Valium Vickie

Thursday, April 05, 2007

It's been documented that most guys have trouble with commitment. After meditating carefully on this stereotype, I've come to the conclusion that I, myself, am no exception. Throughout my life, anything that has stirred my interest has usually fallen by the wayside after a relatively short duration. That is everything except for alcohol. I've consistently kept a fairly consistent, committed drinking schedule for the past ten years or so.
Recently, I've reached a strange place in my drinking career. A place where it seems that all drinking must incorporate some kind of universal theme, silly costume or ridiculous facial hair. In the past year alone, I've attended two "Mustachio Bashios," a "Running of the Santas," a few "Ugly Christmas Sweater Soirees," and a St. Patrick's Day with enough outrageous costumes to rival the best Halloween party. I'm not in high school or college anymore, yet I'm dressing up like an asshole more than ever before. Why?
It seems to me that drinking and sex have a lot in common. Drinking and sex are both activities that you are introduced to early on in life, around grade school or high school, and both are things that initially generate unprecedented levels of joy and happiness. But like anything else in this shitty life, sex and alcohol (yes, even sex and alcohol) lose their initial appeal and become more of routine than a reward. After 20 years of boring, missionary-style, jack-rabbit pounding sex, some people (not this guy) can get a little bored. People need to reinvent or spice up their sex lives, so they start trying all kinds of freaky, freaky shit. I've seen it. People hit some kind of a wall and then they just snap. They start joining nudist colonies or swinger's clubs, start using high-powered gadgets that look powerful enough for construction workers or allow petite Asian girls to piss on them while Bob Ross paints a picturesque landscape in the background. These things do happen. And I believe the same thing happens to drinkers.
For some reason, people feel that getting drunk just isn't enough after awhile. They need be festive and wear funny costumes while they're getting fucked up. I do have to clarify, however, that this themed-drinking is pretty much a white thing. You'll never hear a black guy answer the question, "What are you up to this weekend?" with "me and a bunch of my friends thought it would be a fun time to grow the stupidest possible facial hair and then go out to a crowded public bar and show everybody what total assholes we look like."
That's where we come in. By we, I mean the white, 20-something, working professionals that work tirelessly to come up with creative ways to look even more like an ass after drinking past the point of properly functioning motor skills.
These colorful, themed drinking expeditions all start the same. There's an excitement in the air and an enthusiasm in the participants' every move. These marathon drinking sessions offer an endless realm of possibilities, but usually all have a pretty similar outcome.
About halfway through the event, people start acting like life is a giant sporting event. They start cheering for sober people as they go about their mundane routines. There's lots of yelling and clapping and cheering and encouragement for people and things ranging from the middle-aged Asian women carrying her groceries across the street to the Pit Bull that defecates on someone other than the owner’s lawn. "WHOOOAHHHHHH!" That's the sound you hear someone is officially drunk.
By the end of the night all the symptoms of excess alcohol consumption are present, but with an added element as well. Now, the guy crying on the phone to his ex-girlfriend outside the bar looks even more like a douche-bag because he's sporting the Megan's law mustache he spent two month's growing in preparation for the "Bashio" event. And the meatheads with the beer muscles are even harder to take seriously when they start fights wearing ugly sweaters adorned with cute little reindeer and candy canes.
So what's my advice? If you are partaking in one of these ridiculous drinking ventures, be sure to bring a change of clothes and a disposable razor with you. That way when you turn into a douche-bag and make all those poor choices, say all those horrible things and embarrass the hell out of yourself, at least you won't look like a douche-bag too.

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