If you live within a ten-mile radius of Norristown, Pennsylvania, you're no doubt familiar with the brand new state-of-the-art hospital that sits on a plot of land that used to be Woody's Golf Center. With a grand opening that included Vegas-caliber outdoor lighting, a public open house, and a number of highly produced commercials, Einstein appears to be marketing its new hospital as a premier resort destination. So I decided to see if Einstein Medical Center Montgomery really is as accommodating as it claims.
Below is a letter I sent to the Einstein Montgomery's Public Relations Director, a PR director who shall remain nameless for ValiumVickie's purposes (I used the PR Director's name in the actual letter).
Dear Unnamed Public Relations Director,
I'm writing in reference to a recent Einstein Medical Center Montgomery commercial I happened to catch while I was watching "Wheel of Fortune" with Libby, my wife of 25 years. First off, bravo, my friend, bravo! The commercial was inspiring, and the hospital itself looks absolutely magnificent. I was so moved by what I saw that I turned Libby and said, "Get your shawl, dear, we're going to have a look at this place for ourselves."
If I may be so bold, Dear Unnamed Public Relations Director, I must admit: The commercial just doesn't do the hospital justice! That building is marvel of modern architecture. It's fresh, it's sleek, it's, dare I say, sexy even. Einstein Medical Center Montgomery would look more at home next to Revel Beach Casino in Atlantic City than a McDonald's in Norristown. Nevertheless, from the outside, the hospital feels more like a resort than an infirmary. And that brings me to my next point, Unnamed Public Relations Director.
It would be dishonest of me not to be frank with you Unnamed Public Relations Director. (If your first name was Frank, it would have been difficult to refrain from writing "frank with you, Frank" right there -- but I digress.) Something has been missing from my marriage for some time now, Unnamed Public Relations Director. And I'm afraid Libby and I have had to resort to some extremely drastic measures to ignite the fires of our passion that burned so effortlessly just a few short years ago.
Why am I telling you this, Unnamed Public Relations Director? Because I believe Einstein Medical Center Montgomery must be the next destination in my sensual adventures with my wife. I'd like to procure the finest suite in your hospital for a romantic weekend. To keep up appearances -- and to satisfy a personal fetish -- I will of course don the garb of an ordinary patient. My wife will play the role of the busy, annoyed nurse -- a nurse whom I will eventually wear down with charm. Obviously, we can the do the nurse-patient role-playing routine anywhere. But the thrill of role-paying in an actual hospital -- combined with the first-class amenities Einstein promises -- is just what this marriage needs, Unnamed Public Relations Director!
Now let us talk logistics. Although I have top-of-line healthcare coverage, I'm fairly certain even my plan wouldn't cover this little in-house visit, and that's fine by me. Thanks to a class-action settlement, a few wise investments and a family business that has flourished despite treacherous market fluctuations, I'm dangerously close to being what the populace likes to refer to, cynically, as "The One-Percent." Therefore, I'd be more than happy to pay for my "treatment" out of pocket. However, if there happens to be some red tape preventing this type of thing, I have a contingency plan. On Mondays and Thursdays, I practice Capoeira, a Brazilian martial art that combines elements of dance and music. Being an older gentleman, I must do extensive stretching exercises before class. Without my limbering up routine, Unnamed Public Relations Director, I'd be virtually guaranteed to pull a muscle, which should, I assume, legitimize my hospitalization.
Please let me know what you think of my proposal ASAP, as my marriage is deteriorating rapidly. As you consider your options, Unnamed Public Relations Director, I'd ask that you look at my request from a public relations standpoint, your forte, I believe. Think of the potential headlines: "How the comfort of Einstein Medial Center Montgomery saved this couple's marriage." A win-win, Unnamed Public Relations Director -- for me, yes, but more importantly, for Einstein Medical Center Montgomery!
Francis "Frank" Pipkin