An Offer the Upper Darby Free Public Library Can't Refuse


Dear head librarian of the Upper Darby/Sellers branch of the Delaware County library system:

Recently, I went to your website in the hopes of procuring a novel of leisure for myself. You can only imagine my chagrin when I tried to reserve such a novel and was told I could not do so until my late fees – in excess of $15 – were paid.

First off, Delaware County, I don’t want you to think ill of me for my delinquency. I never meant to fall behind on my account at your facility (my account with the Fascists over at Comcast is quite another story, however). You see, I have been so engrossed in my own writing over the past eight months that I have completely cut myself off from the outside world. Holed up in a tiny abode in the Clifton Heights region of our fine county, I just completed my fourth novel: “Red Sky, Blue Eagle: The Carnal Beauty of Loving the Dead.” Ostensibly, the 7,252-word coming-of-age tale is about necrophilia in its many brilliant shades. In reality, however, the tale’s message is much more sublime.

Simply put: We are all dead on the inside and could only be “brought back to life” by succumbing to our most carnal desires (i.e., face-to-face coitus of the marital variety, etc.). Of course, such a brief synopsis does no justice to this soon-to-be classic, which pits Reynoldo and his Mingia Men against the Plumber’s Local Union 211796. But I digress.

I’ll get right to the point: I have a mutually beneficial proposition for you. In lieu of paying my debt, I will come down to your facility (during a date and time that is convenient for me) and read a passage from “Red Sky, Blue Eagle: The Carnal Beauty of Loving the Dead.” As if this isn’t enough, I’ll even sign copies of my masterpiece for adoring fans following the reading. One condition: I will only sign autographs for 20 minutes, and you must provide your own security. The choice is yours, Delco. Although, for the life of me, I can’t think of one logical reason why you’d even consider turning down my magnanimous offer.

Sincerely,

Jared Anthony ‘Tony’ Bilski,
Author, Poet, Empathetic Member of the Human Race

P.S. One word of warning: On the date of my reading, you’ll no doubt have to turn down attendees after the library has reached capacity. Even on the shortest possible notice, I can’t fathom a scenario where your Lilliputian facility can accommodate my vast army of readers.

You're donating what to the homeless!?

If you've been reading this blog, you know I have a penchant for sending ridiculous letters, requests and event proposals to a variety of organizations, such as the Pennsylvania Turnpike, the Upper Darby Library and the Westboro Baptist Church.

Well, recently, when I was going through my records (i.e., wasting time at work looking through a folder on my desktop titled "Random Shit"), when I came across something I meant to post on Craigslist -- but never actually got around to doing. Probably a good thing, but just for yourself:

HH Foundation -- Donations, Volunteers Needed

What do clothing, food, shelter and hangers all have in common? If you said all of these are things the majority of homeless people are lacking, well, my friend, you’ve hit the nail on the head. And with all the resources in this beautiful country of ours, don’t you think that is absurd? Don’t you think all people should have enough food to eat? Don’t you think everyone should have a warm roof over their heads? Well, so do I, but that’s not what this request is about. 

There are plenty of charitable organizations out there dedicated to the providing food, clothing and shelter to the homeless, but we’re not one of them. Nope. That’s just not our bag. Sure, those organizations serve a key purpose in society, but some are also very short-sighted. Think about it. While it’s nice to give away your old wardrobe to a homeless man or woman who really needs it, what are they going to do with that Old Navy sweater or Lane Bryant blouse when they’re not wearing it? Shove it in a shopping cart? A trash bag?  Then, the next time they go to put it on, it’s so bunched up and wrinkled, they end up looking, well … homeless. That’s where the Hangers for the Homeless (HH) Foundation comes in. Our motto: “Just because you’re homeless, it doesn’t mean you should have to look like a slob.” 

That’s why we’re asking everyone fortunate enough to own a surplus of coat hangers (we also accept lint brushes and dewrinkle spray) to donate their extras to the HH Foundation – the first charitable organization in the U.S. dedicated solely to providing the less fortunate with devices to keep their wardrobes wrinkle-free. What if you don’t have a single hanger to spare? No worries, come out for the HH Foundation’s first “Homeless Hang,” an event where like-minded philanthropists go around Philadelphia passing out hangers, on Fri., Feb. 27, from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.

Please respond to this post with the subject line “HH Foundation” if you are interested in donating or participating in the “Hang.” SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.