Valium Vickie

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

3 Things to Try at Christmas Mass this Year

If you're like most Catholics, Christmas is the one time of year that you drag yourself to church for the archaic ritual of Catholic Mass. Let's face it: If you're not heavily medicated or secretly masturbating this can be a long and torturous process to endure. To liven things up, here are a few things you can try this year. (Note: I wrote this year's ago but, for the most part, these things are still just as ridiculous today.)

The Stunt: Needs Something
What you need: salt, pepper or any seasoning and/or condiment of your own preference. A complete disregard for everything that devout Catholics hold sacred.
How it works: (Tip: do not take Communion orally even if this is your custom.) After receiving Communion, calmly step to the side (but still in plain sight of the majority of the congregation) and begin to season the Eucharist with salt, pepper, ketchup or whatever you choose. Offer to pass your seasoning or condiments to the next patron in line, then get the fuck out without ever turning back. Warning: If hell exists, this will probably ensure that you'll up there.

The Stunt: That Guy
What you need: sunglasses, a newspaper, an iPod or discman or walkman (if you're over 48), and a natural talent for pissing people off.
How it works: Arrive fashionably late (after the opening procession is complete). Sit down somewhere in the first pew for maximum visibility. (Note: This is extremely important. No matter how crowded the first pew is, find a way to squeeze in. The success of this stunt really depends upon it.) After your bothersome entrance, proceed to put your headphones on and pull a carefully folded newspaper out of your inside coat pocket. Hum or even sing along to whatever tunes you're listening to, loudly crinkle the completely open paper, and mumble inappropriate comments about different headlines in the news: "Looks like they repealed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' When are they gonna do something like that for the priests?" Do not stop just because people start to cough and moan; proceed until you are asked to leave the premises.

The Stunt: "You Shouldn't Have"
What you need: A white rob similar to in appearance to those of the time period 6 BC - 39 BC with a matching maroon or red sash, sandals (preferably without a visible Hollister logo), two and a half months without a haircut, and a beard you can hide entire meals within.
How it works: (Note: Again, entrance is key. Try to arrive fashionably late, possibly right behind the entrance procession.) Walk into the church in awe at what you're seeing. Comment out loud to yourself as you loudly take your seat, saying things like, "Would you at this," or "Well, I'll be damned." As you take your seat, tap the person directly next to you on the shoulder and say, "All this for me and my dad? Wow! You guys shouldn't have. I mean, I know I died for your sins and all, but this is really too much. How many of these places are there anyway?" Maybe as an afterthought add, "Look at my abs in that picture up there. So fucking tight, right?"
Warning: The warning from stunt #1 to the tenth power applies for this one.

No comments: