agree, Reginald?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:32 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_97">
I have took your comment and noted on your account so that this will be considered by my superiors.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:33 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_98">
Do you have any other questions for me today regarding your account, Jared?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:33 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_99">
You have been very helpful, Reginald! Please tell them to let me know their thoughts. Also, I'd be happy to let your supervisors know how stellar your service has been</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:34 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_100">
How can I do that, Reginald?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:34 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_101">
It is my pleasure assisting you today with all your questions.<br />
<br />
<h3>
The resolution</h3>
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:35 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_102">
Well, if there's any way I can pass along my pleasure with your service, please let me know. Finally, one last thing:</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:35 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_103">
You can send the feedback after you end this chat which will help us to serve you and improve the customer support. </div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:36 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_104">
I shall do just that! Now can you do one last thing for me?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:37 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_105">
Please go ahead.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:37 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_106">
Can you end this conversation with the phrase, "Til next time, kid, just keep swinging -- eventually you'll hit something."</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:38 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_107">
?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:38 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_108">
If you need any assistance in the future, please do not hesitate to contact us.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:38 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_109">
We appreciate your business and look forward to continuing to serve your financial needs.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:38 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_110">
It has been my pleasure assisting you. Happy Merry Christmas!</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:38 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_111">
My goal today was to provide you with outstanding customer service. I hope I was able to meet that goal for you. If you'd like to provide feedback about your experience with us today, please <a class="yiv6917697485" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" rel="nofollow" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: blue; cursor: text !important; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-decoration: underline;">click here</a> to end the chat and answer a few quick questions.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:38 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_112">
<b>And ...</b></div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
You</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:40 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_113">
You still there, Reginald?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:40 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_114">
Yes.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:40 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_115">
I noticed we are still connected. Is there anything else I can help you with today?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:41 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_116">
Yes, Can you end this conversation with the phrase, "Til next time, kid, just keep swinging -- eventually you'll hit something"?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:41 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_117">
It's an OCD thing</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:42 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_118">
Reginald, I can't tell if that last part was received?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:43 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_119">
I will be right with you.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:44 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_120">
One moment please. </div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:45 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_121">
A moment's just a note in the song of life.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3435">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:45 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_122">
I'll wait</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3434">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3436">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3433">
01:46 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_123">
Thank you for your patience.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3432">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3431">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3437">
01:46 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_124">
