Valium Vickie

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Purple Cocks: A Birthday Story

I took my mom out to dinner for her birthday, because that's what you do when you're too lazy to come up with a thoughtful, original gift for someone you love. You buy her (or him) a meal, food -- something that's necessary for human survival.

My mom chose The Regal Beagle and, yep, the place is just as gay as it sounds. The Beagle is a new Norristown eatery owned by my mom's hair dresser, Billie. Here's the thing about Billie: My mom (and an army of Billie's other middle- to upper-middle-aged women clients) worships this man. She would support anything Billie endorsed. If, instead of a restaurant, The Regal Beagle was Billie's underground dog-fighting ring, my mom would be there every week screaming for her dog to, "Rip that fuckers throat apart."

On the drive over to the Beagle, my mom says, "You know the last time I was at this place, they had sex trivia hosted by these two guys in drag."

I don't say anything because, really, what the fuck the can you say to that? My mom, however, mistook my silence as a sign for her to keep going.

"If they have the sex thing tonight, I'm not sure I can do that with you there. It might be a little weird, you know?" No response on my end so, of course, my mom pushes forward with this gem, "It would be even weirder when I know a bunch of the answers to the questions."

Despite the threat of trivia, we took our chances and secured an outdoor table at Billie's restaurant. After a little time passed without a single tranny sighting, I decided we were safe. But just when I settled into a quiet evening of listening to my mom trashing my dad, a giant man in a beautiful purple gown emerged from the indoor part of the restaurant and lit up a cigarette. In the crouch area of his form-fitting dress was a tremendous bulge -- and I couldn't stop staring. There's something about the juxtaposition of man's enormous package on a woman's dress that's completely hypnotizing. Who knows how long I would've stared at this guy's purple cock if he didn't notice me. And, just to let me know that he knew what I was looking at, he thrust his crotch slightly forward, took a long drag on his cigarette and said, "You guys know trivia starts in 10 minutes, right?"

When neither my mom nor I said anything, he finished his cigarette and went back in. We finally had the silence that I was craving on the car ride over. After a few moments, my mom broke the silence by asking, "So you just want to go to Applebee's, instead?"

Thursday, September 09, 2010

An Offer the Upper Darby Free Public Library Can't Refuse

Dear head librarian of the Upper Darby/Sellers branch of the Delaware County library system:

Recently, I went to your website in the hopes of procuring a novel of leisure for myself. You can only imagine my chagrin when I tried to reserve such a novel and was told I could not do so until my late fees – in excess of $15 – were paid.

First off, Delaware County, I don’t want you to think ill of me for my delinquency. I never meant to fall behind on my account at your facility (my account with the Fascists over at Comcast is quite another story, however). You see, I have been so engrossed in my own writing over the past eight months that I have completely cut myself off from the outside world. Holed up in a tiny abode in the Clifton Heights region of our fine county, I just completed my fourth novel: “Red Sky, Blue Eagle: The Carnal Beauty of Loving the Dead.” Ostensibly, the 7,252-word coming-of-age tale is about necrophilia in its many brilliant shades. In reality, however, the tale’s message is much more sublime.

Simply put: We are all dead on the inside and could only be “brought back to life” by succumbing to our most carnal desires (i.e., face-to-face coitus of the marital variety, etc.). Of course, such a brief synopsis does no justice to this soon-to-be classic, which pits Reynoldo and his Mingia Men against the Plumber’s Local Union 211796. But I digress.

I’ll get right to the point: I have a mutually beneficial proposition for you. In lieu of paying my debt, I will come down to your facility (during a date and time that is convenient for me) and read a passage from “Red Sky, Blue Eagle: The Carnal Beauty of Loving the Dead.” As if this isn’t enough, I’ll even sign copies of my masterpiece for adoring fans following the reading. One condition: I will only sign autographs for 20 minutes, and you must provide your own security. The choice is yours, Delco. Although, for the life of me, I can’t think of one logical reason why you’d even consider turning down my magnanimous offer.


Jared Anthony ‘Tony’ Bilski,
Author, Poet, Empathetic Member of the Human Race

P.S. One word of warning: On the date of my reading, you’ll no doubt have to turn down attendees after the library has reached capacity. Even on the shortest possible notice, I can’t fathom a scenario where your Lilliputian facility can accommodate my vast army of reader