Valium Vickie

Monday, April 23, 2012

Obscure Online Reviews

It's been a little while since I gave our Vickie the old reach around (i.e., written any blog posts). And that's mainly because I've been plenty busy with another very promising writing gig. I've been knocking out online reviews of an assortment of companies at a feverish pace. (Note: I understand that people work really hard to keep their businesses afloat, so my nonsensical reviews are exclusively positive.)

This new obsession started a month ago when I was down the shore for the first weekend of March Madness. Every year, anywhere from 15 to 37 guys pile into a single house to watch basketball, drink countless beers and pretend we're still able to whatever we want, whenever we want to. At one point, everybody was hungry, so I started looking for places that are: a.) open during a time of year when between 15 to 37 guys are in town, and b.) offer a delivery option. That left us with this place. But before I got a chance to call in our order, my friend Dan started reading off a series of reviews that made us seriously reconsider. The reviews all gave the place one star and said things like:

Chris ‎ - Feb 26, 2011, (one out of five stars), 
Rip off alert!!!! False advertising of prices on banner outside resturant. We expected a pizza slice and soda as advertised for $.99 each. The bill, Over $4 per person. The staff claimed the banner said "price before 3pm" but it did not. When we went back in to tell them banner was incorrect, staff ignored us and walked into back of store.  
Disliked: Service, Value 

As we weighed options our options, I came up with what I considered a brilliant idea: "Hey guys, how great would it be if we just started writing these elaborate online reviews about businesses that have absolutely nothing to do with the products being sold?" As soon as I said it, Dan started typing away furiously on a laptop. When he was finished, the pizza place we'd been debating over had its first new online review since 2011. Dan gave the place five stars, and his review read:

Me and Gramps got a great tour of the shark tank, and even had the opportunity to feed the crazy rascals!!! The sea lions were little Anton's favorite but Suzanne thought they smelled like Dorchester! Times are crazy and this place sure 'aint. Next time we'll be sure to spend more time with the sea horses. 

In the end, we did end up ordering a bunch of pizza from this place (several times during the night), and the pizza was delicious. But before we placed our order, I had the following conversation with the pizzeria:

Woman from Pizza Place (WPP): Thanks for calling, XXXXX Pizza. Pick up or delivery?
Me: Actually, I'm a reporter from the Dorchester Times. I'm writing a piece on the dangers of false online reviews to local businesses, and I was wondering if you've read the online reviews of your place recently?
WPP: No, I can't say that I have. We do a pretty good business here, and all of our regular customers seem completely satisfied.
Me: In many cases, negative reviews are created by jealous neighbors, angry family members, jilted ex-lovers and, sometimes, even by the competition.
WPP: What are you saying ... that there's a bunch of negative reviews of our place online?
Me: Well, yes, it seems there are a few. Like I said, based on my research for this story, I've found that the majority of extremely negative reviews are completely made up.
WPP: So what type of things do they say?
Me: Well, this one says, "They are constantly messing up orders," and this one says, "False advertising of prices on banner outside resturant." And restaurant is spelled wrong, so obviously this person didn't take the time to proofread his or her review. But wait ... here's a glowing review for your place. They actually gave you five stars.
WPP: What does it say?
Me: It says, "Me and Gramps got a great tour of the shark tank, and even had the opportunity to feed the crazy rascals!!!" And there's three exclamation points, so this person was really enthusiastic about that part.
WPP: What the hell?
Me: Wait, there's more. Its goes on to say, "The sea lions were little Anton's favorite but Suzanne thought they smelled like Dorchester! Times are crazy and this place sure 'aint. Next time we'll be sure to spend more time with the sea horses."
WPP: I don't understand. That doesn't make any sense at all. What the hell is that person talking about?
Me: Honestly, I'm not sure. But that's not important. The important part is this person is a big fan of your restaurant. No one gives out five stars on a whim.