Valium Vickie

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Top 5 Valiums of 2012

We're far enough into 2013 that many people have already given up on their half-assed resolutions to get into the best shape of their lives, change the world and "walk right out that door if he [or she] hits me just one more time." Even though last year is little more than the ghost of an old fart that you convince yourself is still lingering in your car at this point, I've decided to take one last look back.

To give you an idea of how full of shit I am at sticking to resolutions, here's one I made last year regarding this very blog: "Finally, I'm going to try to post at least once per week; no more of this once-a-month bullshit." Not only did I fail miserably at this attempt, I also posted fewer blogs in 2012 than than the previous year.

Despite my failings in the follow-through department, despite the fact that this blog hasn't been stumbled upon by some powerful literary agent with a great sense of humor who decides on the spot to give me a book deal, and despite the fact no post I ever write will get anywhere near the amount of hits this video of an Asian baby dancing to "Gangnam Style" got, I still love writing this thing. Thanks to everybody who read, commented and shared anything I wrote in 2012 -- and please continue to do so this year!

Here are the Top 5 Valiums of 2012:

5. Atlantic City Used To Be Even More Disturbing? A painting of the historical Atlantic City boardwalk that included the phrases "LIVING INFANTS" and "25 cents" got my imagination working overtime. Eventually -- through some online research -- I found out who Dr. Martin A. Couney was -- and what those baby incubators from "Boardwalk Empire" were all about.

4. Transcript Of My Talk With A Comcast Rep: In the first installation of the Comcast chat series, I ask a very able customer-service representative for help with my billing questions, as well as my failing marriage. It was during this chat that I learned customer-service interactions can actually be enjoyable -- if you steer the conversation in the direction you want them to go.

3. Listen, My False Patriotism Has Nothing To Do With You Ladies: This is probably my personal favorite post, because it's something that actually happened to my friends and me. Here's a 14-word summary if you have unruly children and barely have enough time to check the mail, let alone read a 905-word blog post: Ski trip, rough women, U.S.A. chant, Puerto-Rican pride, "God Bless America," shitty friend.

2. Transcript Of My Talk With A Comcast Rep: Volume 2: After testing the waters to see just how much you could say to a Comcast rep earlier in 2012, I decided to go deeper with representative Bronald Fouie, a man who told me: "I do belive that horrible experiences like this make us a better person.For the Showtime concern ..." You, the readers, rewarded me for my gamble by making this the second-most-viewed post.

1. The 4 Most Surprising Nickelback Fans: I had a lot of fun writing one but, to be honest, I really didn't expect it to top this list. I think it had to be the pictures. A bunch of people probably typed "Nancy Pelosi Blow Job Gesture" into Google and came across my post in the results, which I'm sure was buried beneath all of the more-relevant articles on the subject.

It's worth noting that neither this year's top post nor last year's (Dear God Hates Fags) came close to surpassing the most-viewed Valium of all time: My Life According To Stone Temple Pilots' Albums. If that isn't a testament to the GREATEST rock 'n' roll band of the past 25 years*, I don't know what is.

*This statement is in no way limited to the very subjective views of a Polish blogger who has an unhealthy obsession with 90's rock music in general and the Stone Temple Pilots in particular.

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