No, thank you!</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3430">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3429">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:47 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_125">
So shall we end this now?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3427">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3428">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:48 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_126">
Sure. Also I do not have an option to type the above statement you had requested as per the chat etiquette on this professional chat. So I will be sending my standard closing statement. </div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3426">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:48 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_127">
I regret for the inconvenience. </div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3425">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:48 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_128">
My goal today was to provide you with outstanding customer service. I hope I was able to meet that goal for you. If you'd like to provide feedback about your experience with us today, please <a class="yiv6917697485" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" rel="nofollow" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: blue; cursor: text !important; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-decoration: underline;">click here</a> to end the chat and answer a few quick questions.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:49 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_129">
Can you at least say, Is has been my pleasure assisting you today, Vito?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3415">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3414">
01:50 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_130">
Is has been my pleasure assisting you today.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3417">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3416">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3418">
01:50 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_131">
Vito, can you add the Vito, part?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3420">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3419">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3421">
01:51 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_132">
As in, "It (not is) has been my pleasure assisting you today, Vito."</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3423">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3422">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_3424">
01:51 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_133">
Does that breach the etiquette policy?</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5156">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5155">
01:52 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_134">
Is has been my pleasure assisting you today, Vito.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:52 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_135">
Sorry, Roid Rage is creeping up on me here.</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5154">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485">
01:52 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_136">
Thanks, Reginald. You provided great customer service -- and you were one hell of a grandfather</div>
</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5143">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1418498497411_3059">
<b>You</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1418498497411_3057">
01:53 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_137">
See ya on the other side</div>
</div>
<div id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_2805">
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5153" style="background-color: white; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<div class="yiv6917697485">
<b style="font-family: Times;">Rondo</b></div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485yui_3_16_0_1_1418324030112_5152">
01:53 PM</div>
<div class="yiv6917697485" id="yiv6917697485msg_number_138">
Thank you and take care. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-25426728877395382682014-12-01T20:26:00.001-08:002014-12-01T20:26:13.999-08:00'I'm Not Doing The Blacks!': A Tale Of WillpowerOne of the most enjoyable parts of my relationship with my wife is convincing her to do things she's completely uncomfortable doing (not that, you perverts). Whether it's jumping off of a 40-foot bridge into a dangerously polluted river or agreeing that a Scott Weiland solo concert is a good way to spend our time and money, I take a lot of pride getting my wife to believe that my way is the best way. That's how I got her to go skiing.<br />
<br />
Liz was terrified of skiing when we first started dating, but I was relentless and, eventually, she caved. For a while, she would only do the beginner hills, those sad, A-cup trails that were riddled with fallen children and stopped, watchful parents. But I wasn't happy going down the beginner slopes over and over again. So it wasn't long before I was urging my wife to try the more challenging trails. I'd gently try to convince by saying things like, "Come on, you're ready. The other hills aren't much steeper. You'll be fine."<br />
<br />
This was met with more resistance than I'd expected, but that didn't stop me. Every time we went skiing, I kept pushing and pushing. Then, on one of our annual ski trips, we launched into a legitimate fight right as we boarded the ski lift together.<br />
<br />
