INT. MALL OF AMERICA -- EASTER -- DAY
Jesus of Nazareth, permanently 33, is holding up an unopened bottle of Aquafina and speaking to a group of mesmerized children.
How many of you little children of God would like to see me turn this overpriced, environmentally harmful water into the magic grape juice most of your mommies drink to deal with unfulfilling marriages to your daddies?
Group of children
Well, I'm going to need to a volunteer ...
In the middle of Jesus' presentation, one of the children spots a clearly intoxicated individual in an Easter Bunny costume stumbling toward Victoria's Secret.
(Pointing and screaming)
LOOK! THE EASTER BUNNY!!!!!!!!!
Suddenly, all of the children begin running toward the inebriated bunny who hears the commotion, turns to see his fans coming and quickly takes cover behind a rack of on-sale thongs. Jesus is left awkwardly holding the Aquafina bottle.
(Drops the bottle and stares at the scars on the center of his palms)
Why do I even try?