An Offer the Upper Darby Free Public Library Can't Refuse
Dear head librarian of the Upper Darby/Sellers branch of the Delaware County library system:
Recently, I went to your website in the hopes of procuring a novel of leisure for myself. You can only imagine my chagrin when I tried to reserve such a novel and was told I could not do so until my late fees – in excess of $15 – were paid.
First off, Delaware County, I don’t want you to think ill of me for my delinquency. I never meant to fall behind on my account at your facility (my account with the Fascists over at Comcast is quite another story, however). You see, I have been so engrossed in my own writing over the past eight months that I have completely cut myself off from the outside world. Holed up in a tiny abode in the Clifton Heights region of our fine county, I just completed my fourth novel: “Red Sky, Blue Eagle: The Carnal Beauty of Loving the Dead.” Ostensibly, the 7,252-word coming-of-age tale is about necrophilia in its many brilliant shades. In reality, however, the tale’s message is much more sublime.
Simply put: We are all dead on the inside and could only be “brought back to life” by succumbing to our most carnal desires (i.e., face-to-face coitus of the marital variety, etc.). Of course, such a brief synopsis does no justice to this soon-to-be classic, which pits Reynoldo and his Mingia Men against the Plumber’s Local Union 211796. But I digress.
I’ll get right to the point: I have a mutually beneficial proposition for you. In lieu of paying my debt, I will come down to your facility (during a date and time that is convenient for me) and read a passage from “Red Sky, Blue Eagle: The Carnal Beauty of Loving the Dead.” As if this isn’t enough, I’ll even sign copies of my masterpiece for adoring fans following the reading. One condition: I will only sign autographs for 20 minutes, and you must provide your own security. The choice is yours, Delco. Although, for the life of me, I can’t think of one logical reason why you’d even consider turning down my magnanimous offer.
Jared Anthony ‘Tony’ Bilski,
Author, Poet, Empathetic Member of the Human Race
P.S. One word of warning: On the date of my reading, you’ll no doubt have to turn down attendees after the library has reached capacity. Even on the shortest possible notice, I can’t fathom a scenario where your Lilliputian facility can accommodate my vast army of readers.