It could've just happened organically. But, I think on some level, I picked that moment to move the discussion from a playful negotiation to a full-blown argument because I was used to fighting with Liz in transportation vehicles. For us, the car is the equivalent of the UFC octagon. We tend to save up the bulk of our complaints and frustrations until we're seething with anger and ready to burst. Then we go for a 300-hundred-mile-long road trip to have it out.<br />
<br />
The majority of our really good fights have taken place over the course of really long road trips. When we got our first dog, Luna, we were literally screaming at each other like a white-trash couple on COPS when I pulled the car into a rest stop to avoid driving the car into a tree.<br />
<br />
I remember rushing to get out of the car while Liz continued her onslaught of strategic verbal jabs until I just lost it. "ALRIGHT!" I screamed as I slammed the driver's side door, hard enough to shake the entire car. A few minutes later, I was standing in line at McDonald's, when I got a text from Liz. "Get me some goddamn chicken nuggets," was all the text said, and just like that, my anger was gone. It's really hard to stay pissed at someone <i>and</i> take their fast-food order.<br />
<br />
<h3>
The breaking point</h3>
<br />
So I guess it makes sense that the fight really got going while we were riding the ski-lift together. After all, a ski lift is just like a car, an unenclosed car suspended 40-feet above the ground by old, bouncy cables, but a car nonetheless. Plus, because I didn't have to operate the ski lift, I could really focus on how right I was, too. And she had to listen to me.<br />
<br />
By the time we got to the top of the mountain and exited the ski lift, Liz was so sick of my pushing and prodding that she started screaming at me, right in front of the dozen or so skiers and snowboarders who had also just gotten off the lift.<br />
<br />
"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT! I'M NOT DOING THE BLACKS!" Liz yelled.<br />
Unfazed, I came right back at her, "STOP BEING A BABY ABOUT IT! YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT."<br />
<br />
Let me explain something. There were three types of slopes on this mountain: Green circles or beginner level; blue square or intermediate; and black diamond or expert level. Since you, the reader, have been given some critical background on the events leading up to our meltdown, you know Liz was simply letting me know that she wasn't ready to tackle the expert-level slopes -- and not spurning some cuckold fetish I was trying to force upon her.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aZUlXOsijq8/VH0_PM_1SRI/AAAAAAAAAOE/qnBxzZOyfps/s1600/6a00d8341c51c053ef0133f241df93970b-450wi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aZUlXOsijq8/VH0_PM_1SRI/AAAAAAAAAOE/qnBxzZOyfps/s1600/6a00d8341c51c053ef0133f241df93970b-450wi.jpg" height="179" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo courtesy of <i>adweek.com</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
But to all the people on top of the mountain that day, it must've sounded like, for whatever reason, I'd had been relentlessly badgering some poor girl to have sex with one or more black gentlemen, even though she didn't want to, until she just lost it and started screaming about "not doing the blacks." And because we were having this argument in full ski gear on top of a mountain in front of a group of strangers, it had to seem like I needed to convince this girl to have sex with one or more black gentlemen right then and there. The urgency of the argument made it sound like I had the Old Spice guy waiting for her in the lodge. As if Liz would finish her run and he'd be waiting there in the lodge with a cup of hot cocoa and a bottle of wine, "You must be Liz. Let's go somewhere we can have some privacy."<br />
<br />
By the end of the day we stopped fighting, and I actually convinced Liz to give one of the blacks [expert-level ski slope] a shot. She took a nasty fall on the way, landed right on her ass, and said she was sore for several days afterward. But despite all that, she loved the experience, and skiing hasn't been the same for her since.<br />
<br />Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-61592627226711577192014-10-16T20:09:00.003-07:002014-10-17T10:45:54.726-07:0013 Things I Saw At The 2014 Woodrow Wilson Bridge Half-MarathonAs part of my ongoing effort to keep my aging body from completely going to shit, I ran another half-marathon. The half-marathon or, more specifically the almost 21K, is a unique run in that it's long enough to be challenging and make people think you're an idiot for doing it, but not quite long enough to really impress anybody. <br />
<br />
This marks the second time I willingly paid money to wake up ridiculously early on a weekend (4 a.m.), take a shuttle to some remote location and run 13 miles with several thousand strangers. If you remember, last year I ran the <b><a href="http://valiumvickie.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-3-most-annoying-signs-at.html" target="_blank">Philadelphia Rock 'N' Roll Half-Marathon</a></b> -- and bitched about the signs spectators held. The fine folks over at <b><a href="http://phillysportslive.com/" target="_blank">Philly Sports Live</a></b> were even kind enough to <b><a href="http://phillysportslive.com/annoying-signs-at-the-philadelphia-rock-and-rock-half-marathon/" target="_blank">post my musings</a></b> on their website. In keeping with the tradition of overanalyzing what I witnessed while running a bunch of miles, here are 13 things I noticed at this year's Woodrow Wilson Bridge Half-Marathon (one for each mile, get it?).<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Cw7zbsLgeh8/VECDHcC2mPI/AAAAAAAAANk/D9xxtNmKn_o/s1600/10421478_10152419050496409_536811902087681094_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Cw7zbsLgeh8/VECDHcC2mPI/AAAAAAAAANk/D9xxtNmKn_o/s1600/10421478_10152419050496409_536811902087681094_n.jpg" height="320" width="226" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Four losers who were drunk by 10 a.m.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<h3>
