Valium Vickie

Monday, February 09, 2015

Transcript of my chat with a unique flask company

 I'm a lucky guy. My wife doesn't expect me to spend money I don't have on fancy, shiny, unnecessary expensive gifts. In fact, her favorite Christmas present this year was a flask. Granted, the flask I gave her wasn't the standard silver thing guys give to their groomsman as a token of appreciation for being in the wedding. This flask specifically designed to avoid detection in any situation. How? On the surface, this alcohol receptacle looks exactly like an ordinary tube of sunscreen. Thanks to this clever device, my wife can avoid paying outrageous prices for captain and gingers at upscale bars, sporting events and rest assured knowing she'll never have to endure another tedious jury duty session completely sober.

When I thought this Christmas gift wasn't going to arrive in time for our gift exchange, I took to the company's useful chat feature. Below is a word-for-word transcript of the conversation:

Get live personalized customer service

[Venessa] Welcome to ATG Stores. How can I help you?
[Jared Bilski] Last Page Visited:

Hey how are you?

[Jared Bilski] I placed an order yesterday
[Venessa] Can I have the order number please?
[Jared Bilski] Are you there, Ven?
[Jared Bilski] #XXXXXXXX
[Venessa] Yes , I am here
[Venessa] I will look up your order
[Jared Bilski] I kind of have an emergency
[Venessa] I have the order up now and how can I help you ?
[Jared Bilski] Well, here's the thing. When I ordered I accidentally hit 2-day shipping
[Jared Bilski] By the way, is that your pic in the right corner or is that a stock photo?
(Note: Regarding the above question, I was referring to a stock photo of a customer service representative that appeared with the Chat function.)

[Jared Bilski] So here's why it's an issue
[Jared Bilski] U there?
[Venessa] I see , I can see if I can change the shipping and refund the expedited charge. No that is not my photo , I am much better looking :-)
[Jared Bilski] Hahaha ... Good to know
[Venessa] Would you like me to change the shipping method if possible ?
[Jared Bilski] No I actually meant to hit next day shipping, but I have a question
[Venessa] Ok , what is the question?
[Jared Bilski] When do you think I'll receive the flask
[Venessa] One moment
[Venessa] You should receive the item by Friday
[Jared Bilski] Oh, that's what I was worried about ...
[Jared Bilski] Can I be real with you for a moment
[Jared Bilski] ?
[Jared Bilski] Please don't judge me, OK, Val?
[Venessa] I can see if we can upgrade to next day shipping for you
[Venessa] Would you like me to do that and follow up with you ?
[Jared Bilski] Wait ... just wait on that for one sec. How much will that run me?
[Jared Bilski] Can I just explain the situation?
[Venessa] It looks like the charge for next day shipping is $20.34 altogether and you have already paid $11.62
[Venessa] Yes Sir , what is the situation?
[Jared Bilski] OK, OK... here's what's going on, just bear with me:
[Jared Bilski] I ordered the flask because I'm going to a concert on Christmas .... it's a completely dry concert -- No booze, not even wine or shots
[Jared Bilski] See, I'm an atheist; organized religion makes me ill. But I met this girl ...
[Jared Bilski] And she asked me to go with her. She very Christian.
[Jared Bilski] She's I mean. I also know Christian women tend to be anything but if you humor them, and go to their little events. But the thought of sitting through a 3-hour Christian Rock show without booze, is disheartening to say the least ...
[Jared Bilski] Are you still with me, V?
[Jared Bilski] ?
[Venessa] I cannot advise either way . I can only advise that the order as it stands now should be delivered on Friday as Fed Ex does not operate on Christmas. I can see if there is anyway to expedite the delivery to have the item received by tomorrow . I would need to do this before the item ships this morning .
[Jared Bilski] Oh this is a tough call, V. Money's tight, you know? And I do have a few leftover Vicodins from a recent Triathlon injury. That should get me through the concert, but what if I can't perform that night because of the pills?
[Jared Bilski] If you were in my situation, V, what would you do?
[Jared Bilski] ?
[Jared Bilski] Are you looking something up or serving multiple customers?
[Venessa] I am sorry Jared I cannot advise you either way .
[Venessa] The Christmas concert sounds like a wonderful event
[Jared Bilski] But sober?
[Venessa] Yes sir .
[Jared Bilski] Maybe, you're right ....
[Venessa] It may be odd with sunscreen flasks at a winter Christmas concert
[Jared Bilski] V, I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone before OK ...
[Venessa] The flasks are very neat though
[Venessa] Will the delivery date as it is now work for you ?
[Jared Bilski] I NEED this Christmas concert to work for me. It's been a full year since I've been with a women.
[Jared Bilski] Last year, around Christmas I walked in on my Ex
[Jared Bilski] She was in full coitus with Giuseppe "Gyp Bada-Bing" Rosetti, a semi-famous New Jersey EDM DJ
[Jared Bilski] You've heard of "Gyp Bada-Bing" Rosetti, I'm guessing, right V?
[Venessa] I am sorry Jared, I do need to confirm how you would like me to take care of the order.
[Venessa] Please let me know what you would like me to do .
[Jared Bilski] Yes, I'm working my way toward that. PLEASE be patient
[Jared Bilski] You're the only person I've ever told that story too
[Jared Bilski] My parents till think my Ex left because she got a job on the West Coast
[Jared Bilski] You've heard of "Gyp Bada-Bing" Rosetti, haven't you, V?
[Venessa] Our chats are monitored sir and I cannot help you with the other questions.
[Jared Bilski] I understand that, V. But monitoring should affect you letting me know if you've ever heard of "Gyp Bada-Bing" Rosetti
[Venessa] I have not ,
[Jared Bilski] It's just like me asking you, "What do you think of this weather?"
[Jared Bilski] Are you just saying that, V?
[Jared Bilski] Nevermind, I'll believe you ... even if you're only saying that to make me feel better.
[Jared Bilski] Anyway, I think I've made my decision
[Venessa] Great , what would you like me to do with the order shipping arrangement please?
[Jared Bilski] You convinced my that I'd be better off to go to the Christmas Concert without the flask ... that the Vicodain should be enough
[Venessa] I will leave the order as it is and you will be emailed with the tracking and carrier information once the item has shipped.
[Jared Bilski] I REALLY just needed to talk this out with someone. And you're right, V, Vicodan shouldn't affect my performance if I'm truly into this woman -- and, of course, provided I don't overdue it
[Jared Bilski] overdo (Freudian slip)
[Jared Bilski] I can't thank you enough ... These people are lucky to have you?
[Jared Bilski] What are you doing for the Holidays, V?
[Jared Bilski] Can you do one last thing for me?
[Venessa] You are welcome, thank you for chatting in and for the very interesting chat . I will be enjoying Christmas with my family . Can I help you with anything else today ?
[Jared Bilski] Can you just say: "The Christmas Concert Will Be Better Than You Ever Imagined"
[Venessa] We wish you well and a Merry Christmas. Hope you have a great Holiday
[Venessa] I must disconnect our chat now if that is all I can assist you with today for your order.
[Jared Bilski] WAIT
[Jared Bilski] Can you just say this: %u017Byczymy weso%u0142ych %u015Awi%u0105t Bo%u017Cego Narodzenia i dobrze. Mamy nadziej%u0119, %u017Ce jeste%u015B wielkim %u015Bwi%u0119tem
[Jared Bilski] It's what you just said in Polish
[Jared Bilski] Oops, sorry that's a message for the rep in the other chat that I'm having
[Venessa] Have a great day Jared! Thank you for shopping with ATG Stores.
[Jared Bilski] You too, V! You've given me the confidence to get laid with just Vicodan and not booze!
[Jared Bilski] I'll never forget that
[Jared Bilski] So how do we end this thing? This is starting to get a little awkward, V?

The Agent has left the conversation.