Valium Vickie

Tuesday, January 07, 2014

Top 5 Valiums of 2013

With another year in the books, some of us are planning out how we'll spend 2014 -- a year my Great Aunt Jeanie has already begun referring to as "The Year The Mexicans Took Over Main Street." Rather than looking forward, however, most of us are looking back, taking one last look at what just happened. Because that's what we do. We really like to look back at the stuff we just did or the stuff we just went through. A quick Google search of "A look back at 2013" yields more than four billion results.

We (i.e., this guy) here at the Valium are no different than the rest of the people. The 2013 edition is the third installment of the Top-5 list.  If your wondering why it's such a short list, the answer is very simple: There weren't too many posts to pick from -- a Top-10 list seems a little silly when there were only 12 choices in all. So that's why it's five. Before I jump right into the list, I'd like to thank everybody who took the time to read, comment and share anything from this blog. There are so many places on the interweb where you can go to waste your time, I'm genuinely flattered that anyone would choose to waste their time on my little blog.

I'm always looking to expand the reach of this Valium Vickie, a blog that got its name from an over-medicated former co-worker of mine. So, if you read something you like, pass it along to anybody you think may just feel the same way. And the same goes for stuff you hate. Feel free to reach out and let me know you think I'm an idiot.

Words with Friends, Foes and Complete Strangers

5. I've Never Been 'Molested, Molested.' As a mother, when your adult son asks you how you felt about a trip he took to Roy Rogers with a Catholic priest as a young child, you have to be careful exactly how you frame your response. Otherwise, he could easily take your completely innocuous response and turn it a blog post that causes a minor uproar in a small village in the Philippines.

4. The 3 Most Annoying Signs At The Philadelphia Rock And Roll Half Marathon. When I signed up for this thing, I had around six months to prepare, which seemed like plenty of time. Then, six months went by quicker than I expected, and I only ran the thing because, otherwise, it would mean I spent $90 on a T-shirt. The only thing dumber than paying a bunch of money to run long distances packed in with men in really, really short shorts (although sometimes you're lucky enough to run behind a fantastic ass in a pair of yoga pants) is standing around for hours holding a homemade sign, hoping to catch a glimpse of some friend, family member or person you're having casual sex with. This post was all about the worst signs I saw during my13-mile jaunt. On top of appearing on this humble little blog, the fine folks over at Philly Sports Live were kind enough to post it on their much more established site, which you can see here.

3. Dear Signature Room. Last summer, I took my future wife to dinner at the prestigious Signature Room, a restaurant located on the 96th floor of the John Hancock Center in Chicago. During our meal, a middle-aged German couple made a series of overtly sexual gestures toward us and did everything but ask us directly to partake in an orgy with them ... or at least that's what I told the restaurant in the detailed survey in filled out (I did give the Signature Room excellent marks in every real category). This post is a transcript of the conversation I had with the Signature Room's Director of Operations as a result of my allegations.

2. What Do You Do When That Dog You Love Too Much Dies Too Soon. My dog, Luna, died last summer, and instead of writing a ridiculous email to the company that handles the credit card we used to pay for Luna's care in her final months and asking them to waive a late fee because we needed every last cent to pay for the pet psychic we were going to use to contact our "ghost dog," I wrote about the pain I felt. (OK, I actually did write that email, too, and they did waive the fee, and I will be posting it at some point in the future.) Instead of writing something I thought was funny and was pretty sure at least a few others would the same way, I wrote this because I thought it would make me feel better. And it did. At first, I had no intention of putting the I'm-really-really-sad-over-my-dead-dog-and-here's-why post on this blog; it doesn't fit. It's like the Catholic Standard & Times including an editorial on the perks of being an atheist. I am glad I posted this one, though. On top of being the second most viewed post, I also received a bunch of very sweet, heartfelt messages from people, which meant a lot to me.

1. Words with Friends: What 'Needs More Games' Really Means. I'm kind of surprised this one took the top spot. I really thought "Dear Signature Room" was going to run away with it, but this one got almost twice as many views as any other post this year. If you haven't read it, give it a shot. It's basically a breakdown of the psychological disorder/disorders each type of Words with Friends' player suffers from. For example, Words' players who fall into the "Plays At Your Pace" category are often sexually aroused by humiliation. How do I know? This post explains it all in a very frank and often unnecessarily graphic detail.

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