There were these things ...</h3>
<br />
<b>1. A pair of women in giant, neon-yellow tutus.</b> These two gals ran the race together, but it was by choice -- not because they were attached to one another via some strange tether device. The tutus were loud and obnoxious, the type of outfit you'd expect to see a six year old wearing. But these ladies really owned the 80s ballerina look (a look that was a lot more aesthetically pleasing than the middle-aged male runners in the Hooters' waitress shorts). Lucky for me, I saw these girls before the race started and again, much later, as they were crossing the finish line. The stark contrast between these two pre- and post-race reminded me of the difference between the festive ladies you see at the start of bar-crawl events like the Erin Express -- and the ones you saw after a full day of drinking. Before the half marathon, these two quirky dames were brimming over with excitement, but by the time they made it to the finish line, they were sweat-covered and disoriented, their tutus were askew, and they were desperately looking for a spot to puke or piss or both.<br />
<br />
<b>2. A couple with matching tattoos who were tethered together.</b> The tattoos, which were located on the back left shoulder-blade of both members of this power couple, seemed to be some type of Celtic knotwork. As for the tether, it looked like a two-sided lasso, and it was made of some type of super-strong rubbery material. A lasso loop encircled each person's waist, and there was about four feet of slack between the couple.<br />
<br />
Just to clarify, the tethered couple wasn't a blind person and his/her guide. There were a number of people with vision impairments who ran the race connected to a guide. The "disabled" runners started the race several minutes before the rest of pack. This couple, on the other hand, were directly in front of me when the race started. They weren't impaired or disabled, they were simply annoying. Life for these two must be like some type of extended version of a three-legged race. They probably even go to the bathroom in pairs; while one member excretes, the other offers words of encouragement, "You can do it, baby! Keep pushing!" I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to learn these two winners had their pubic hair shaved into matching designs.<br />
<br />
<b>3. A woman in jean shorts and a gypsy-looking shirt.</b> To be fair, I didn't see whether this woman was actually wearing a bib. For all I know, she could've just been somebody under the influence of various mind-altering substances who confused the group of people running an organized road race with a panicked mob running to avoid some unspeakable fate. But chances are, she was just a runner whose only clean clothes come race day were the jean shorts and the gypsy shirt. I also imagine the chafing from running 13 miles in jean shorts must've been quite painful.<br />
<br />
<b>4. A grizzled, older man in jean shorts and a plain, worn-in Tee-shirt (the kind with single pocket over the left breast). </b>I wasn't worried about this guy's chafing issues because he looked like the type of guy who doesn't feel pain or, if he does, he doesn't dare show it because that's what men do. This guy looked like he'd been working construction since he was 8 years old, and I wouldn't be surprised if he ran right past the finish line and right to his job site where he proceeded to put in a 10-hour shift.<br />
<br />
<h3>
And these things ...</h3>
<br />
<b>5. A clever use of trash bags.</b> Because the race started so early (7 a.m. official start time), dressing correctly posed a bit of a problem. If you didn't wear a few layers, you'd spend that interminable period before the race starts freezing your ass off and cursing yourself for wasting a perfectly good Sunday. If, however, you overdressed, you'd be forced to either discard your extra clothing along the streets of Alexandria* or sweat through the multiple layers like a boxer trying to make weight. I did the latter. But a bunch of folks came up with a very effective workaround to the clothing dilema. Instead of piling on extra layers of their own clothing, a number of people wore heavy trash bags (think Hefty industrial strength) to keep warm before the run -- and simply peeled the bags off and tossed them in the street when their blood was pumping and they were warm enough to run in normal running gear. And get this: It wasn't littering. During a race, it's perfectly reasonable for people to throw random shit -- from trash bags to empty water cups to soiled underwear -- right in the middle of the course because there's a whole crop of big-hearted volunteers who clean everything up when the race is over.<br />
<br />
<b>6. Annoyed rich people.</b> According to the infallible website Wikipedia, Alexandria is the highest income independent city in Virginia. So it's safe to say there are a lot of rich people in Alexandria. And if there's one thing I know about rich people, it's this: Rich people hate being inconvenienced. When wealthy folks have stuff to do, they better damn well be able to those things exactly how they'd like. So when a major artery (even if it is only a small part of that major artery) of the highest income independent city in Virginia is shut down so people can jog, you're bound to get some pushback from the noble aristocrats who run the place. During the run, I noticed plenty of head shaking from elegantly dressed individuals in luxury automobiles.<br />
<br />
