Man up! Grab a Miller Lite You F$ckin Pussy

Miller Lite is best known for being a tasteless, semi-alcoholic beer that's usually on special (sold for a few bucks cheaper than real beers) at sports bars, stadiums, clubs and places where cover bands regularly perform. Not exactly the best reputation for a distinguished "triple hops brewed" beer. Maybe that's why the company decided to give its image a makeover recently. Miller Lite's new image: The only true light beer for men. The company put out a bunch of commercials that always show some poor guy getting his balls busted by his friends for making "unmanly" choices -- like screaming when he gets touched by a fish, riding around in a scooter and, of course, choosing a light beer that's not Miller Lite. Here's one of them.

Brilliant. Miller somehow found a way to make its shitty, watered-down beer seem appealing to a demographic other than young women who are concerned with their figures but still need to drink enough of something alcoholic to justify their poor decisions. I'm not sure how they did it, but I picture the genesis of the Man Up campaign going something like this:

(Setting: Five, sharply dressed marketing professionals are sitting around a over-sized conference table staring disconsolately at a single bottle of Miller Lite.)
Marketing man #1: How are we supposed to make this shit more appealing to men? I mean all Miller Lite has going for it is that it's cheap, it's not terrible and you can drink a ton of it. Alright, think: What is most powerful way to get a group of men to do something?
Marketing man #2: (Sarcastically) Tell them they're gay if they don't do it.
(The remaining marketing professionals break into a chorus of nervous laughter.)
Marketing man #1: Goddammit, you're right! We'll create a series of witty commercials with a simple message: If you don't drink Miller Lite, you're no man at all. If you don't drink Miller Lite, well, then you're a gay. I think I have a catch phrase already: Man up, grab a Miller Lite and quit being such a queer.

Miller knows it's not going to get all men with such a message. But I don't think it's targeting all men. I think Miller is mainly going after guys who work as IT specialists or financial analysts, guys who frequent happy hours, are in nine different fantasy football leagues and who use words like "Broseph."

Of course, Miller Lite isn't the only brewer that's come up with a solid way to entice men to switch over to light beer. Keystone Light knows there's an entire country of ignorant, white trash, no good, pieces of shit out there, and the company wants them all to enjoy the fruits of its labor while they're enjoying the view from their double-wide trailers. That's why Keystone created Keith Stone, a redneck superhero who's perfectly willing to believe she "really is 19" even though he met her at a high school football game. Keith Stone looks like a hybrid of Wayne Campbell, Mathew McConaughey's character in "Dazed and Confused" and Jack Black.