Dear God Hates Fags

This is an actual letter I sent to the fine folks of the Westboro Baptist Church -- a.k.a. the God Hates Fags people. For the record, I despise this group of ignorant, pathetic assholes. However, I really want to see just how far they're willing to go for this for this insane cause. It's worth noting that I wrote this letter at a Starbucks in Cockeysville, Maryland.

Dear God Hates Fags:

A situation involving my family has occurred recently, and I could use the help of your organization. My wife and I are the proud parents of two God-fearing heterosexual children: Warren, 7; and Wesley, 5. We also owned two hamsters, Zippers and Mr. Brutus. The other day I was feeding the boys – the hamsters, not my actual children – when Zippers started exhibiting some extremely odd behavior. It took me a few moments before I realized Zippers was attempting to sodomize Mr. Brutus. Not sharing Zippers’s mental affliction, Mr. Brutus valiantly fought his assailant off before I separated the two. Being a responsible Christian man, I quickly ended Zippers’s life. The next morning, I calmly told my children about Zippers’s behavior and explained that the heinous creature had passed away in its sleep, a sure sign of God’s hatred for homosexuals.

The unfortunate event only made Warren, my oldest, more steadfast in his faith – and strengthened his belief that God does, in fact, abhor homosexuality in any form and in any creature. However, my wife and Wesley, my youngest, are a different story altogether. Even after my explanation, Wesley threw a tantrum and begged us to have a proper funeral for Zippers. Pure of heart but weak of will, my wife agreed and promised Wesley that Zippers would have a dignified memorial service. Despite my protests, my wife plans to go ahead with Zippers’s funeral.

That’s why I need your help God Hates Fags. I’ve always admired the work you do at the funerals of prominent human homosexuals, and I’d like to enlist your services at the memorial of my disgraced hamster. I understand the request is a bit unusual. But I wholeheartedly believe that your presence at this event is what it takes to show my impressionable son (not to mention my confused wife) that Zippers was a sinner of the worst variety and that, in the end, he got what he deserved. Further, I’m fully confident that once my Wesley sees the power of your organization, you’ll gain a new servant who will work tirelessly to do the Lord’s bidding.

Obviously, your organization will be compensated handsomely for your presence (I can promise you at least double your going rate). Also, being a prominent man in my community, I can virtually guarantee the presence of our local press – both newspaper and television – at the event. Please respond ASAP, as my wife plans to hold the service this weekend.

A concerned Christian father who is just trying to do the right thing,

Francis “Frank” Pipkin