At one point, I actually saw a woman in a fur coat gesturing wildly to a policeman. She kept pointing to the other side of the street -- a street she couldn't cross because of the race. Here's what I imagine she was saying: <i>"What's the meaning of all this? A race. Surely, you must be joking. My dear boy, I just haven't the time for this today. I'm to meet Miranda for coffee, and I've only a small window to discuss ... I beg your pardon? Do you realize with whom your are speaking? I pay your salary you insipid little ... Is that so? Perhaps you know Bernard Davenport, a very prominent attorney who just happens to be my husband. You don't? Well, my dear boy, you'll know him soon enough." (A sweat-covered trash bag suddenly lands on top of the woman's head.)</i><br />
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<b>7. The most polite, non-annoying signs I've ever seen at a race.</b> Thankfully, the Woodrow Wilson Bridge Half Marathon crowd had no desire to stand around holding up the clever, cutesy, "look-at-me-dear-Christ-please-look-at-me type of signs the folks at the Philadelphia half-marathon were so fond of. Unless I missed it, there wasn't one "Worst Parade Ever" sign along the 13-mile course. Instead, the few signs I did say things like, "You Can Do It Mommy!" or "We're Proud Of You Pop-Pop!" Although it would've been nice to have seen just one "Run To Save Your Feet, Diabetic Karen!" even a cynical prick like me couldn't find a way to get annoyed with the innocuous motivational messages on display.<br />
<br />
<b>8. A healthy disregard for Porta-potties.</b> Most of the races I've done are littered with Porta-potties along the course route, and there are always deep lines of desperate runners waiting to use these makeshift toilets. But that wasn't the case at the Woodrow Wilson Bridge Half Marathon. Throughout the race, there was a steady stream (pun intended) of people ducking off to or returning from some secluded private bathroom. Generally, these people would take cover off in the many patches of woods or bushes along the way. Some, however, simply stepped a few places away from the main path and relieved themselves in plain sight. I blame the race organizers for encouraging public urination. See, at the starting line, there were a total of <b><u>three</u></b> Porta-potties set up to accommodate the bathroom needs of the nearly three thousand bladders that were filled with water, Gatorade, Vitamin water, coffee and whatever other fluids people typically consume to hydrate for a 13-mile run.<br />
<br />
<b>9. Dogs, lots and lots of dogs.</b> There were shepherds and huskies and poodles and Labs, and lots and lots of mutts. Unfortunately, I didn't spot any Boston Terriers. (My Boston, Judith Weiland Bilski, was in Alexandria, but she had to spend the race in our hotel room.) If I had to guess, I put the human to dog ratio at around five to one. Overall, Alexandria seems like a very dog-friendly city. In fact, it was easier to find a dog accessory store than an authentic Italian restaurant in the Old Town section of Alexandria.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-c7Gq942Ixqc/VECDcbDWRII/AAAAAAAAANs/teUU6BYAf4I/s1600/1964974_10152419050006409_4847684795875081552_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-c7Gq942Ixqc/VECDcbDWRII/AAAAAAAAANs/teUU6BYAf4I/s1600/1964974_10152419050006409_4847684795875081552_n.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just a couple of buds in a hotel room watching dog porn together ...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<h3>
And these things</h3>
<br />
<b>10. A life-size Robert Pattison cutout with a phrase like 'Run Like You Sparkle' printed on it.</b> For those who don't know him, Robert Pattison is an actor best-known for his role in the 2007 TV Movie "<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0909010/" target="_blank">The Bad Mother's Handbook,</a>" where he plays the "lovable, yet nerdy" teenager Daniel Gale.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5e2C0O8Qn0U/VECD96aTRyI/AAAAAAAAAN0/CWQEpRayWYM/s1600/nbc_23940.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5e2C0O8Qn0U/VECD96aTRyI/AAAAAAAAAN0/CWQEpRayWYM/s1600/nbc_23940.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo courtesy of Cinemablend</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<b>11. An enormous blow-up of cutout of some dude's head -- a head that bore a striking resemblance to Patton Oswalt's. </b>This horrific thing popped up right around the 8-mile mark. Most of the time, when I see a picture of myself I'm like, "Jesus, is that how I look?" I generally have some type of picture in my mind of how I think I look, and photographic evidence generally does little to support that image. So after running eight miles, the last thing I'd want to see is a giant, magnified image of my stupid face with all my blotches and pores and wrinkles fully exposed. But who knows, maybe the giant head gave the Patton lookalike the boost he needed to win his age group.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>12. The return of the fanny pack.</b> Most serious runners don't care much about their appearance. In fact, an alarming number of male runners in this run wore outfits that closely resembled the uniform of a Hooters' waitress. So it's no surprise many runners had no problem donning a fanny pack/utility belt during the race. The simple version of this accessory gives people a main compartment for valuables (IDs, cash and/or credit cards, keys, etc.) and a few holders for water bottles or human growth hormone cocktails. The more elaborate packs, however, seemed to hold enough supplies to sustain a person for several weeks if that person ever found himself lost and alone in the wilderness.<br />
<br />
