My first Valentine's Day as a married man was supposed to be spent telling tasteless jokes like these to a bunch of strangers at a sold out fundraiser event. Unfortunately, weather concerns led to the event being canceled. That left me with a choice. I could either:
- A.) scramble to pick up another spot at a comedy club to fill my insatiable need for approval and acceptance from people I probably wouldn't like if I got to know them, or
- B.) put together a romantic dinner to surprise the wife who was expecting to come home to an empty house after a 12-hour shift caring for burn victims.
For dinner, I prepared a lemon-seasoned chicken breast topped with a caramelized onions, Monterey Jack cheese and strips of greasy bacon; tomato basil couscous; and a huge Caesar salad. This sounds like a good husband adjusting extremely well to his newly married life, right? On the surface, I guess that's true. But in between preparing an artery-clogging masterpiece for my own true love, I was furiously firing off break-up texts to random phone numbers.
The White Knight
I hit a home run with the first random text I put out there. Not only did this righteous man respond to my ridiculous message, he -- or possibly she, but I think it's a he -- also felt compelled to engage in a conversation and criticize my actions.
'Good luck with whatever your going through'
Of course, not all of my random texts were successful. I probably sent more than a dozen messages without getting any type of a response from the random number. Many of these messages were the "I hate to do this is this way but ..." intro that got the white knight to bite. But I did try a few variations, such as:
- I just can't do this any more ... I can't pretend that everything is ok just because it's fuckin Valentine's Day.
- Happy Valentine's Day baby! Guess what I know all about Steven the Twink! So you can just cut the shit about working late. I'm gonna make your life miserable you lying piece of shit.
- Happy Valentine's Day ... It's not your baby! How does that feel you lying piece of shit!?
Me: I hate to do this in this way but I think we both know this is going nowhere. It's over ... I'll cancel the reservations. I hope you didn't get me anything, cause I didn't ...
Random Number (RN): What
Me: Please don't make this difficult ... Neither of us has been faithful
RN: I think you have the wrong number ...
Me: Oh Jesus Christ ... I'm so sorry I knew I should've just called her
Me: Hope you're having a better Valentine's Day than me.
RN: No problem ... Good luck with whatever you're going through
Me: Thanks man! I gotta stop dating hos and find a girl I can introduce to my mom
CONVERSATION ENDS
Me: I hate to do this in this way but I think we both know this is going nowhere. It's over ... I'll cancel the reservations. I hope you didn't get me anything, cause I didn't ...
Random Number (RN): Who is this?
RN: ??
Me: Please just be an adult ... Neither of us have been faithful
RN: Listen I think you have the wrong number
Me: Wait ... shit!
RN: Yeah .....
Me: So sorry ... I took some MDMA happy valentine's to me
RN: K
Me: Hope you had a better day than me bro ... My fucking arm is numb
CONVERSATION ENDS
Me: I hate to do this in this way but I think we both know this is going
nowhere. It's over ... I'll cancel the reservations. I hope you didn't
get me anything, cause I didn't ...
Random Number (RN): Who is this?
Random Number (RN): Who is this?
Me: What?
Me: You mean that philosophically ... Like who is this person?
CONVERSATION ENDS
