Valium Vickie

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Meditations from an unknown comic on a long drive home after a successful show

I fucking killed! I fucking destroyed. Never gonna have to send 15 emails just to get booked again. That asshole is going to be begging me to come back there now. God, I needed that. Those last couple shows have been so shitty. Just gotta keep doing more shows. More shows will turn into bigger shows and some more money and then who knows? Who knows, what? What are you even talking about? I don't know, I just know I needed that. If I don't stop, I can be home in two hours and still make it to the bar for a few drinks. God I wish I had some coke. Oh well. Probably better, I have a bunch of shit to do tomorrow anyway. It's always something. Just once, there was a weekend where I didn't have anything to do. I had those fuckers in the palm of my hand. I could've gotten them to laugh at anything ... except that guy in the front. What was his problem anyway? Didn't crack a smile all night long. You're at a comedy show asshole ... you're supposed to laugh. Nice, I love this song. They never play this anymore. They never play anything good anymore. Can barely even stand to listen to the radio anyone. All that new shit is awful. God, I sound like an asshole. I sound ... I sound old. That's what you say when you're getting old. You say all the new shit sucks. But that's not true. In high school I was really young, and I listened to Zeppelin and The Beatles. But I guess I listened to alternative stuff, too. And that was new. What the fuck is alternative, anyway? And what was that guy's problem? Not one laugh the entire night. Maybe, I should've went right at him. Then he would've seen how ridiculous he was acting. Even that lady he brought was cracking up. He looked so annoyed the whole show. Maybe he was having an affair with that lady and didn't want to draw any attention to himself. That's it. Probably wanted to sit somewhere in the back and of course that lady just had to sit right up front and cackle like a psycho. Probably wanted him to get busted, too. Fuckin typical. Of course he wasn't laughing. I wouldn't be laughing either if I was trying to avoid getting caught cheating on my wife. What a bitch. But what if it was me? What if it didn't really go as well as I thought? I messed up a bunch of stuff in the middle, and most of these people would've were so drunk they would've laughed at anything. God, they even laughed at that douche with his hacky Lorena Bobbit jokes. Jesus Christ, what if I'm delusional? What if I really, really suck?

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