<b>13. A breathtaking sunrise.</b> The start of the race coincided perfectly with the start of the day. The sunrise really was spectacular, and I wasn't the only who felt this way. There were plenty of runners who stopped running and stepped off the course to snap a photo with their phones -- and this sunrise took place at the very start of the race. Rather than trying to use my limited command of the language to describe the mist rising up from the Potomac or the apocalyptic orange sky, here's <a href="http://chelseaeatstreats.com/woodrow-wilson-half-marathon-sub-2-or-bust/" target="_blank"><b>a picture from a blog</b></a> about the race.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MJJGtqTiVG8/VECA0efMoCI/AAAAAAAAANY/Zp3JELRdxos/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MJJGtqTiVG8/VECA0efMoCI/AAAAAAAAANY/Zp3JELRdxos/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo courtesy of <span id="goog_607542920"></span><a href="http://chelseaeatstreats.com/" target="_blank">Chelsea Eats Treat<span id="goog_607542921"></span>s</a></td></tr>
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<br />
<br />
<i>*At the Broad Street Run in Philadelphia, the discarded clothing is donated to the city's homeless. This doesn't happen at the Woodrow Wilson Bridge Half Marathon because, according to the rich woman in No. 6, there are zero homeless people in Alexandria, VA.</i>Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-19417084254839914212014-09-25T10:37:00.001-07:002014-09-25T10:37:46.030-07:00Dredge the Driver: Part 2"Dredge here. Out front."<br />
<br />
That was the text I received at 5:48 am the morning I was scheduled to fly back home from Dallas. Dredge and I had exchanged numbers during our last interaction, and I was happy to see he had remembered his promise to drive me back to the airport.<br />
<br />
I was flying back with a co-worker, and I wanted him to experience the power of Dredge's stories firsthand. But for the first leg of our trip, Dredge was reluctant to talk.<br />
<br />
I tried to steer the conversation in a direction that would naturally lend itself to one of Dredge's stories, but the guy didn't seem to want to bite.<br />
<br />
"Ran into some crazy people down here," I said as an icebreaker. "Bet you've driven some real psychos around, huh?"<br />
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Dredge responded, but he didn't bother to elaborate. Instead, he just laughed to himself and stared at the road ahead.<br />
<br />
I tried a different tact.<br />
"Dredge, tell my friend about the little old Chinese guy, he'll love that story."<br />
"I don't want to get into that again, but ..." Dredge paused for a good 10 seconds or so before he asked that curious question:<br />
"You consider yourself liberal or conservative?"<br />
<h3>
Crooks, robbers and petty thieves </h3>
<br />
<br />
After some convincing, Dredge launched into his most ridiculously unbelievable story yet. <br />
"I used to be a cop, but I didn't like how I was being treated by the higher ups," was how the story began. According to Dredge, Dredge was a great cop with an uncanny ability for catching crooks -- real crooks, like robbers, not small-time petty thieves. When it came to catching bad guys, Dredge just seemed to know where to be and when to be there. Problem was, his talents weren't recognized because of all of the "bureaucratic bullshit" within the department.<br />
<br />
So Dredge decided to take matters into his own hands. First, he quit the force. Then, he teamed up with this other former cop, somebody most of the other cops couldn't really stand and would never associate with Dredge. Together, these two robbed a total of eight banks using Dredge's master plan. Once they stockpiled enough cash, they headed down to the Dominican Republic to enjoy the fruits of their labor.<br />
<br />
But the good times didn't last long. The way Dredge tells it, his "dumbass" partner made the mistake of trying to pass of a traveler's check at a strip club. The owner got suspicious, tried calling American Express to verify the check, and Dredge and his partner made a break for it. But the two were eventually tracked down by the strip club's bodyguards and taken to a local prison. Dredge described the prison as a "medieval dungeon," and he wound up spending several days in that dungeon.<br />
<br />
During his stay, Dredge said he was beaten and threatened. He was sure he was going to be killed. Dredge described run-ins with two actual generals in the Dominican army who were also wardens at the prison: The good general and the bad general. The bad general came into Dredge's cell, which he was sharing with his partner and several other local criminals, looked him in the eye, said something in Spanish and walked away. One of Dredge's cellmates translated what was said, which amounted to: "I'm coming back later tonight and, when I do, I'm going to kill you." Later that night, the bad general did return. But right when he got to Dredge's cell, the good general came storming in and screamed something in Spanish at the man who had come to kill Dredge. Then, just like that, the bad general left.<br />
<br />
Not only did this good general save Dredge from his impending death, he also offered his American prisoner some good old-fashioned Dominican Republic hospitality. After the standoff between the two generals, Dredge and his dumbass partner were taken to another room. The room was filled with women, and there was a TV showing porn. Here, the good general invited Dredge and his partner to watch while he took turns having sex with the various women in the room. I thought the move was a bit odd, but Dredge was grateful for the general's generosity.<br />
<br />
