Valium Vickie

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

I accompany my girlfriend to the grocery store to purchase ingredients for a family dinner the following evening. My head pounds from the effects of the twelve or so beers that I consumed the night before, and I sip on a large, iced coffee with a double shot of espresso and wait anxiously for the caffeine and the four painkillers (OTC, unfortunately) to kick in and raise my spirits. I shuffle through the first set of automatic doors and pause momentarily in the lobby to wait as my girlfriend loads a case of Lipton iced tea, on sale for the time-being, into our roomy cart. An elderly woman directly behind us who emits a musty odor sighs audibly and tells us to hurry up. In response, I ask the woman to relax and enjoy her Saturday. She asks, to no one in particular, "How rude can you be?" Before my girlfriend can reply, I decide to answer her rhetorical question with a response that surprises me because of its direct and uninhibited nature. Looking at the woman, I state, "You're a cunt." The woman assumes these three simple words are the pinnacle of my supposed "rudeness," so she mutters something in a dazed, defeated tone about getting a manager and retreats to aisle five, the sauce aisle. Rather than congratulate me on the compelling nature of my unanimous victory in the debate with the elderly woman, my girlfriend opts to rush toward the dairy aisle and asks/tells me to find another ride home. Confused, I head in the opposite direction and contemplate her failure to appreciate the complete awesomeness of my response to impatient woman's nagging.
I could have called the woman a vagina or a snatch or any other myriad of terms for a woman's genitalia, but I definitely chose the most effective term available. Something about the those four strategically placed letters and that hard K sound never fails to elicit a reaction of pure outrage in women both young and old. But that's a topic for another time. Drinking is said to lessen or even eliminate one's inhibitions; however, I think a good hangover is just as effective. Because of a nagging (not even severe) hangover and an impatient old woman, I completely forgot the 26 years of normal social behavior and etiquette that had been instilled in me. Maybe if everyone had to fulfill all social responsibilities in a hungover state, we would finally be completely honest with one another. On the other hand, maybe I'm just over thinking the whole thing. Regardless, out there somewhere is an old, crotchety bitch telling her bridge buddies about the decline of the youth in this country because of her experience at a Drexel Hill Superfresh and it is my supreme hope that she has to say some variation of the following: "Cunt. He actually called me a cunt!"

Friday, September 14, 2007

I may be the only person in this country that doesn't care how many dogs Michael Vick directly or indirectly tortured and killed or how much income was generated from his "Bad Newz" kennel. Don't get me wrong, I am an admitted dog lover. In fact, if I had to choose between the life of my grandmother or my Rottweiler, Maddie, the dog would be wagging her nub long after the last pile of dirt was tossed atop my Gram's final resting place. However, the backlash from America when the Vick story dropped was absolutely astounding. Americans were more outraged at what Vick did to those innocent Pit Bulls than they ever were about what Hitler did to those innocent Jews. And I think the reason may run far deeper than the simple fact that dogs are more apt to play fetch than Jews. In this country, our protective instinct for "man's best friend" can even outweigh the concern we have for our fellow man. For example, when a canine is "offed" on the silver screen it often elicits a far more emotional response from the audience than the death of any of the actors in the same movie (even the ones on the A-list).

As far as the animal kingdom goes, dogs have it better than any other creature. (I exclude cats here because they are closer to a moving plant than a family pet.) Remember, at one time, dogs actually used to be considered wild animals. Now, the family dog has it better than any other member of the family. These furry creatures are provided food, shelter, love and affection; however, unlike the children of a family, dogs are not required to attend school(usually), choose a career path that is satisfactory to the parents, take a spouse (of the opposite sex!) that shares similar religious and cultural ideologies to produce grandchildren to continue the family line and take care of the aging parents as their health and, sometimes, financial resources decline.

