Valium Vickie

Saturday, December 29, 2012

'You just don't understand women'

"You just don't understand women." If you're a man, that's a phrase you've probably heard at least a few times in reference to your knowledge of the opposite sex. 

It's generally understood that men -- the whole lot of us -- will never be able to figure out the fairer sex. And when our lack of understanding in this area is acknowledged, it's quite a powerful sentiment.

In fact, I saw this comedian recently, and the best reaction he got in his entire set wasn't even during a punchline. All he said was: “Fellas, if I can give a little piece of advice, it’s this: Don’t even try to understand women because you never will.” That's all it took, and the women in the crowd just went ape shit. They were clapping and banging on their chairs and yelling things like, “I'm so fucking wet!” OK, fine. You're right. They weren't clapping.

Despite what this guy said, I think the real misunderstanding was between the women in the audience and the pandering, Hawaiian-shirt-wearing comedian. I think some women … some women may take the statement -- you just don't understand women -- the wrong way. I think maybe these women are so used to hearing men say it’s impossible to understand them that they really believe they’re as complicated as Quantum Physics. 

But that’s not what this comic (or most men for that matter) meant. He didn’t mean, “Don’t try to understand women because their hearts are as deep as the ocean, and you’ll never be able to fathom the complexity of their souls.” He meant, “Don’t try to understand women because they’re fucking crazy.” He was just smart enough – and hacky enough – to put it another way. You can’t just go around calling half the population out on their insanity – especially not when you’re trying to sleep with them, and live with them, and get them to have your children.

Saying “someone is impossible to understand” doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is reasonable or logical or even complex. If you know someone who stands on a corner all day trying to sell glasses of his own urine to people to help save them from the zombie apocalypse, you don’t say, “Let me tell you something Philadelphia, don’t even try to understand Homeless Carl, because you never will.”

But if you don’t get why your girlfriend spends 12 hours cleaning the house because there’s a 7-percent chance Brianna and Shea may “swing by real quick on their way to dinner” to drop off a dish, and she needs the place to be immaculate so when Brianna comments on how nice everything looks, she can sigh and say, "Oh God! This place is a such a mess right now" well, my friend, then you just don’t understand women my friend.

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