After the good general finished servicing all of the women, Dredge and his partner were returned to their dungeon cell. Once he was back, the bad general returned and screamed some more unintelligible Spanish at Dredge. Once again, the Spanish was translated and, once again, it essentially amounted to a warning that the bad general would return to kill the American prisoners. But again, Dredge was granted a reprieve. Only this time Dredge wasn't saved by the good general, he was rescued by the FBI.<br />
<br />
Although Dredge's Dominican Republic ordeal was over, his American one had just begun. According to Dredge, he was sentenced to 15 years but released early because of some events that took place in prison. Since that time, he'd started the cab company because "work was hard to come by." The next step in Dredge's Odyssey is deciding on a cover and getting his book published. Should this ever happen, he's guaranteed to sell at least one copy.<br />
<br />
<b>Afterward</b>: Look, I know everything about Dredge's cop-turned-robber tale sounds like complete bullshit, and that's exactly what I thought initially. But right before Dredge dropped us off at the airport, he said, "I know you probably don't believe me, but you can look it up. There's a newspaper article, and it's all right there ... everything I just told you." The moment Dredge left and headed back to wherever it is that he goes on Wednesday mornings, I did a Google search with the words "Dredge (actual name)," "Cop," "Robbers" and "Dallas (actual city)." Just like the man said, there was three-page newspaper article dating back to the early 90s It confirmed everything that Dredge just told me. The only thing missing were the details on the good and bad generals down in the Dominican Republic dungeon.<br />
<br />
Is it possible that this struggling cab driver took some obscure robbery story from two decades ago and memorized the details so he good pass it off to customers as his own? Sure, I guess that's a possibility. But I really don't think Dredge did that. I honestly believe that Dredge was just a bored cab driver who, in another life, had done some crazy shit and was dying to share those stories with anybody who would listen. From the moment I sat down in his cab, Dredge realized he'd found that person.Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16622780.post-17602596074289912132014-08-07T17:47:00.003-07:002016-05-05T07:51:36.867-07:00Dredge the Driver: Part 1<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://d1oi7t5trwfj5d.cloudfront.net/d9/a1/1392bdce4078ac3ee5284dcccd35/taxi-driver-robert-de-niro.jpg" height="406" id="irc_mi" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; margin-top: 0px;" width="578" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo courtesy of <span class="irc_dsh"><a class="irc_hl irc_hol" data-ved="0CAQQjB0" href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&docid=lj0JTKIxP3MDMM&tbnid=MGMiuwZWCs0fQM:&ved=0CAQQjB0&url=http%3A%2F%2Fblogs.indiewire.com%2Ftheplaylist%2Frobert-de-niro-still-interested-in-taxi-driver-sequel-despite-the-fact-scorsese-schrader-have-moved-on-20131115&ei=AB7kU-O8LIz4yQSxuYDQAg&bvm=bv.72676100,d.aWw&psig=AFQjCNG2MMEYKHwQ8LN4HDQhI4LYERRoCQ&ust=1407545198976165"><span class="irc_ho" dir="ltr">blogs.indiewire.com</span></a></span><span class="irc_dsh irc_msc"><a class="irc_hl irc_msl" data-ved="0CAYQhxw" href="https://www.google.com/search?q=Taxi+Driver+Deniro&client=firefox-a&hs=C7Z&sa=X&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&channel=sb&biw=1280&bih=651&tbm=isch&tbs=simg:CAQSWQkwYyK7BlYKzRpFCxCwjKcIGjwKOggCEhSTIZwUlRSxIfgd1yaEFMUhwCDsJRogOQdZ5u4aHbE4WQewgqpKHLWG_1HyRBlRtQGxmebpURG0MIZY9CUyiMT9z"><span class="irc_idim"></span></a></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
“You consider yourself liberal or conservative?”<br />
That’s the question Dredge*, my cab driver, asked as we -- my co-worker and I -- drove toward the Dallas** airport on the morning I was scheduled to fly back home.<br />
“Liberal, I guess,” I answered.<br />
“You wanna hear a story?” Dredge asked and then immediately reconsidered. “No, no. I shouldn’t tell you that. If I tell you that story, you’re gonna think badly of me. No, no, no. I don’t want to do that; I want you to come back.”<br />
“You have to tell me the story now,” I said. And with that, Dredge launched into the most amazingly unbelievable story of the many amazingly unbelievable stories he’d told me during my three-day Dallas work trip.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Note</b></u>: <br />
<i><b>* As you've probably guessed by now, Dredge isn't the drivers real name. I changed it because, well, if you read this whole thing, you'll find out why I changed it.</b></i><br />
<i><b>** Dallas isn't the city where this actually took place, either. </b></i><br />
<i><b> </b></i><br />
Dredge became my regular means of transportation after he’d driven me to an open mic in the downtown area and back to my hotel – a good 15 miles away – for about a third of the cost I’d been quoted by other drivers. Dredge even watched my set at open mic, positioning himself in the back other room and smoking one of his many tiny cigars while I told a bunch of strangers my thoughts on middle-age, my recent marriage and <b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnqEJfi3clw" target="_blank">nurses touching old mens' tips</a></b>. <br />
<br />
It wasn’t until we headed back to the hotel that I really got to experience Dredge’s penchant for storytelling. I was only half paying attention when Dredge said something along the lines of, “<i>And she said, ‘No, I don’t want you to park the car and give us some privacy. You’re my driver, and I want you to drive around while I have sex with this man in the back of your car.</i>’” From there, I was all ears, and Dredge regaled with tales ranging from his first date at age 17 (his friend set him up and didn’t tell him the girl had no nose until the last moment, which forced Dredge to spend an awkward day at Bush Gardens) to his many trips to Thailand (<i>I used to go three times a year ...</i>). <br />
