Spam Libs

Every couple of days I like check my spam folder. On a daily basis, some of the most entertaining combinations of letters and words get placed in email purgatory, where they sit until their eventual deletion. Much like a professional athlete's Twitter, my spam folder is a place where spelling, grammar and any notion of logic or sense is completely irrelevant. The result is a treasure trove of messages on how I can enlarge my penis, recover my unclaimed fortunes, make shrewd investments, get discounted Cialis and Viagra and, of course, MAS4T.U "R ;B%A/T=E|.

I've always thought it was such a shame to let these ridiculous uses of the English language go to waste. So I decided to do something with them. I decided to my spam folder to fill-in a Mad Libs. But I didn't want to half-ass it. I didn't want to come up with my own lame attempt at a Mad-Libs-type story; I wanted to actually use the "World's Greatest Word Game." Last weekend, I actually went to a Barnes and Noble in State College, PA, with the sole purpose of purchasing a Mad Libs book. There's actually an entire Mad Libs area in the children's section of Barnes and Noble and, if you were wondering, when you're by yourself and you laugh loudly while perusing the selection in the children's section of a book store, people will stare. It's best if you just ignore them.

Anyway, here's my very own Spam Libs:

Advice to Prospective Parents

Congratulations to all of you (Adjective) Large Ejaculate Volume mothers and (Adjective) Best-Penis fathers. You are about to give birth to a (Noun) V^I}R-G}I=N. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy (Noun) Ga n%g *b#a&n/g^. The arrival of your (Noun) S h e#m$a}l;e& will cause many (Adjective) revolutionary non-stick changes in your life. You'll probably have to get up at four a.m. to give the little (Noun) Vincent Cheng Hoi Chuen its bottle of (Adjective) Tits milk or change his or her (Noun) Batch No: 014/2010. Later, when he or she is (Number) 12 solid years old and able to walk, you'll heard the patter of little (Noun) T.E}E-N"S$E:X* around the house. And in no time, your child will be talking (Adverb) URGENT(ly)* and call you his or her "(Noun) Hard Long One," and saying things like, "(Explanation) Denise Wants Sex!" right to your face. It's no wonder they are called little bundles of (Noun) Bladder Cancer.

* I kind of cheated by adding the ly myself -- had a little bit of trouble find adverbs in my spam folder.