Valium Vickie

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Obligatory Proposal Story: Part 2

If you read Part 1 of this series, you already know how I actually proposed to my current wife, Liz. If you haven't read that part, go here and take a minute to do so. As I mentioned in the previous engagement-story post, my tale was lacking a number of the critical elements included in all the epic proposal stories that wind up on sites like or

What the real story lacked was a sense of adventure and danger.

Luckily, like many things that happen to me, just because the story took place a certain way, it doesn't necessarily that's the version people are going to hear. What's the fun in that? After all, I'm a part-time entertainer or a full-time pathological liar, both of which are essentially the same.

So when the kind woman who was so instrumental in designing my wife's engagement ring emailed me about the proposal, I took a few liberties with the truth. What follows is the story I sent her via email. I've X'ed out her name and email as well as the name of the company, out of respect for her and her employer. I doubt she'd want to be associated with Valium Vickie, anyway.

How he should've asked 

From: jared bilski [] 
Sent: Tuesday, August 27, 2013 10:25 AM
Subject: Re: jared bilski shipping 123456789


So I'll be sending a few pics over shortly, but first the story. 

Quick intro: To say my fiance and I are unusual would be an understatement (I tried to sound completely professional -- i.e., normal -- during our correspondence, did it work?). So our engagement story is a little out there -- and it reflects the quirkiness of our relationship. 

Let me know if it's "appropriate" before I go ahead and post it on GENERIC JEWELRY COMPANY'S Facebook page. Enjoy!

Once I got my GENERIC JEWELRY COMPANY'S setting, I went right to the family jeweler. Vito the Bear (a pet name my Aunt gave this iconic jeweler) put a rock that has been in our family for generations into your custom-made wedding band. Then it was up to me to seal the deal.

XXXXXX, I've always had a flare for the dramatic. In fact, I met my finance while I was traveling the country as the host of a Gothic burlesque show. I learned more than a few tricks during my time in the world of Burlesque, and I knew my proposal had to include at least some elements of suspense.
So I rang my old friend "Bird" and asked for a favor. I went to school with "Bird" (aka Warren Lichenstein III), and I was selfishly hoping he hadn't grown up. Luckily for me, Bird hadn't. When I knew Warren in college, he was a low-stakes pot dealer. Since then, he's graduated to Adderall, which he sells on a much larger scale. I told Bird that I needed his help and that I needed it to look legit, and he was more than happy to oblige. Here’s what went down:

Liz and I had made plans to see Scorpion Red Eye that night, a local speed-metal outfit with a touch of misogynistic-existentialism. But I had something else in store for her. As soon as we stepped out of our front door, a van came roaring up our driveway. It screeched to a stop right in front of my Camry, blocking any chance of escape.

Out stepped a man donning a black ski-mask and brandishing a handgun. He pointed the gun in our direction and ordered us to get down on our knees. The man, who my girlfriend assumed to be a legitimate criminal but I knew to be a dear old friend, bound our hands and placed a blindfold over our eyes.

I know what you’re thinking: Didn’t your neighbors notice? Luckily for me, it was dark out. You see, XXXXXXX, most of my neighbors are elderly individuals who are quietly biding their time until my man Charon comes by to take them on that one-way trip across the River Styx if you know what I’m saying. I’m sure these people were inside watching the Wheel (Wheel of Fortune) or taking their fifth nap of the day. But I digress.

In the car, I could hear my girlfriend whimpering softy beside me, and I almost broke down and told her what was really happening. But I’d already come this far, hadn’t I? Anyway, Bird was instructed to bring me to the roof of a friend’s luxury apartment building where I had painstakingly laid out all the essentials for private romantic dinner. No big deal.

For the most part, things went right according to plan … except for one minor hiccup. During our planning, I’d given Bird permission to improvise if necessary. When we’d climbed the 23 flights of stairs in the fire escape and arrived at our destination, Bird thought it was necessary to go “off script.” So when I said, “Whatever you do, please don’t hurt her,” Bird promptly pistol-whipped me across the mouth, which resulted in the loss of one tooth and the loosening of two others.

I was bleeding heavily after the blow, but nothing was going to stop me from proposing to the woman who once told me she could be happy to spend the rest of her life traveling from town to town watching me infuse Gothic burlesque shows with my manic energy. So I snapped my fingers three times, which was Bird’s cue to untie us. Then I got down on one knee, spit out the aforementioned tooth and, with a stream of blood cascading from the spout of my mouth like a crimson waterfall, I asked Liz to marry me.

Liz’s first words were a type of incomprehensible babble because she was both sobbing and trembling heavily, which was most likely due to happiness and a bit of shock; her next words were, Of course; but the third thing she said was, My God, this ring is perfect. And that’s all you (and GENERIC JEWELRY COMPANY'S), XXXXXX. I won’t bore you with the rest of the details, but we did finish dinner in time to catch the end of Scorpion Red Eye’s set, and the band even dedicated their cult hit “Reverse Birth” to their “newly engaged friends.” XXXXX (and the entire GENERIC JEWELRY COMPANY team) words can’t even express how grateful I am to you for the role you played in our engagement process.

One Satisfied and Newly Engaged Customer!
Jared Bilski

P.S. Pictures to come shortly!!

Sent: Tuesday, August 27, 2013 
jared bilski []

Hey Jared,

Yes, yes I did receive your email…apologies, it’s been a bit crazy around here! [Emailer's Note: I sent the email multiple times to ensure a response.]

I think you take the cake for the craziest proposal story I’ve heard!  I shared it with some of my fellow designers and they agreed…though most of them couldn’t believe how well Liz responded!  I think it would be fine to post the shortened, tamer version of the story on our facebook page.  I think this highlights the creativity and unique nature of our client base, but I don’t know if the WHOLE story will work for the internet masses, if you know what I mean ;)  I personally think the full story is awesome, but I’m a bit more of an oddball than most!

That being said, I trust your word smith skills can craft a snappy post suitable for a wider audience   I hope that is helpful; let me know if you need anything else! 

Best Regards,