<br />
Dredge started the trip by talking about some of his regular customers: "<i>I have this medical professional comes down a few times every year, and I always get him cocaine because I know some people. This guy goes off in the woods ... in these cabins somewhere and teaches these ... these holistic wellness retreats. The whole thing he's coked out of his f$cking mind. You believe that shit?</i>" I'm wasn't sure if I did or not, but the stories were more entertaining than anything that had happened in Dallas up to that point, so I urged him to continue.<br />
<br />
"<i>I pick up these swingers one week; a married couple and one of their friends. The thing about these swingers is, they don't mind sharing, but they have rules, too. You can't do anything without any of them there,</i>" Dredge said as a lead-in to another story. "<i>So one night I get a call to pick up these swingers, only it's just the girls -- not the husband. The wife says, 'Dredge, we're going to f$ck some men tonight,and I want you to tell my husband we're out shopping.' Well, they stay out shopping until one ... two in the morning and the husband's calling me every ten minutes wondering where they are."</i><br />
<br />
"<i>You should write a book about all this,</i>" I tell Dredge.<br />
"<i>I did. I'm just trying to pick out the right cover for it.</i>" <br />
He's right. If the majority of people didn't judge a book by its cover, then publishers would be perfectly comfortable with nothing but the carefully thought-out title printed on the cover, beckoning prospective readers to trust their instincts. But we're visual creatures, even those of us who prefer the printed page to the television. I suggest a cover that shows Dredge standing proudly outside of the driver's side of his cab, arms crossed, while a pair of legs leading to high-heeled feet dangle out of the back-seat window. He says the cover needs to focus on panties somehow.<br />
<br />
After a few stories about his passengers, Dredge started opening up about himself.<br />
<i>"I used to go to Thailand five time a year. I love Asian woman, but you gotta be careful where you go out there."</i><br />
<i>"Yeah, people always wind up picking up prostitutes that they think are women only to find out they're actually guys when it's too late, right?"</i> I asked Dredge.<br />
<i>"That kinda shit only happens to at the tourist spots. I don't go to those places. No, where I go, you don't have to worry about all that. But the women where I go will only blow you. It's a cultural thing. They say American men are too big, and it stretches them out too much ... decreases the value of the product or something like that, you know?"</i> Dredge says.<br />
I didn't, but I urged Dredge to go on anyway.<br />
<br />
Talk of Dredge's Thai conquests continues for a while but, at some point, I got a text, and I'm wasn't listening as close as I should've been to Dredge. But then something he says made me forget all about my phone. <br />
<i>"So now me and my buddy are surrounded by these guys that look like Chinese bikers ..."</i> <br />
<i>"Chinese bikers?"</i> I asked. <br />
<i>"Yeah, like the Sons of Anarchy, guys covered in tattoos and shit, but they're Chinese, you know?"</i><br />
<i>"Yeah, I'm listening,"</i> and I was.<br />
<i>"Well, these Chinese have me and my buddy surrounded. He's this short fat, little son of a bitch."</i> Dredge himself is tall and lean, but he's got a bit of paunch, like most men his age who aren't marathon runners or cocaine aficionados. <br />
<i>"They were getting ready to attack us, and I thought we were goners."</i><br />
<br />
Dredge went on to tell me about this little old Chinese man in a nice suit who was brandishing a cane. According to Dredge, this old man appeared out of no where and Dredge off all of the Chinese bikers before they could get to Dredge and his fat, little son of a bitch fried. <br />
As Dredge put it: <i>"Right before these thugs make their move, this guy jumps in the middle and starts doing all this Kung-Fu shit ... like, umm, like what's his name?"</i><br />
<i>"Like Jackie Chan?"</i> I asked.<br />
<i>"Like Jackie Chan, exactly. He starts fighting these guys off just like it's a Jackie Chan movie. Then when he chased them all away, he comes up and starts screaming at us, 'You not supposed be here! You not supposed be here!' We spent the rest of our time buying this old guy drinks and thanking him for what he'd done ... and every single day we saw him, he was wearing the same suit."</i><br />
<br />
I never got a chance to find out why the Chinese bikers were after Dredge in the first place, because he got so involved in telling the story that he overshot my exit by around five miles. We were en route to Houston by the time Dredge realized his mistake.<br />
<i>"Oh shit, man. I can't believe I did that. I got so into that exit, I completely missed you're exit. You're getting a flat rate, so you don't have to worry about this costing you any extra," Dredge said. I wasn't worried because this was a work trip, and they were the ones that had to pay for Dredge's mistakes. </i><br />
<i>"Shit man, if I hadn't of told you that story, I would've never missed your exit. Now, you're probably never going to use me again."</i><br />
<br />
But it was specifically because of Dredge's story that I decided to use him to give me a ride back to the airport the next day. I figured the 45-minute cab ride would be the perfect opportunity for Dredge to showcase more of the stories that were slated to appear in his upcoming book -- the one that needs to have a picture of panties on the cover.<br />
<br />
TO BE CONTINUED ... <br />
<br />Jared B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/07392919698027449539noreply@blogger.com0