Valium Vickie

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Words with Friends: What 'Needs More Games' Really Means

Words With Friends, a game created by the folks at Zynga, is Scrabble for people who don't have the patience for Scrabble. The people who aren't content to sit around in a cozy living room with a group of friends or family members focusing on a singularly challenging and fulfilling game. No, the people who play Words With Friends need to do that shit in their own way and on their own time. And by that I mean on their phones, when they're driving.

While you're actually playing Words With Friends, the program is constantly trying to get you to add more games by introducing people you know, people who also enjoy a good game of ADD Scrabble. These prospective opponents are introduced with short phrases that describe their playing styles, such as "Plays at your pace!" and "Likes to Chat!"

So do the Zynga folks come up with these descriptions by doing an analysis of people's playing styles and then placing them into one of a select few predetermined categories? I'm afraid it's much more complicated than that. See, thanks to state-of-the-art spyware technology, the Words With Friends program does an extensive review of each of its players' complete web-browsing histories. Then, that data is run through another program, which is used to create a complex psychological profile of each and every Words player. Then, finally, those detailed profiles are sorted into the categories -- such as "Play for big points!" -- which have less to do with the person's playing style than they do with his or her behavioral tendancies.

So here's what the playing styles in Words With Friends really mean:

Needs More Games! (NMGs): These poor bastards are some of the most tortured souls on the planet, and they immerse themselves in a constant stream of online activity and mindless gaming to avoid looking further into their own desperation and self-loathing. While NMGs crave some degree of human contact, unlike LCs (Likes to Chat), they seldom act out sexually -- and in many cases even have sexual dysfunctions. If an NMG isn't playing at least seven games of Words at a time, he or she will often resort to cutting and self-mutilation or, due to personal cowardice, watching videos of others partaking in the act of self-mutilation.

Likes to Chat! (LCs): Hyper-sexual and emotionally damaged by nature, LCs are desperate for human contact of any sort and are usually simultaneously conversing with an array of acquaintances and complete strangers via communication mediums such as Words, Facebook, Twitter, Google Talk, Direct Message (i.e., text), Skpe and Lonely Slovaks in the Night. However, LCs are seldom satisfied by the constant interaction and often make rash decisions in an effort to achieve immediate gratification and fulfillment. For example: It's not uncommon for an LC to stop a game of Words a few moves in and ask his/her opponent to meet at the nearest Bennigan's, whereby the LC will commence to perform fellatio/cunnilingus on him/her in a public bathroom stall. While almost half (47%) of LCs are promiscuous women in their early-to-mid 20s, it's not uncommon for LCs to be: Middle-aged women and men in unhappy marriages; gay male truck drivers posing as straight, homophobic Tea-Party members; undertakers; Mary Kay sales reps; and professional male soccer players.
Note: If you're playing an LC at Words, then you can definitely have sex with that person.

Plays Good Defense! (PGDs): Highly manipulative and of superior intelligence, PGDs are by far the most dangerous individuals on the list. PGDs can best be described as sadists, though, some PGDs have sociopathic tendencies, as well. To PGDs, Words, much is like life itself, is a game that's object is simply to bait others into making a series moves that will eventually lead to their downfall. Whether they're playing consonants when they're near premium squares -- like Triple Word and Triple Letter -- or convincing a Craigslist patron it's best to meet in a secluded area, PGDs derive intense pleasure from letting their victims know they essentially set themselves up for their unfortunate ending. Investment bankers, record label executives, hedge fund managers, overly supportive parents and serial killers generally fall into the PGD category. The most famous PGD is Charles Manson; the most commercially successful is Bernie Madoff; and the most underrated is Ryan Stiltzen, an up-and-coming serial killer from the Northwest.

Plays at Your Pace! (PYPs): In mild cases, PYPs are simply shy and indecisive. However, most of these individuals are hopelessly insecure and have little to no self-worth. PYPs are easily controlled and suffer almost paralyzing anxiety when asked to make even the most insignificant decisions. While on one hand PYPs dread the thought of making a move that would be considered unpopular by either peers or complete strangers, they're also aroused sexually when they are the victim of pain (physical or emotional), belittling or humiliation.

Most PYPs are Class IV Sexual Masochists, who find it impossible to maintain normal healthy relationships or achieve orgasm without the infliction (upon them) of pain or humiliation. Virtually all PYPs have at least a peripheral involvement in the BDSM (Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism) community, but the bulk are only into light bondage of the ball-gag on a Thursday afternoon variety. However, a small percentage of PYPs are deeply involved in the resurfacing German scat movement. In rare cases, following a game of Words, extremely disturbed PYPs will message an opponent and politely ask, "if he/she would ever have any interest in taking a dump on her/his chest while she/he pleasures herself/himself."

Plays for Big Points! (PBPs): What PBPs crave most is the acceptance and attention they've been lacking from key parental and authority figures their entire lives. PBPs come from an array of neglected backgrounds. Whether they were a glossed-over middle child, the progeny of a workaholic father and over-medicated mother, or the product of a single mother who decided there was no way having a baby at 15 was going to ruin her social life, PBPs do everything big and make everything about them. Got a funny story? A PBP can easily top it. Narrowly escaped death in dramatic fashion? A PBP actually died on the table, got a glimpse of the afterlife and was somehow brought back to the land of the living. Extremely narcissistic by nature, PBPs Google themselves an average of 72.4 times per day. It's also worth noting that PBPs make more of their moves in Words With Friends on the toilet than any other group.

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