Purple Cocks: A Birthday Story


I took my mom out to dinner for her birthday, because that's what you do when you're too lazy to come up with a thoughtful, original gift for someone you love. You buy her (or him) a meal, food -- something that's necessary for human survival.

My mom chose The Regal Beagle and, yep, the place is just as gay as it sounds. The Beagle is a new Norristown eatery owned by my mom's hair dresser, Billie. Here's the thing about Billie: My mom (and an army of Billie's other middle- to upper-middle-aged women clients) worships this man. She would support anything Billie endorsed. If, instead of a restaurant, The Regal Beagle was Billie's underground dog-fighting ring, my mom would be there every week screaming for her dog to, "Rip that fuckers throat apart."

On the drive over to the Beagle, my mom says, "You know the last time I was at this place, they had sex trivia hosted by these two guys in drag."

I don't say anything because, really, what the fuck the can you say to that? My mom, however, mistook my silence as a sign for her to keep going.

"If they have the sex thing tonight, I'm not sure I can do that with you there. It might be a little weird, you know?" No response on my end so, of course, my mom pushes forward with this gem, "It would be even weirder when I know a bunch of the answers to the questions."

Despite the threat of trivia, we took our chances and secured an outdoor table at Billie's restaurant. After a little time passed without a single tranny sighting, I decided we were safe. But just when I settled into a quiet evening of listening to my mom trashing my dad, a giant man in a beautiful purple gown emerged from the indoor part of the restaurant and lit up a cigarette. In the crouch area of his form-fitting dress was a tremendous bulge -- and I couldn't stop staring. There's something about the juxtaposition of man's enormous package on a woman's dress that's completely hypnotizing. Who knows how long I would've stared at this guy's purple cock if he didn't notice me. And, just to let me know that he knew what I was looking at, he thrust his crotch slightly forward, took a long drag on his cigarette and said, "You guys know trivia starts in 10 minutes, right?"

When neither my mom nor I said anything, he finished his cigarette and went back in. We finally had the silence that I was craving on the car ride over. After a few moments, my mom broke the silence by asking, "So you just want to go to Applebee's, instead?"