Valium Vickie

Friday, October 23, 2015

The History of Kim Davis' Meteoric Rise to Fame


When Kim Davis, the homely, corpulent county clerk from Kentucky, was jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, she became an overnight media sensation and spokesperson for hate-filled lunatics everywhere.

While it may appear as if Davis came out of nowhere, that's simply not the case. The trajectory of Kimberly Davis' life was shaped by a series of seemingly coincidental events that eventually led to that magical moment when, with the sounds of Survivor's visceral 'Eye of the Tiger" blaring in the background, a grown man in overalls and a straw hat led Davis to a strategically placed podium where none other than the great Mike Huckabee and attorney Matt Staver raised her arms triumphantly toward the great intolerant God she was serving. From a distance, it may have looked like a new county pie-eating champion was being crowned. But this was no ordinary event. No, this was the appointment of the new face of religious rights. Here's how she got there.

Source: The Web Awards

"The Angriest Baby in Kentucky." On September 17, 1965, Kim Jean Bailey Davis came into to this world screaming bloody murder, and she basically didn't stop until she was four and a half years old. Davis' wailing became so well-known throughout her hometown of Moorehead that her neighbors nicknamed her "The Angriest Baby in Kentucky," and, to keep their sanity, Davis' parents convinced themselves the sound of the incessant screaming was actually the sound of a happy, adjusted baby.


The Pug Abuse Phase. From ages nine through 11, Davis went through phase where she'd sneak around late at night, steal Pugs from local residents and carve "Kim was here" into their haunches with a pocket-knife her grand-daddy gave her to protect herself from the "coloreds."


'Kimsandra The Gothic Handjob Princess.' In an effort to escape the feelings of insecurity and worthlessness that dominated her high school years, Davis created the alter ego Kimsandra. Every Monday after school Davis would change into all black clothing (and often a cape), apply heavy layers of black eyeliner and white powder to her doughy face and jowls, and lead various male classmates to St. Stan's cemetery. There amongst the gravestones Davis would masturbate her guests to completion while whispering a mixture of original poetry and Jefferson Starship lyrics in their ears. Afterward, she'd force the boys to take her to Red's Diner where she'd order two hamburgers with mayo and honey.


The Marriage Phase: 1994-2008. Inspired by the relationship of Tim and Jill from "Home Improvement," Davis spent the better part of the early 90s searching for a suitable husband and was married three times over a 14-year period. Kim Davis was first married in 1994. The marriage unraveled when Davis' husband, an amateur pug photographer, learned of Kim's childhood animal abuse; her second soured after her husband caught her giving handjobs to community college students in a local cemetery; and her third marriage slowly dissolved following a drunken argument about Davis' husband's refusal to defecate on her chest. Following a chance encounter at a local cemetery, Davis and her second husband reunited and eventually remarried in 2009.


"Religious Awakening" and Conversion. Following her mother-in-law's deathbed promise to bequeath her autographed Paula Dean deep-fryer onto her daughter-in-law if she went to church, Davis agreed and controverted to the Apostolic Pentecostal faith. Davis has remained steadfast in both her faith and her use of the deep fryer, which she claims led to a "religious awakening" regarding chicken. To this day, she attends church three times per week and uses the deep fryer for every home-cooked meal.


Kim's Power Play. In 2015, Davis became county clerk of Rowan County, Ky., a position previously held by mother. When Davis took office, she was expecting instant power and prestige but was quickly disappointed by the excessive paperwork and mundane nature of the job. One afternoon, Davis was contemplating a career change (Maybe I can do tours of historic local cemeteries ...) when Deacon Clayton, the local UPS man, came in and brought up the Supreme Court's gay marriage decision. "Theys sayin you gotta let the queers get married now, huh. Well, let me ask you sumpin, 'What happens if somebody flat out refuses to give 'em a license?' I'll tell what happens, that person'll be a hero to most Mericans, that's what." And with those eight words -- that person'll be a hero to most Mericans -- Davis saw a golden opportunity. First, I'll go viral, then I'll get the book deal, and then they'll make a movie about me, Davis thought to herself before deciding to deny marriage licenses to each and every gay couple who walked through her doors until the world took notice.

And it looks like it's all playing out according to plan ...

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