As far as animals go, I have a lot of sympathy for cows, pigs and chickens. These guys really got the short end of the stick. We slaughter these creatures in such a brutal and inhumane manner for the food that they produce when dog meat is just as delectable. You don't believe me? Order yourself a General Tsao's combo platter at any neighborhood Chinese restaurant (always tastes the exact same - delicious) and ask the cook what's in it or what the ASPCA does with the ones that get adopted? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to step off of this soapbox grab myself a bucket of chicken and a BLT and try to catch the afternoon dogfight.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

With a brand new episode of LOST set to air tonight and the season finale right around the corner, I thought it was about due time that I hit the LOST Message Boards again. The first time around around I garnered a few confused responses; however, this time I seemed to have really struck a chord. Below is my original post along with all the responses of the dedicated and highly entertaining "Losties." Enjoy!

Topic: Anti-American Sentiment on LOST

As much as I have enjoyed watching LOST, the anti-American sentiment as of late has been so shameful that I refuse to watch another episode.
The writers are so unabashed in their criticism of the entire Bush administration that I think it would be prudent to put Abrams and his crew on an FBI Watch List. I'm not saying they (the makers of LOST) have connections to evil-doers, I'm just saying they are downright indifferent to the fate of this country.
When Ben brought Locke up to the Mountain ... well if that isn't the staff saying, "we really don't care what happens to the United States of America," than I don't know what is. Also as a devote member of the Unitarian Fellowship of the Holy Trinity Church, I was outraged by the implications of this Jacob character. I don't think anyone can argue that the Locke/Ben/Jacob scene literally meant that everyone on the island (which is a metaphor for the world people!) is really a gerbil-loving homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that) and that the only reason people marry is for procreation! As if!
I am asking every patriotic American to do what is right and stop watching this inherently evil, anti-American fascist, primetime television program before it is too late!


From: (J-L Man of faith):
please go away

From: thehiddenwindows:
"What? It's a TV show, for goodness sake. It's supposed to be that way, the Others are shown as evil, and the Island has powers in it. It's fiction. It's supposed to be mysterious and make the island seem very imporntant. It dosen't seem anti-American to me at all, and I'm usually pretty good a picking that stuff up."

From: coolshades
do you have a Dr. if you do you need to go see him or her .there are lots of show that take things from real life law and order does it all the time were did you come up with that and just because you don't like Bush and what he is doing does not make you Anti-american Bush is just a man just like anyman and as American we have the right to say how we fell and if some people say it on t.v or in a movie I say go for it

From: Sawyer is God
I really don't understand any of this argument. Normally, I would ask you to explain it to me, but I'm not sure if it would be worth hearing.

From: lost_in_iowa
Fiction is fiction. Thank God for Freedom of Choice! If you think it's anti-American then maybe try living in another country. It's a beautiful place we are allowed to live in with such great benefits---like being able to watch TV! Not everything has to be so serious--politically or religiously.

Pray for yourself to open up your mind!

From: siblime1
Look at what they've done to you. Little tip: They're all "evil-doers" no matter who you "follow".

From: Archangel-Player
Brother/sister I don't know how you walk in life. But this isn't the place for this. Your being judgmental on a subjuct that you have no clue as the way the writers think. Your not them. So you do not know them. As you see evil in the show. The Writers have also shown light protanganist in the show. The Others are supose to be evil that is what they are. The Losties are here to put a stop to it. Remember this. God loved you when you didn't care to him. So that state of mind should you think of the people who enjoy LOST. How do you get homosexuality out of LOST? There hasn't been a "Homo" seen yet or any indication of one except a nasty rumer.

From: mrslost

From: suzisunshine
Did you learn the expression 'gerbil-loving homosexual' in Sunday School?

From: Turnip Queen
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That message just made me laugh! I have no idea what they're going on about!

From: Hunter8768

Hey buddy, a village somewhere is missing their idiot. Please return there and stop posting this crap!!!

From: roox
This is plain ridiculous!!!!

You need to get out more, buddy !!!!

From: ravred
anti american....I think the KKK are calling u back to your meeting at the HTC.

From: x pretty in pink x
hmmm....each to their own but are we watching the same show???

