(Note: Below is the actual text of a letter I sent to the famous American actor Richard Stephen Dreyfuss.)
Dear Mr. Dreyfuss:
I'm a big fan of your work -- particularly your performance in What About Bob? and your guest-starring role on the show Weeds -- but that's not what this shit is about. When I was around 16 years old, I was involved in a very strange incident. At this point, Mr. Dreyfuss, you may be asking yourself, "Why should I care about something that happened to some lunatic who just so happens to enjoy the diversity of my acting range?" Because you were involved in this incident as well, Mr. Dreyfus ... albeit indirectly. With this letter, I hope to bring closure to something that's been weighing heavily on my conscience for years. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible and only include most vital information because I'm sure you're a very busy man.
Here's the setting: Dorney Park and Wildwater Kingdom, a glorious amusement park located in the otherwise unremarkable Allentown, PA.
Here's the back-story: A few friends and I are waiting in line for the Enterprise. That's the ride where a series of cars hang from a large horizontal wheel -- picture a Ferris Wheel that's parallel with the ground. When the ride begins, the wheel spins like a bastard in a clockwise direction. As if that isn't enough, during the ride, this giant hydraulic arm that's attached to the wheel's spoke starts extending the wheel vertically to create this Ferris-Wheel-on-crack experience and, for the rest of the ride, you're not only spinning like a bastard, but you're also upside down. Or maybe it was the swings we were waiting for. But that's not important.
While in line, I spot a man off in the waiting area who's a dead ringer for none other than Richard Stephen Dreyfuss. So, of course, the first thing I do is blurt out, "Holy shit, it's Richard Dreyfuss!" Then my friends see him, and it's all over. For the next ten minutes, we're spouting off line after line of memorable Richard Dreyfuss quotes: "You think he's gone? He's not gone. That's the whole point! He's never gone!" and "