From: lockestar42
you sir are an idiot. im pretty sure that when ben said that he doesnt care what happens to the usa, im pretty sure he also doesnt care what happend to the rest of the world. every other tv show on tv is anti everyone but americans. im guessing you love toby kieth too. did you know he's all about buying american, and loving the usa...but did you know the guitar he plays is made in japan? you're a super patriot? what do you do? wear a white trash shirt with the american flag on it that says "these colors dont bleed?" wave american flags at parades? you also are probably driving around in your oversized pick up consuming more and more gas, and fatty foods, than 99% of the world. you "super patriots" disgust me. you're probably one of the idiots that actually voted for G.W. TWICE. i think americans need a little hatred towards themselves, i mean we're 300,000,000 strong, which isn't too big when you compare it to the rest of the world, yet we consume more crap, and resources than ANY OTHER PLACE ON EARTH! maybe thats why ben doesn't care what happens to the USA...f*ck it now i hate us, im moving to canada!

bottom line, everyone thinks you're a moron. lets just watch lost, and not talk politics!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

It's been documented that most guys have trouble with commitment. After meditating carefully on this stereotype, I've come to the conclusion that I, myself, am no exception. Throughout my life, anything that has stirred my interest has usually fallen by the wayside after a relatively short duration. That is everything except for alcohol. I've consistently kept a fairly consistent, committed drinking schedule for the past ten years or so.
Recently, I've reached a strange place in my drinking career. A place where it seems that all drinking must incorporate some kind of universal theme, silly costume or ridiculous facial hair. In the past year alone, I've attended two "Mustachio Bashios," a "Running of the Santas," a few "Ugly Christmas Sweater Soirees," and a St. Patrick's Day with enough outrageous costumes to rival the best Halloween party. I'm not in high school or college anymore, yet I'm dressing up like an asshole more than ever before. Why?
It seems to me that drinking and sex have a lot in common. Drinking and sex are both activities that you are introduced to early on in life, around grade school or high school, and both are things that initially generate unprecedented levels of joy and happiness. But like anything else in this shitty life, sex and alcohol (yes, even sex and alcohol) lose their initial appeal and become more of routine than a reward. After 20 years of boring, missionary-style, jack-rabbit pounding sex, some people (not this guy) can get a little bored. People need to reinvent or spice up their sex lives, so they start trying all kinds of freaky, freaky shit. I've seen it. People hit some kind of a wall and then they just snap. They start joining nudist colonies or swinger's clubs, start using high-powered gadgets that look powerful enough for construction workers or allow petite Asian girls to piss on them while Bob Ross paints a picturesque landscape in the background. These things do happen. And I believe the same thing happens to drinkers.
For some reason, people feel that getting drunk just isn't enough after awhile. They need be festive and wear funny costumes while they're getting fucked up. I do have to clarify, however, that this themed-drinking is pretty much a white thing. You'll never hear a black guy answer the question, "What are you up to this weekend?" with "me and a bunch of my friends thought it would be a fun time to grow the stupidest possible facial hair and then go out to a crowded public bar and show everybody what total assholes we look like."
That's where we come in. By we, I mean the white, 20-something, working professionals that work tirelessly to come up with creative ways to look even more like an ass after drinking past the point of properly functioning motor skills.
These colorful, themed drinking expeditions all start the same. There's an excitement in the air and an enthusiasm in the participants' every move. These marathon drinking sessions offer an endless realm of possibilities, but usually all have a pretty similar outcome.
About halfway through the event, people start acting like life is a giant sporting event. They start cheering for sober people as they go about their mundane routines. There's lots of yelling and clapping and cheering and encouragement for people and things ranging from the middle-aged Asian women carrying her groceries across the street to the Pit Bull that defecates on someone other than the owner’s lawn. "WHOOOAHHHHHH!" That's the sound you hear someone is officially drunk.
By the end of the night all the symptoms of excess alcohol consumption are present, but with an added element as well. Now, the guy crying on the phone to his ex-girlfriend outside the bar looks even more like a douche-bag because he's sporting the Megan's law mustache he spent two month's growing in preparation for the "Bashio" event. And the meatheads with the beer muscles are even harder to take seriously when they start fights wearing ugly sweaters adorned with cute little reindeer and candy canes.
So what's my advice? If you are partaking in one of these ridiculous drinking ventures, be sure to bring a change of clothes and a disposable razor with you. That way when you turn into a douche-bag and make all those poor choices, say all those horrible things and embarrass the hell out of yourself, at least you won't look like a douche-bag too.